I don't even know where to begin with this at all. I haven't started typing and I am already finding this difficult to say. But I'm very sick and tired of what has been plaguing me for all of my adolescence. A recurring dilemma has been playing within my mind for that long. For most of my life, I have never established a sexual identity of my own. To this day, I don't know who I am. All I can say for sure is that I'm likely not a heterosexual. Females never could sexually "turn me on." I remember forcing myself to spark that, but the spark never came. Which is why I say that I'm not heterosexual. But at the same time I see them romantically. Or, at least, I think I do. I have been sexually attracted, in almost all cases, to guys. I have also been sexually attracted to girls, but the attraction was never as strong. I was never sexually attracted to girls as frequently either. I am somehow less shy around girls than around guys, and have naturally found it easier to befriend girls. Perhaps this might say something about my "true" sexual orientation. I absolutely hate displaying shyness around guys, because it means I find them attract. Because of that, I get paranoid that they might find the "hint" that I am not heterosexual. So I automatically keep the lid on the bottle and dismiss my feelings as a waste of time. I'm not exactly keen on facing with the predictable homophobic attitudes the United States frankly has. Like I mentioned, this has all been hard to type. So bear with me. There was one incidence where I was sexually attracted to a girl. As sad as it sounds, it was a sexual online fling that lasted for three months. I remember feeling envious when she told me she was dating someone else. But who knows if she was being honest? Anyway, the fling ended. Yet, it never became serious. This happened almost four years ago in 2011 back when I was still in high school. This fling lasted for about three months. Even then, I didn't "see her" physically - I could only see what she is saying. So I guess this doesn't really count. I've also had crushes on a few girls, but never truly felt sexually attracted to them. They were more "romantic"-inclined if anything, and solely based on beauty and not on sexual attraction. I never imagined myself living with a guy as a romantic partner. But I'm not sure if this is an act of "repressive homosexuality." It could be that, for all of my life, I've been in denial to the point where I don't even know if I'm denying it or not. Then again, I could be over-thinking this entire situation as well. People have always found me too over-analytical and worrying anyway. I have imagined, for brief bits, guys I have seen in a somewhat romantic way. But never in an explicitly sexual way. It doesn't come easy to sexually imagine guys or girls. I don't understand my mind sees it that way. I think it's because I'm "done" being confused and set in stone for "discovering" my sexual desires. It's a will to establish an identity, but I don't even know where to start. I have the habit of assuming that most people are completely confident with their sexual orientations, and that they never have this issue of battling insecurities. For a while, as an attempt to "settle this" quote-on-quote "issue" by seeing myself as a bisexual. But I'm still confused, because I can't get sexually turned on by girls at will. I can't really for guys either, but it's also easier to get these "mental crushes" just by looking at them. Which is why I could be gay. But, because I can also think the same for girls - although I have to have very strong feelings for her developed, it also means I could be bisexual. I'm just plain old confused. I don't know who I'm attracted to, and I don't know why I don't know. Maybe I am actually gay but I'm lying to myself without consciously knowing it. Or maybe I'm bisexual and "thinking too much." The whole question makes me anxious, I am tired of being confused and it makes me anxious whenever I think about it. And living as a hermit doesn't help matters either. Not to mention that I have been considered gay before by past peers, and I was never sure why. Supposedly it has something to do with my "mannerisms," although my mannerisms (formerly much more feminine) are much more toned down - not by conscious will but by natural transitioning and "age" I guess. So this adds onto the confusion as well. So what do you guys sincerely think of this? It seems that I'm a "hard nut to crack."
Hi TheWorldBook! To me it sounds like you could be gay since you say you've only had strong sexual feelings for guys. But it sounds to me like you also could be bi-romantic because you've had multiple crushes on girls. Whenever you've have girl crushes, does it include wanting to get into bed with them? And lastly, have you been in any relationships with guys and/or girls, and were they enjoyable relationships? I hope this helps! =D
I think you're slightly mixing up "sexual attraction" with "getting sexually turned on" as you've stated in your post. There is a difference between the two and I think that's what's confusing you. I'll give my example. I am strongly attracted to guys, but not every guy that I find attractive turns me on. The majority of guys do not turn me on. Most often I develop strong sexual feelings after I have started to know someone on a more personal level. If this is the case with you, it might mean that you're not exactly a one-night stand material, but you'll do fine if you try to get close to someone. So, have you tried doing that? I'll also mention that there's no point in sticking up a label on yourself. Just go with your heart and see what comes up out of it. Anyway, that's my 2c. Take them with a grain of salt.
Hi TheWorldBook. I don't think you could even begin to understand how similar my situation is to yours. I still sort of want just a cookie-cutter life with a wife, a kid and a dog. But when the sexual attraction isn't there, it's just not going to work. I'm on my way to feeling better about it, but I think it's going to take time.
Hey there, I think your situation is not at all rare seeing as which I've read several threads that is similar to yours. It seems like it could take a while for you to understand your sexuality but let this be known that it's all right to be confused because I do know that you want to get to the bottom of your issue. As for me, I have also physical attraction when it comes to female but not to the point that I want to sleep with them yet I still consider myself as gay. I think it can help if you take a step back for a while and carefully ask yourself these questions. Pinkpanther said some valid points and I do agree that if you try to get to know a person on a more personal level (other than physical and sexual level), maybe it will help you identify what you really long for.
