I've always felt different to other girls in some way and I mostly hang around with guys, in fact my friends are pretty much all guys. I feel like there's a few reasons for this, but I especially don't connect when girls talk about guys. It's been that way throughout high school when girls were obsessing over attractive guys, as cheesy as it is, boy band members and crazes like Twilight where all my friends were buying topless posters of Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson and I was never into either...swaying more towards team Kristen Stewart to be honest, though never openly.* I can't think of one 'celebrity' guy crush but I can immediately think of at least ten girl crushes. I've also had way more crushes on girls in real life than guys too, throughout my life. When I was younger I had a crush on a female teacher. The guys are always seemingly forced through peer pressure. I never really talk to anyone about the girl crushes other than with my guy friends, where I actually have the opportunity to do that because we have that in common. I also had an experience that I've never told anybody about. When I was around 16 I shared a bed with a girl that was a friends friend. I almost feel ashamed to admit it but I felt weirdly, deeply attracted to her and I felt really ashamed about it and forced myself to stop thinking like that.* But It's the same now. When I'm see guys who most girls find attractive, I go along with it and pretend I feel the same way but really they do nothing for me at all.* I'm still a virgin but I dated a couple of guys in high school and after, but split up for the same reason with both...I was just never really that interested, I felt I was forcing myself to love them as they loved me, and it felt good to be 'normal' and have a boyfriend, but I couldn't feign it for long. It felt more like a friendship both times. It would be a lie to say I've never considered I could be gay, I just try to brush it off and make it go away because I know my family *really* wouldn't approve. They think it's weird, and they would treat me differently. What happened recently was completely random, but I met a girl who works in the cinema nearby. I had a strange feeling around her, like I was really, really attracted to her. I could barely speak and I had 'butterflies'. It was physical attraction as well as emotional. Again I tried to brush it off but it didn't work as well this time. I started wondering if I really could be gay. I was curious and started watching lesbian films...which admittedly really turned me on, and generally looking up lesbian role models etc. It's frustrating for me because I feel happy and secure in all other areas of my life, but I feel like something's missing, like I don't know a part of myself that I should.* It's like this inescapable feeling. Like something's finally clicked. After considering the prospect I could be gay, I'm noticing girls more and fantasising about girls. I get far more from it than I do from guys but still...I'm terrified at the same time. I keep wondering if this could just be a phase, but at the same time, I feel like if I ever get with another guy I'm always going to be wondering what it would be like to be with a girl, and I'm worried if this is just a phase, I might get with a girl and change my mind, and I'm terrified of how people react. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends about it in case they tell other people, and if I tell the only close female friend I have, I feel like it might make things weird between us...if that makes any sense. I was hoping I could get some advice on here, it would be very much appreciated.
I'm not one to believe in phases, not saying it can't happen but I don't personally think phases are true. You're totally not alone in this, a lot of people on here go through similar things-- including me, even though my situation isn't exactly like yours, I recently been coming into terms with my sexuality as well and I think that is why you might confuse it with a phase- that's normal. When you first discover yourself you are in a state of denial(you should look up the cass identity model- it gives you the stages of acceptance so you're more comfortable) Families aren't generally on our radar to tell first, and I completely understand. My family wouldn't get me either if I told them my sexuality. This whole process is frustrating I must admit, and confusing but it does get easier. I would first look into the scale, and do some more self discovering before coming out to anyone so you know who you are and you're okay with it. Sometimes people like to tell you what your sexuality is and if you're weak you'll go back to the dark closet and I don't want that to happen to you! So just do some self discovery and when you're comfortable you can tell family and friends.
