I really hope I get some feedback on this. In '83 I had fiance, a very nice, lovely, gifted art student from England working on her master's degree at a university back East. We got along fantastically together and planned to get married. There was only one problem, I was gay and still having sex with men. She didn't know, still doesn't, and perhaps fortunately, or unfortunately, we separated. She later wrote to me and told me she was pregnant and was going back to England to have our son. I lost contact with her. Then, about 10 years later, she sent a letter to my parents old address, it was forwarded to my brother, he sent it to me. Anyway, she said my son wanted to meet me. I went to England, met my son. Stella had married a fine man and we all got along together. Have been back one time since then. Time has passed, my 30 year old son is married, has a 7 year old son, and is doing well in England. I stay in contact with my son via email, haven't spoken or emailed Stella for several years. Should I tell her and my son I'm gay, or should I just leave well enough alone? They are both very liberal, members of the Green Party, and I would guess, very tolerant and open minded. What I am mostly worried about is hurting her. And I guess that is my question; will it hurt her if I tell her I am gay? Do you think she will be angry with me? I worry about that, too. Since I have joined Empty Closets I have been asking myself a lot of questions. This is a question I asked myself this morning. Looking forward to your comments.
If they are both members of the Green Party you are on safe ground. I have yet to meet a Green who is not tolerant, indeed, their one MP represents Brighton, one of the biggest LGBT constituencies in England. It may come as a bit of a surprise, but after all these years she has moved on and married and I doubt it would hurt her or your son to know the truth. I'd go for it.
My son lived in Brighton for many years. I am sure you can understand that I am scared, because once I cross the line, there is no going back.
Do you have any plans to visit your son again in the near future Coffee Guy? If so, it might be better to tell him in person. As far as his mother is concerned, how much would you wish to tell her? It is a scary thought, I know, and your anxieties are not completely without foundation, but from what you have already told us I am fairly confident that your news would be received in a kind and generous way. If you are prepared to explain your personal reasons for the silence I do believe they will be accepting. What would it mean to you to tell them?
I don't think I'll go to England again, have a little dog to take of and I hate flying. If I tell them, it will be by email. The only people I am out to are the people here on EC. There is a certain finality to it if I tell them. I really didn't accept that I was gay until my 50's, and even now I have my doubts. Being here on EC has inspired me and I want to go to a Gay Pride event in either San Francisco or Sacramento this summer. I think the more I come out, the more sure I'll be. On a personal note, if I could go to England and stay there, I'd fly out tomorrow and live in a shack just to be near my son.
It might be satisfying to her to know WHY you broke up with her and that it had nothing to do with anything about her. Even better, it might help your son to understand why you left his mom to give her the opportunity to marry a straight man more suited for her. If *I* were the son, I would want to know such things, even though I would have long ago accepted that you were not there, and his step-father was his true dad in terms of caring for him and his needs. The real question is whether to "Let sleeping dogs lie" (about their sexual orientation), or tell the authentic truth, while you are still alive and can make the choice.
For some reason I've got it in my head that I will finally be sure about my sexuality and coming out if I go to a Gay Pride event this summer. Since joining EC I have been going over in my mind all the things I have done and do that make me gay. The reality of going to a bath house and enjoying it was a major event in understanding my sexual identity. Still, there is a quiet little voice in my mind asking if I am sure. I really want to tell her and my son. I feel there is some little final push I need.
At the risk of being crude, I will quote the world renowned expert about these things, a YouTube chap named "Davey Wavey", who said "Dick in ass; it doesn't get much gayer than that." :eusa_danc You probably are sure already, deep inside the closet, that you are not really straight, but like people from our generation, it just goes against everything we experienced when we were growing up to admit it to ourselves, and interpret our feelings as meaning we are "one of those kind of guys" who like to do "those kind of things". Try Goggling the term "g0y"; the middle letter is a zero, not the letter O; maybe that label will feel more comfortable to you than "gAy".
Davey Wavey speaks for me. I agree with what you say about our generation. I want to be accepted and identified with the gay community. To me, sneaking into a gay bar and picking up a guy is different than openly going to a Gay Pride event. And I really do want to come out to her and my son. I greatly appreciate your comments.
Just one more opinion here, but I really think that it could be very healing for both of them to know that you're gay. For her, perhaps she felt some degree of rejection or abandonment. Knowing that you are gay would explain a lot. And perhaps make her very grateful that she dodged a bullet. In so many cases, the couple marries, only to suffer the effects of one of the partners to the marriage being in the closet for years, and eventually perhaps coming out and wreaking havoc to the emotions. For him, perhaps he has felt some feelings of rejection of well, that his natural father didn't marry his mother. He wanted to meet you and get to know you, so there was something there to be resolved. Knowing that you are gay would explain a lot there as well. And since they're both greens (me too, Yay!!!), it doesn't seem that you have to worry about some moral revulsion that other people might have to face. :goodluck:
I think you should tell them. This post here is the perfect answer: My dad never raised or contacted me or my sisters after leaving my mum, but if I got the explanation that it would've never worked out because he was secretly gay then that'd actually be a sort of relief I guess. And plus, in your situation, they've both moved on. I could only see them being happy for you for being open and honest with them after all this time. I actually wouldn't even think about it for too long, or you might talk yourself out of it. I'd suggest sitting down, writing out the e-mail, and then seeing how you feel after that. But yeah my advice is go for it!
I think you're right, Wildside. I am sure you understand the fear. It is something I really want to do. Do you understand why I want to go to a Gay Pride event just to be sure? Hi, Clay, you are right, too.
Oh yes dear, I absolutely understand the fear. I also understand the exhilaration with each step we take out of the closet. I think, first of all, that a Gay Pride event would be an absolute whole lot of fun, freedom, and acceptance. Being with people who get us, who share our experience, just makes it all seem so much more real. And being able to have healthy, open gay experiences that don't just evaporate with an orgasm is really important.
