I just recently came to the realization that I was attracted to women and only women. This was something I didn't think would ever happen. At first I was excited that I actually knew what the crap was going on in my brain. This was at like 3am for me, and so I was alone and I wrote a little journal and then went to bed. The next day, I started to become so anxious around my family and friends. Like, I feel like there is an elephant on my chest pretty much 24/7. And I posted a blog about this a day or two ago, but I hate hiding myself from them. This is a really big part of me and this is a big deal for me, and I don't know if I will ever be able to tell my family and them fully accept me. I know I am no where near ready to come out to anyone that I'm not 100% sure that they will love and accept who I am. My family is also a very conservative christian family (my father is a baptist preacher). I have also been hiding the fact that I do not have the same beliefs as my family. I feel like my whole life is just a big lie and I absolutely have no idea what to do. I am just so scared and anxious...and idk. Any advice? Anything will help!
I know how you feel. When I first realized I was into girls, it terrified me. I remember clearly one night I just couldn't sleep, and I'm an atheist, but I was so scared I just started praying that I wasn't a lesbian. The next morning, my sister took me out to breakfast, and I felt bad because I felt so nauseous because I was so anxious, and my sister thought I had the flu. I kind of went through some phases with the whole matter. At first I was in denial, then I was scared, then I felt ashamed, and then I just went back to fear for a while. I was scared of letting my family down, especially my mother. I thought that if I told her I'd just be disappointing her by not being the daughter she wanted. That somehow by being gay I was taking something away from her and being a failure. Over time, I began to feel better about it. It took a while, but the first step was accepting who I was. Easier said than done, I know. But the first step for me was just saying it out loud. Even alone, that was so hard for me. But it's where I started. The more I acknowledged it, the better that I felt, and I became more and more at ease with it. The idea of telling my family stressed me out, but eventually I did it. I took baby steps, telling choice people who I felt safe with, and not everyone was immediately comfortable with it, but I didn't get the negative reactions I expected. Even my brother, a homophobe, is okay with it now. Sometimes his choice of vocabulary could be better, but he really does try. When it comes to coming out, I really do have to say that you will know when the right time is the right time. I know everybody says that, but it's true. It's just the sensation that you get where you're scared, but you just feel like it's the time to do it, and you just go ahead and say it. That said, coming out to yourself is really the hardest part, and I think you should focus on that. You're nervous and scared, and you need to be comfortable in your own skin before you are coming out to people who are harder to tell. Maybe not 100%, but enough where you just feel alright. As far as family goes, I don't know how that is for you, so I don't know what to tell you with them. They might surprise you with how they react. They could be accepting. If you think they might really react badly and you live with them, it might not be a great idea to tell them now. It could be better to hold off until the roof over your head is your own. Regardless, I wouldn't worry about telling them yet. Feel okay with yourself. Love yourself. You are a lovely person, and being a lesbian doesn't change that. Honestly, when you start loving yourself, things really improve. You're going to be okay.
Hi fragileflame, I read your post and I can relate to your anxiety, not so much the sexual orientation. But I know of feeling like you have that big elephant on your and they won't get off, damn thing! Anyway, when it comes to your family, I don't know what to say about that as I haven't experienced that myself as my mum and sister and completely fine with my sexual orientation. But, If I was in your position, you can take or leave this advice, it is completely up to you. I am going to echo or some of what sedgeling had said, if you don't feel that you ready to tell them, that's fine. It's nobodies business, no matter if they are family or not, I respect that you want to tell them, you can tell them when YOU! are ready to. I am not saying to supress it, but you need to feel ready and comfortable before you tell everyone. Like what sedgeling said, you haven't said if you are still in high school or college, if you are still living at home, it's probably the best idea to tell them because of your families beliefs and what they might say or do. I would say, in your position wait until you are fully established and settled, once that you are in college or even if you are still at college and your parents are paying for tuition, build up a circle of support from friends who will be there for you regardless of the situation, if you tell your family while you are in college. Go to a LGBT Groups or Gay, Straight Alliances, they will give more advice on what to do and you can speak people who are or have been in your position. To recap on what I said, it's nobodies business if anyone wants to ask if you are gay or not. When my mum asked me, I said in a moment of panic and it was probably the right thing to say and I will pass this to you "I'm not going to say yes, but I'm not going to say no." You are not giving anything away by saying that, it means that whatever I am going through, I will tell you when I'm ready. I hope this helps and good luck and you'll be fine.
Hi Fragileflame, Thank you for sharing your story, I can definitely relate to where you're coming from, as I'm sure most people on here can as well. I repressed my sexuality for a long time because of religious views of my family. When I first came out I did a similar thing as you and wrote it down in my journal. I remember feeling initially relieved but (just like you) was panicked the next day, as if somehow because it was out in the universe now people would know and out me - I promise you, that is not the case. People will know when you are ready to share that information with them, and honestly as sedgeling mentioned, coming out to yourself is the hardest part. I mean some of us take years to accept who we really are. As silly as it sounds, I actually practiced saying it out loud to get used to the idea. I even went as far as saying it to myself in the mirror! I think the best thing to do is to first come out to someone you know will be supportive, someone very close to you. For me it was my best friend, because I knew she would be a positive part of my process, and it was easier to tell her than my family. Don't ever feel like you have to come out. When you are ready, you will tell people, and it can be a varied timeline for different people in your life. Just remember that the people who love you and care about you the most in this world will accept you for who you are. I spent a few months being out to myself and exploring online communities (such as lesbian YouTubers I could relate to) before I told anyone. Everyone goes at their own pace. The most important part of this entire process is that you love yourself for who you are, and being sure of yourself is what will help give you the strength to come out to others.
