Hey everyone, For the last few years I haven't really had any friends, and I decided at the beginning of this year to make it a goal to to get over my social anxiety issues and start to build a bit of a social circle. It's actually been going pretty great! I started going to some meetup groups and met some really cool people. Today I went to this shyness group that I usually go to on Saturdays and afterwards one of the guys I met there a few weeks ago (Nathan) and another new guy who came to the group this week (Andrew) went to a restaurant. It was really fun and there was a lot of good conversation! The problem is they don't know I'm gay and I felt completely out of place when they started talking about how to get into a relationship with a girl. As a side-note, a few weeks ago when I met Nathan we went to a restaurant with another girl from the group (Donna). Donna and I had so much in common and I've rarely had conversation with anyone that flowed that freely. We basically talked for 3 hours nonstop! I went home at the end of the night thinking, "Man, if she was a gay guy, she'd be perfect for me" haha. So today when Nathan and Andrew were talking about girls and I was pretty much completely silent, Nathan said to me, "Would you be interested in getting to know Donna better? From the other week, it seems like she'd be a perfect fit for you!" I kind of froze and didn't really know what to say so I just made some excuse to change the topic. Anyway, it seems like these people are starting to become closer to me (I even invited them to my apartment after the restaurant) and I'd like to be able to be my whole self with them. But I'm not sure when would be the right time to come out to them, and how I should come out to them. I've never really had much experience coming out to people since I was a social recluse for years. It's really exciting to have new friends, but at the same time the awkwardness around not completely being myself and feeling out of place in conversations regarding relationships is really bothering me. Help!
If you can manage it, what if you choose to make it a little jokey. So when they ask you about Donna, you could say something like, "You're right, she is nice but I suspect she'd get bored pretty fast because I like guys."
First off, congrats for venturing out and making an effort to meet new people! As a fellow shy person, it always makes me smile and gives me a bit of hope when it comes to others getting out there and giving it a go. As far as your dilemma, the next time you're in conversation, I would try and steer the conversation toward an LGBT topic (maybe there's something in the news). See how they react. If they seem like they're cool with gay people, the next time the topic of relationships comes up, you might just want to tell them that you're gay. Most Torontonians are totally fine with gay people (hell, it was just the site for World Pride).
If they give you the opportunity again, you could say, "I think she could be perfect for me in many ways; she is a very nice girl with a great personality I enjoy, but I don't feel any physical attraction to her." Then let them do the math and figure it out.
Congrats on building a social circle, it's hard to start off but I'm gad it's working for you. Honestly I think it's best if you try and be as casual as possible about it, ike others said maybe try be a little jokey about it if you think they have that sense of humour. Maybe next time they ask about Donna say that she's not your type and if they ask to elaborate on your type tell them "male". It'll certainly get the point across. But whatever way you tell them only do it when you're ready and comfortable. :icon_bigg
Hi nl226374! Good for you for making a great start with socialising with people and getting over your anxiety. I had anxiety and overcame it, so I know the feeling that you are describing. I would say the best thing to do when you are meeting new people be observant in how they act, be or say around LGBT people. Because you can tell alot by someone's behaviour, thoughts, body language and even opinions about how they feel about not just LGBT people, but about anyone. If you get the chance to be around someone or something that is LGBT related, strike up a conversation and ask their opinions on whatever you are talking about and don't make it obvious that it's about you. Because, in doing that, that will help you to understand them of where they stand on the subject. If they both don't mind, then there shouldn't be a problem. But if there is, I would do mix with what Gweynth Paltrow would say with something else, meaning 'Unconciously unfriending'. You dont need to be around people like that, because you need to be around people who like you for you, rather then just being friends with you because they think they have the same belief system as them. You say that they are new, If they don't care about the LGBT issue. I would say, give it time so that you can get to know them to the point where you all feel that you can say anything about each other. I'm not saying wait until your old and grey, but you could have a moment where you'll fully understand them, in terms of how they are as a friend. If that moment shows then I would say do it. Even then, you still don't know how are they going to act, but you have given them the time to get to know them, as they have for yourself and you all feel a sense of trust from one another, so with any issues...good or bad should not be a problem, so from then on, if they don't have an issue with you being gay, then those are your REAL! friends.
Thanks for the advice everyone! I already feel like they're pretty comfortable with gay people because 1. It's Toronto, and 2. Both of them have said things that indicate they'd be comfortable with it. I remember when I first met Nathan he said, "These days it's easier for a guy to come out as gay than to come out and say they're socially anxious." He also said something last week like, "I wish it was okay for guys to be more sensitive and in tune with his feelings. It seems like you always have to be so macho, and I'm not like that." When we were discussing the restaurant we were going to, Andrew also mentioned that the last time he went there was when he went to Pride. The above makes it seem like this should be easy for me, but I guess it's not due to my fear of rejection and having never done this before. When we hung out last weekend, one of the topics we talked about in relation to dating was how socially anxious people don't take risks unless there is a 100% probability of success, and that perfectly describes why I never come out to people. I was debating just telling them on Facebook, but at the same time it seems like it would be good practice to do it in person. I'm not sure about making it into a joke because I don't really have the confidence to do that. But maybe I'll try working it into some conversation when we meet up again in a couple of weeks. I'm not sure I'll be able to do it though. I have a feeling this could actually make us closer, but the slight chance of rejection prevents me from taking these kinds of risks.
I went for the casual, humour route because I personally don't do intense conversations well. If I were to sit them down and look them in the eye and say "I like woman" it would never get done because I'd run away. Whereas causually bringing up the fact that I love someone for who they are regardless of their sex in conversation while out for a walk took SO much pressure off and it's the way I've done it for the people I came out to in person (most were done online via facebook message because I live abroad)
Honestly it sounds like there is zero chance of rejection here. I understand being paranoid, especially if you have social anxiety, but seriously your friend has been to pride he's not homophobic These people already understand your social anxiety stuff and are in the same boat so they'll completely understand that coming out would be hard for you.. If it ends up coming out awkwardly they will get that and will be supportive When I came out to people at first I wanted it to sound like no big deal, but it was pretty obvious that it was a big deal for me, but people get that. If it's a big deal for you then I don't see why it's a bad thing for others to know it's a big deal.. go for the classic "Can I tell you something?.." then after you can have a good chat about how it's hard to come out as a socially anxious person haha
Ugh...I spent like 4 hours alone with Nathan last night and I still couldn't do it. I had so many opportunities too. He talked about how a lesbian couple asked him to take a picture of them in front of a mural and said he asked them some random questions about if they were involved in the gay community, how long they'd been together, etc. I totally could've brought it up there but I was too scared and didn't really know how. He also talked a bit about going to a strip club and wanting to go again (possibly with me). I totally could've just said "I like guys" there or something but again I was too scared. I don't know what's wrong with me!
You know, this sounds a little familiar to another thread I read. A guy had many opportunities to come out to his best friend and couldn't do it for the longest time. He eventually did, and was well supported. I'm subscribing to this thread (I did the last one too) because I believe you will come out to him and you will share it here.
@nl226374 Don't worry! Calm down When I came out to my mom over text, I swear my finger was hovering over the "send" button for at least 15 minutes. My chest felt like it closed up, it was pretty scary >.< Don't pressure yourself to tell him - even if you end up blurting it out of the most random time, it's ok ^.^ Whatever feels good with you! ---------- Post added 30th Mar 2015 at 09:54 PM ---------- *at the most
Update! So I've been hanging out with Nathan a lot lately (I pretty much spent all weekend with him) and today I said to myself, "I HAVE to come out to him already!" We were talking about relationships pretty much all night with a couple of other friends and once we had some time alone at the end of the night, it finally happened. He was asking me about Donna and I started hinting that I was gay but didn't really say it. He figured it out pretty quickly. These were some of the comments I got from him afterwards: "I'm still your best friend!" "We should go to the gay village and hit up some bars. I'll be your wingman!" "I'll hit on them first and then introduce you if you're scared." "I feel like I understand you so much better now and our friendship has hit a new level." I feel pretty damn awesome right now.
Congratulations! That is awesome!!! I remember reading this thread, because I am in a similar position to you--I haven't had any close friends near where I am living and have been making the effort to socialize more. Now I am starting to make one good friend at least, and haven't said anything yet. Thanks for updating and sharing your story! It is very inspiring to me.
wow! that's awesome! I really needed this. i'll be leaving home soon for school (in a few weeks) and this is a chance for me to start all over again. i am really nervous and anxious about coming out to future roommates and potential new friends (i have social anxiety also). after coming out to my anti-gay family, i don't know if i can handle being rejected and denied again. hopefully my experiences will be like yours...
So the guy I came out to has been thanking people on his Facebook for random things to be more positive over the last few weeks. This is what he wrote this morning: "Thank you *my name* for opening up to me and allowing me to discover more about you, and learning so much more. I accept you for everything you are." Huge smile on my face when I got to work and read that.
