There is simply no one in this world that does not have any complication in their life. Everyone has their own problem and they are handling as much they can. Although there are so many way to solve their problems, every way has its consequences. Sometimes it’s really hard for someone to choose which one is the best solution for their problem. Sometimes people come to an end when they cannot decide what they should do because of the future consequences. I know this is going to be long but I don’t know how to write any less. I never told my story to anyone before and I hope you guys will understand. I am a 24 years old college student, living in USA. I was born in Bangladesh and I am a Muslim. I moved to USA, when I was 15 years old. From my young age, I know I am different. I always wanted to play with girls instead boys. My older sister, who is 5 years older than me, always liked to dress me as a girl. I was her doll. I can still recall some of the time when she dress me as girl. My sister had a white and blue dress with some kind of glossy dot glued to it. I would let my sister dress me as girl with only one condition if she would let me take those glossy things. I did not mind at all, I actually liked to dress up like a princes. But growing up was not easy. I still recall people in school and my neighborhood, kids used to tease me saying that I am a girl. I got so scared of those people that I almost stop going outside. My whole world suddenly become very small, only limited to my school and house. I guess that was an advantage for my parents because unlike other boys of my age, I was always calm and hardly ever gave them any trouble. They never had any complain about me and all the other kids’ parents would tell their kids to become a good boy like me. Throughout the years I learned to hide myself and my feelings. I hardly talk about myself. I was 15 when my parents decided to move to USA. For the entire eighteen hours of journey, my fifteen-year-old mind just only thought about what my life going to be like. This new world was very different from my world. I always thought that being gay was somehow my fault and tried to hide it from everyone and tried to change himself millions time but failed to do so. It took me so long to accept myself. I started accepting myself when I started College. I don’t think I can ever change, this is who I am! I stared working when I was in 9th grade because my family needed money. I had part time job throughout my high school. Right after I graduated from high school, my dad left us here saying he does not like in this country and can’t work hard anymore. Although I have my mom and older sister, all the responsibly fell on me because my mom can’t speak English and she never worked. Also, my older sister was sick, she is schizophrenic. She never wanted to take her medication and was very aggressive. I took care of her until she got married and moved to Bangladesh. So, when I entered my college life, I was staring working full time with full time classes. Now, I go to one of the top public universities in US. It’s not easy being student here with full time job. I feel like my life is giving me so much pressure! I don’t have any breaks. I don’t know what to do. Right after my sister got married, I thought things might change but then my mom got sick. She was hospitalized 4 different times last year and needed constant assistance. I could not keep up with everything. I was doing poorly in my classes and then I ended up dropping most of my classes. My mom is doing much better now but I am not doing so well, I am just so tired. I cannot focus anymore. Everyone tells me how great I am and they need to have son like me. But if they really knew that I am gay, I know they will be disgusted by me. That’s why I don’t like any compliments anymore because I know they don’t know the real me. My religion, my culture thinks homosexuality is the worse sin of all. Although I am gay, I do believe in God, I pray to him all the time to help me but he never listen. I never came out to anybody beside my dad. He thinks I should change myself. He says if I chose to be gay, they have to abandon me because it’s god’s will. I know I don’t care about what he says but I don’t want my family to suffer because who I am. I know how much pressure they will be in from relatives and friends. That’s why I suffer and don’t know what to do. I don’t have any friends, I mean true friends who I can share about myself. I think I am a good person. I always wants to help others and but why is my life is like this? I believe in my religions and I don’t want to go against that either. I know a lot to people probably in my situation and they got married to a woman. Although I want to have family and want to have kids of my own but I can’t marry a woman just because my family and religion wants me to. It's not fare for that woman either. I don’t have any rights to destroy someone else’s happiness. Now, I am scared to dream about a better future. I don’t see myself being happy and I think no matter what I do I will never be happy. I am so hopeless. I can’t concentrate on studying any more. My grades are falling and I can’t sleep, all the thoughts rushed to me when I tried to sleep. I feel like why should I try, I know I will never be happy. It does not matter I have millions of dollar or I am homeless, I will be alone and unhappy. I can’t take it anymore. I keep thinking about dying but I know I don’t even have that option because who is going to take care of my mom and my younger brother. I don’t have the courage and strength to fight against it either. I am so tried and exhausted! Forgive me for this long story. I just could not able to write any shorter! If you came so far, Thank your for reading a sad and lonely person's personal story!
Hello Akassaka, I am sorry that you feel hopeless in life. After what you have been through recently, the feeling of hopelessness is a natural reaction to the distress you have felt for what seems to be a while. You recognize most of what is happening, and you realize that the pressure in your life is only stirring havoc in your life. I understand what it is like to dislike compliments, especially if they are based off of the simplistic perceptions of others. Dealing with simplistic perceptions is a common issue many of us face, especially those who do not wish to reveal their sexual orientation in public. From what I have read about sexual orientation, there seems to be a conflicting argument about how you could control that. It reminds me of the popular philosophical dichotomy of free will (freedom of choice) vs. determinism. There are those who seem to think that your sexual orientation is inevitable and there are those who seem to think that, while mostly in tact, can also "change" according to certain situations you somehow "choose" in your personal life. You are not the only person who hides yourself due to your sexual orientation. I am currently questioning my own sexuality, and I choose to do so after repressing the fact that I am not a heterosexual for so long. It's good to hear that you've come to accept yourself, that's the better path compared to self-imprisonment. Even if life is havoc for you, continuing to accept yourself is healthier than shaming yourself because of your orientation. Sexual orientation is not a matter of "fault." It's nobody's fault that they are gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, transexual, demisexual, pansexual, etc. Many religious perspectives speak out against homosexuality, but that doesn't mean you should stop practicing your religion. That is your choice, despite your sexual orientation. Perhaps compromise to God or whatever you feel comfortable with to somehow confirm that, despite your homosexuality, you are still faithful and willing to love Him. As for telling your family about your orientation, I recommend that you do not panic and tell them while you are nervous. Your nervousness could make them nervous too, and that can cause a chain reaction. When the situation improves (hopefully it improves eventually), and whenever you truly feel comfortable in telling them - I think the best solution is to plan on how to tell them (since it is a major revelation, after all) before telling them. Make sure you are comfortable and confident. By the way, welcome to Empty Closet. I am new here too, but so far it is becoming an addictive experience for me. I only joined three days ago too! Don't feel that my advice is compulsory, it is not. I do not mean to dictate what you need to do, as I do not run your life. What I can do is hope that your life pans out for the better in the future. Optimism during troubling times is difficult,
thank you for your kind words TheWorldBook, I have been fighting and dealing with myself about coming out. I know it's not the time but I don't feel free... I feel trapped in a cage which is created my me... I want to be open book to everyone and then i don't have to think about anything no more. I know it's going to take time but i am just too tired to do anything right now.... maybe someday will come when i will see the sunrise again.
In spite of adversity you're still standing. You should give some breathing space and please don't be so harsh on yourself. So, instead of teaching you how to live, obviously you know how to do that, I'll just give you a nice friendly hug. Right now that's what you need the most.
