I'm 26. Always considered myself heterosexual with a strong attraction to females. For over a year now, every day has been stress, worry, anxiety and compulsive research/behavior as I am just unsure now. I've looked into every possible possibility to explain my behavior and find some reassurance that I am not in fact gay or bisexual. It's complicated due to the fact I have other issues such as OCD and Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I haven't been professionally diagnosed with either, but after reading up on them...I fit them to a "T". Here are the facts: 1. I've always had desire for females. I remember writing a girl a letter asking her to be my GF and slipping it in her locker when I was 13. I know this attraction was genuine, as she was far from the stereotypical "hot" chick. I just had feelings for her and would get nervous yet excited when I saw her and either always tried to get her attention or hide from her. This carried on with many other girls for many, many years. 2. I never experienced such feelings for males. Still to this day I have what are considered to be "mancrushes" (I.E. idols). But zero sexual feelings for these guys. 3. I began masturbating at around age 12 with Playboy and various other magazines, by 14/15 I was already exploring more hardcore porn and having more extreme fantasies. This is when thoughts of engaging in sex with men/trannys came into play. STILL, I always considered them fantasy and my desire for women was still strong. I've always had a secret addiction to porn and used sexual fantasy as a coping mechanism throughout my life. Of course when I got the internet, the flood gates open. I always viewed the gay/bi porn and tranny porn as a kink, a fetish really. It was never a "natural" thing for me, but a taboo. I just never thought about it outside my isolation and "trace". Anyway, two years ago (I hate talking about this)....I gave into a temptation to engage in totally anonymous sex. To make a long story short, I got oral sex from another guy, a total stranger. I had to debate and talk myself into it, but eventually I just focused on all the negative aspects of my life and had a "fuck it" attitude. One year later, I was with a family member and he suggested we go to a strip club. I got nervous and said I didn't want to go. I went on to explain I thought they were stupid, to PAY a girl to flirt with me...when I know she probably thinks I am ugly (see, my own poor self image has a lot to do with it). Anyway, he said "you know, I think your gay". Suddenly, something hit me. I thought about how I let a guy blow me, but I didn't want to have strippers flirt with me. It made me a bit anxious, but I forgot about it. Then when I went home, I found myself looking at tranny porn and BAM! I sunk into a black hole. I suddenly made links to the porn, the encounter and everything else. The people always questioning my sexuality, being called a fag in school (I liked marilyn manson and looked the part), my bad luck with girls, my excessive grooming habits and pre-occupation with my looks. Suddenly at this very moment, it seemed as if my attraction and desire for women totally decreased. For over a year now, I've studied sexuality, visited gay chat rooms, looked at porn... I still can't bring myself to say I am gay or bi. But I feel like because of my behavior, I am forced to have to. I don't want to be either, to be honest and that isn't internalized homophobia, but it has to do with my own self being and my future goals. Aside from gay/bi/tranny porn, I've also looked at a lot of other porn that would be deemed pretty extreme. I've only had vaginal intercourse with two girls in my entire life. I've wondered if this is because I am gay/bi, but I believe it has to do with my Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I can't even look people in their eyes and have very poor social skills. Aside from that, I also believe I could be a sexual/porn addict (wait, I KNOW I am) and it just escalated to where I am now. There are so many possibilities. There is so much more to this... I've looked into any possible sexual abuse from my past. I wasn't molested or anything like that, but I did read up on covert sexual abuse and that struck a chord with me. I've always knew that my sexual fantasies involving other males didn't start until AFTER I was called fag, faggot, homo and so on. I remember one incident when I was actually punched in the side of the head by a much bigger guy and then hearing him ask one of his friends "what was that? Was that a chick? Cause I just hit". I also remember a girl flat out asking me if I was gay. A girl I didn't even know or care to know, yet every time she saw me she'd start in. All this shit pissed me off to no end, because I felt STRAIGHT, not because I felt victimized. Now, I am not saying I think sexual abuse is a contributing factor to a person being gay, but do know that it is well documented that some victims of sexual abuse do "act out" later, but they are innately heterosexual and the only thing homosexual about it is the behavior. Much like mine. I believe this is one factor. Another is the sexual/porn addiction. Like a drug addict needs a stronger "hit" of the drug he uses, a porn addict needs stronger, more "taboo" content to keep him aroused or experience a stronger orgasm. This could include gay/bi/tranny porn. I feel like shit over it and feel guilt, not because of internalized homophobia, but because it goes against my core values and identity. But it's still arousing for transgressive and "taboo" nature. I didn't learn about the world of anonymous sex/craigslist hook-up's and such because I was looking for sex with guys, but through my porn obsession. I feel the urge to act out like this, not because I want to be with a guy...but the availability of it and the fact that a guy doesn't care what you look like, what car you drive, how much money you make, etc. ....I have an urge to do it, but I only go so far and never act on it or go through with it. Am I a repressed homosexual? Or do I know that it's not in my best interest and will lead to regret? I feel like I lost interest in women, because they don't seem like a possibility to me. I don't feel I am good enough for one and that there is always somebody they will pick over me. Which also results an distaste for them. But I believe I am innately heterosexual. What do you think?
Welcome aboard. It's not unheard of for people's attractions, if not their orientations, to change over time. Not everyone who's bi always wants both men and women all the time. Straight people can have increased and decreased interest in the opposite sex, and maybe a passing interest in the same sex. People say around here that labels don't matter, that you should just get to know yourself. At the very least, though, you sound bi-curious, which is when you have a major preference for one sex and thus identify as either straight or gay but have a slight or passing interest in your sex of non-preference. It sounds like your suspected OCD may be complicating things here, so that your pornographic interest in men and MTF transsexuals is not just sexual curiosity but possibly an obsession from your OCD. Perhaps you should see a therapist and get checked out for OCD, and then, while in treatment (if diagnosed), see how you relate to pornography and sexual curiosity. And don't put too much stock in other people wondering if you're gay. Not everyone fits the stereotype of their sexuality. My family supposedly used to wonder if I might be gay when I was in my early teens because I didn't report having any crushes until my second crush at 14. And at least my mother might have wondered more recently as well: when I was 21 or so, I overheard her talking to someone about how I'd mentioned a semi-crush on a guy, and the tone and context implied that said semi-crush had cleared up some kind of doubts, because at that point I had not reported either a crush or a boyfriend for a couple of years. I'm pretty sure I'm not gay, but I've had occasional bi-curiosity myself (not girl crushes, but something like a much milder version of what you describe with the porn, where sexualized images of women kind of "stir" me or I want to look at them a bit more). And I won't rule out the possibility of one day "turning" gay or bi because of the fact that feelings and orientations can drift for some people.
Curious, maybe. But this is mostly when I was in the "trace" while I binge on porn and cyber sex. I waste countless hours doing so and in that time could be so productive in other areas of life. When the doubting of my sexuality started, my masturbation and porn abuse got even more compulsive. I guess I use it futilely to explore the thoughts and "act" them out, while also relieving the anxiety. It's a bad circle. It's not like a normal, natural curiosity. It's driven more out of anxiety, disappointment and need for escapism. I was actually disgusted by gay porn at one time and only viewed in now and then, when I was in an extra uninhibited state of mind, but I generally couldn't view certain things...like guys kissing. Even today it's not a pleasant thoughts. So I honestly don't think I am gay or bi. Over time I became desensitized to it, I guess. Faces are another thing. It's usually faces of girls that I am drawn too. That's where a person's physical uniqueness lies. Guys faces never grab me and there bodies never did much either. I hear a lot of guys worry they might be gay/bi but say they are not drawn to faces and even turned off by them a bit. So I can't see how such a person could be labeled bi. The worst and I do mean THE WORST part of this is: 1. A sense of loss of identity and the feeling that I was either too stupid/too in denial to see my true self.....when I thought I had such deep insight into myself. 2. The thought that women aren't the core of my attractions 100% and the fact that I might actually prefer...a man over a female? I see something wrong with that. I can't understand how I would want a man over a women. If love plays a big part in orientation, then I am straight. Cause I could never see myself telling a man I love him or sleeping next to him, cuddling...getting jealous over him or any of those emotions/desires I feel/felt for women. To me: I believe orientation is defined by the alignment of physical/romantic/emotional attraction. To me, a real bisexual is a person who can feel that for both. Maybe not equally and maybe one sex more than the other, but it's when that term "bisexual" fits well with them and they can experience the above for either. A guy who...says he's not attracted to men in any way but, let's say has a thing for "sucking cock". I can only believe this is a guy who is straight but for some psychological (ALL sexual fantasy or prefered acts are rooted in psyche) reason gets off on this "act", this "behavior"...and we all know orientation isn't defined by sexual acts of behavior alone. The behavior might be homosexual, but it doesn't always mean the guy is. To say this guy is gay, bi and just in denial or suffers from internalized homophobia is PC and typical thinking that isn't always true. Not to cause trouble or anything, but I think the gay community might be in denial themselves over the fact that sometimes a behavior or fetish a person has can be outside their orientation/identity and that some people do engage in homosexual behavior but aren't homosexual themselves. It's not an innate thing for them, but saying so and exploring the reasons why is controversial and some fear that it goes against the "sexual orientation is innate" belief (I do think it's true for most), this making it homophobia and that's a no, no. Especially since homosexuality was taken off the list of mental disorders. So any therapist who explores other possibilities other than orientation as to why a person is engaging in certain behaviors will be looked at as unethical and will be shunned and protested.
hmm...so it sounds like you're mostly straight, at least as far as you can tell. I'll take your word on that. But I think it would be good for you to loosen up a bit on your anxiety about it. That's why I came here: to loosen up on my anxiety about my own bi-curiosity, to encourage myself to explore the fact that every once in a while I've reacted physically to sexy women. (Though as I jog my memory, I find that I've reacted physically to men too...this one time at college came to mind, when a guy walked by wearing only a towel, and I felt a surprising twinge of lust. He had a nice bod. I RARELY feel that way about either men or women, though. I can usually look at either and feel a whole lot of nothing.) I think a lot of the people around here would agree that there's a lot of fluidity to sexuality, and so someone can be more or less straight but like a few "gay" things and vice versa. This place doesn't seem to be heavy on those black-and-white thinkers who believe that bisexuals are just half-closeted gays, or any of the other dumb ideas I've seen floating around. Another ethos that I see around here is that what you identify as is up to you. Nobody's going to push you to consider yourself gay; they'll just encourage you to figure it out for yourself, and help you if you ask. So yeah, feel free to explore why your little "kink" bothers you so and what its nature is. No need to rigidly label yourself or others. If you want to get over fear, or internalized homophobia, this might be a good place to start. (Though don't expect a warm welcome if you start acting like a blatant troll. I don't think you are thus far, though. Saying that sexuality can be fluid is not taboo here, as far as I can tell.)
Welcome to EC! Going based solely on what you've said (and frankly, what else could I base things on?), here's what I think is going on. You? Straight. Not gay, not bisexual. Straight. You've got some issues and problems that make it quite difficult to form relationships, to go out on dates, to get a girlfriend. But since you've still got those physical urges, you do the standard thing of looking at porn. It's always available. With the internet, it's whatever you want to be. And post-orgasm, you click the X in the top right of the screen, and it goes away - you don't have to worry about how to treat it in the morning. Nothing wrong with that. But you're 26, and these issues are ongoing. After a while, standard porn gets to be old hat. Girls smiling and pressing their breasts together just doesn't do it for you anymore. So what do you do? Nudge it a bit further forward. Perhaps something a bit more "out there". And then you get the "naughty excitement" on top of the "sex excitement". That might be group porn, or tranny porn...or gay porn. Two years ago, an opportunity arises. You can receive oral sex from a random guy. You say yes. Because you're gay? No, I don't think so. You say yes because you're 24 (at the time), and your sexual history is pretty minimal. You figure it beats looking for yet more porn that evening. Last year, another opportunity arises. A lesser one. Going to a strip club. You say no. Because you're gay? No, I don't think so. Because it's going to be uncomfortable. The gay blow-job was OK - it was quick, it was anonymous, there was no follow-up. This is different. It's a woman in the flesh, staring you down perhaps, removing her clothing. And your friend(s) cheering her (and you) on. But no payoff, if you will. Had instead you been offered a private night (or half an hour) with a female professional sex worker, I have a feeling you might have said yes. In short, I don't think it's the "woman". It's the circumstances surrounding it. People have called you gay. Two reasons. One, it's derogatory (to some). To them, it means "not much of a 'real' man". Secondly, there have apparently been opportunities to meet, interact with, and perhaps even hook up with women. And you've not taken advantage, due to your other issues. To others, they see you shying away from these opportunities, and think there's only one excuse - gay. So no. I don't think you're gay. Or bi. Just straight. But frankly, your sexuality isn't the problem. It's all your other issues. The ones that are keeping you from getting a girlfriend, and getting laid. The ones that are leading you to take solace in porn, perhaps more than one should. Having names to attach to them - OCD, BDD - is all well and good, but it's only the first step. Next step - getting beyond them. Working with them so that, despite them, you can still get girlfriends, and still get laid. Because you can. Maybe not tomorrow, or next month. But eventually. Because as fun as porn and masturbation can be, they're nowhere near as good as good sex. Lex
I would tend to agree with Lex on this. Trannies are interesting - neither gay nor straight. When I started on porn, I looked for pictures of couples: the man got my juices flowing, the woman was my alibi or my good conscience. You are focused on women and, possibly, on effeminate looking men (don't mean flamboyant queens, I mean men with a soft face). Don't worry about it, don't bother with the labels, they are too small to put the full story.
