Hello all. So, first of all, I'm a 26-year-old male who's just now coming to terms with the fact that I'm attracted to other men (and still a bit to women). I've been crossing off names on a list of 20 that I feel like I need to tell -- and then that's it. After that it'll be on an ask-only basis. I'm about halfway through the list. Since I've began telling people this week -- I've woken up two hours earlier than my alarm every morning, so I've only been getting 4-5 hours of sleep per night. I feel like crap -- achey, sore, tired. I take a shower, and after my shower I start to feel nauseas and spend about 10 minutes throwing up bile, since my stomach is empty. I've lost about 40 pounds in the last 5 months. The first 30 were on purpose, the last 10 feel like they're out of my control. I have no appetite -- I'm literally eating because I know I have to do it to keep surviving. That part sucks. It takes me about two hours to feel semi-normal and then I can usually breeze through work since I'm occupied and busy and don't have to think about any of it. Really, the only time when I do feel OK is when I don't have to think about it. I'm almost angry (for no good reason, I realize) at these people who came out to others and just got their life back immediately, like a weight had been lifted. Honestly, I feel absolutely worse since telling people and I'm pretty upset. There are brief, brief windows in the day where I feel OK and that's really my only hope right now at a life where I'm truly and honestly happy and not just busying myself to distract me. (I have an appointment with a therapist on Wednesday). Can anyone relate to this?
Well, I came out last October, felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, and my life is still in flux, and chaotic. I would also see a doctor about your morning nausea, my ex-brother-in-law had similar symptoms and his turned out to be a hernia. Just because coming out made me feel better, it didn't make my life suddenly magical. I'm now on a better path for being genuinely happy.
I can't tell whether the nausea is a psychological effect to your coming out or not but either way I think you do need to have it checked with a licensed doctor and since you are meeting with a therapist on Wednesday, you might want to mention to him as well. After coming out to your friends, what were their reactions? Was it negative or positive?
It's been 9 days since I came out to my first person. After that, I knew I needed to tell more people and made a list of my own. Since that day, I felt sick almost exactly like that almost all day long, except I didn't throw up. There was one person on that list who telling constantly filled my mind. I wanted to do it so bad, yet I was more terrified telling this person than anyone else, and I had no idea why. It took me five days to work up enough courage to do it (I even sat there staring at the chat window for two hours that day before I could send anything). But as soon as I told them and the adrenaline wore off that sickness went away completely. I've even told two more people since then with slight nervousness, but no gut-wrenching anxiety. So, it might just be a MAJOR case of nerves. If there are one or two people that are really weighing on you, if you can, maybe try getting to them sooner rather than later and see if it helps.
Not for coming out specifically, but yeah. I had some major things change in my life a couple of years ago, and it was all I could to do be human being for a while after each time. Anxiety, heightened emotions, problems with sleep and mood, have all been things I've had to deal with after times of stress. Sometimes dealing with the thing that directly caused the anxiety makes it fade away, and sometimes it seems more like the life change triggered some other things I hadn't been aware of and it took a lot of work to find my center again - but I've always been able to grow and heal, with help. It's hard, but I definitely don't think you're alone in the way you feel. The most important part, for me at least, was knowing you don't have to get through it alone, so I'm really glad to hear that you're planning on talking with someone qualified. Good luck, and remember that you can do this!
