Let me tell my story, and please give me advice. For years I've always felt platonic towards the people who my friends have crushed on. Be it celebs or people we knew. Then back in middle school, my friends started coming out and being who they said they felt they naturally were. I didn't understand it - not the fact they were lesbians and bisexuals - but the fact that it seemed to change how some people looked at my friends. They were still as perfect as always and then I began to wonder if my view was weird. I never grew up with gays or lesbians (I'm using labels here to better describe myself and my experiences) and yet even so I don't remember ever being weirded out by anyone who was with the same sex, or gender queer. At the end of middle school I was a strong supporter of them. Still am one proud mama. This has effected me however. Seeing as the majority of my friends are open about having a sexuality, most assume I'm a lesbian, or experiment. This hasn't ever upset me; I simply would tell them I wasn't. But then at the end of my freshman year I was asked by a complete stranger, "Is it weird being the straight one? Do they try to tempt you?" I sort of just stared at her in confusion. The way she said it made it sound like my friends acted like whores - but she said it innocently, like a curious child. I simply told her that my friends were the same as hers and went about my business. Then during sophomore year my friend who really struggled with her look and sexuality since a bad break up in middle school went from lesbian to transgender with varying likes in both genders. Again this didn't bother me at all and I was proud to stand beside him. He asked me why I was so cool with his change and happy for him, and then asked me how I felt about my sexuality. I told him that he's been my friend since early middle school and that won't change because he's more comfortable as a man. Then I said I was pansexual because I thought it meant I was neutral to attractions. (I always thought something was wrong with me / but don't get me wrong I'm no saint or can't get aroused or anything ) and he laughed and told me that pansexual can mean you can get attracted to anyone regardless of their diversity. (With their respective likes of course) This didn't fit me though. Actually this was my problem in reverse. Here's where this has all lead up to. I feel at ease calling myself demisexual because every relationship I've ever been in takes a long time to become official. This is because I want to know their personality, and from there I either grow interested or not. The thing is, because of this "process" by the time I'm ready to approach open flirting my possible partner gets taken by a friend and forever marked off my list of having as a boyfriend. In the last two years I've even considered three girls once we'd connected and had similar likes. Two are now taken. One is waiting for my reply. She has had a crush on me for at least two years now, but until the last three months I've only considered her a platonic best friend for these reasons. 1). Although personality and connections are what make my heart race, I do have some attributes that at least get my attention. In a man I want masculinity. Not a jock but someone with broad shoulders and with height. While I've found I prefer an average height girl with a cute laugh. My friend is shorter than me, but we're the same age. If I saw myself with a woman she isn't what I would look for...but then again I like because of how much we get along and can understand each other. I know that's a good sign, but I still want to be honest with myself. 2). Until recently I've never wanted to see her as anything else BECAUSE we are so close to each other. She is my best geeky little friend, and it scares me. I've seen very personally how "just friends" afterward works, since my friends consider me the big sister of our little band. I don't want to make her cry or lose her if it doesn't work out. 3). The Reactions. This is sort of complicated. Her father loves me and I think has hinted he'd be alright if we dated and her family would likely support it, if cautiously. The thing is things would forever change. I mean maybe we wouldn't be allowed to stay at her house alone or even close her door, and that would embarrass me. Again, what embarrasses me might be strange. My Family. My mom wouldn't react poorly, I hope. I think she'd be uncomfortable but cool with it. The rest of my family however... They don't even understand my support of the LGBT community, but then again I've never explained it in detail. I wouldn't want to hide it on Christmas or anything, but they'd definitely be...uncomfortable to put it lightly. 4). Our Friends. I don't see any bad reactions. 5). Our closest friend is a girl who would - if I did date my friend - be the odd wheel out as we always do everything together in threes. I love her horribly, and I wouldn't want to make her uncomfortable. She takes me to church with her. (She personally doesn't agree or disagree with LGBT.) Her family though and my church family are very important to me. Her dad is like a second dad to me, and he's a pastor. Her mom is also like another parent and they both don't seem to agree with LGBT. I wouldn't want to lose them or my church friends who feel very uncomfortable with gays and lesbians. (I brought it up once casually after a good timed joke allowed it.) I guess what I'm trying to ask here is just should I go for it? The risk worries me. I'm not worried about bullying - my school is rather okay with it, and if they weren't it doesn't even matter. I could convince my parents my preference of finding someone I like is normal and the fact that its a girl is nothing weird. I just want to be honest and make us both happy but I'm afraid I'll fail at it. She's never dated before, but I have, just not a girl. I just don't know if the change is worth it. Will someone please tell me if they had a problem like mine? I absolutely don't feel like I'm jumping on the LGBT bandwagon. (The time frame for that is long gone, as they all came out around middle school.) I like the fact we get each other and can have hour and a half phone calls, (even though I like face talking better). I want to give it a try, but if I did everything would change and I don't know enough about the topic to advice myself, I think. I always end up being cheated on and heartbroken by the people I care about because I let them in first. She actually asked me out after my ex-best friend stole a second boyfriend from me. (Back last year in August.) *sigh* If that can actually happen I wonder if it's my fault. Maybe I'm not a good girlfriend, and because I know how much she cares, I'm insecure I'll make her hate me or make it impossible to return to what we have. Dating a girl doesn't bother me. What scares me is the change since I don't what to lose her like the others, and don't know what to expect. Unlike them she is family to me, and if I have anything it is loyalty. Please give me honest motivation or guidance.
