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Addressing gay-related issues with parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Liz81, Mar 21, 2015.

  1. Liz81

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    As I prepare to come out to my parents (and eventually the rest of my family), I know you can't think of every single scenario once you come out because you can't predict how your family will react but there are several things or issues that come to mind that I think are pretty common.

    Prejudice. My family will probably be concerned about me dealing with prejudice. What do I tell them? I know there's a lot of it but not as much as there was like, 20-25 years ago.

    Disability. Not really gay-related but I have a learning and physical disability. What do I say if they tell me I'm feeling that way because of my disabilities? I know it's not but they might feel otherwise. Seems that it's harder for people with disabilities to come out.

    Not getting out of the house enough. They could say that I'm gay because I'm not meeting men. It's true, I don't get out that much and I'm pretty introverted. Actually, I'm not meeting that many women either but doesn't a person know their sexuality before dating or meeting men or women? Do they have to meet men or women or go on a date to know whether they're gay or not?

    Workplace and housing. It's a concern when you can't find a place to live or a job because you may be discriminated against when you're gay. I'm from Virginia so I'll have to do some research on how this state handle gay people looking for a place to live or a job.

    How do I know? Well, I know because I know lol! But so many people come up to a gay person and ask how they know if they haven't had sex yet or been on a date yet. I may not have sex or dating much but I absolutely know. I feel nothing special with a man but I do with a woman.

    That's all I can think of now.
     
  2. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    OK, here's some thoughts:
    Prejudice: well, that's real. but it can't change who you are. but tell them that what it does mean is that you really are depending on their support more than ever because that prejudice exists. and you really need to feel that home is the one safe refuge that you can always count on.
    Disability: well, just like you have learned to function in the world, with your disability, you can learn to function in the world as a gay person with a disability. And the one (and only) way that being gay is like your disability is that it is a part of who you are that can't be changed. In fact, science may find ways to overcome physical and learning disabilities, but it will not change our sexual orientation because that is NOT a disability, it's just a part of who we are, like being right handed or left handed. we're just human beings trying to learn who we are so that we can become everything we are meant to be.
    Getting out of the house: maybe they can help you get to some events, like LGBT meetups, support groups, fun things to do where you can meet people.
    Workplace and housing: yeah, research that. usually there are laws against discrimination in both jobs and housing. It doesn't always come up in the hiring process or the signing of the rental contract. and more and more, people just want to get their place rented out, or hire the most qualified person. can anyone guarantee that you won't be discriminated against in the work place? absolutely not! But that can't change who you are. If that happens, you deal with it. If someone is discriminated against for disability, they deal with that too. and that's just some more reasons that you are counting on their love and support.
    And yeah, we know. that's all there is to it. good luck! (&&&)
     
  3. Liz81

    Regular Member

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    Ok, I actually know all of that. What I meant is I think of those and I wonder how I'm going to respond if my parents bring up those issues. Yes, I know that people can help me get to places like events, meetings and so forth. As I said before, they could say I'm gay because I'm not meeting enough men but I may not be meeting enough women either but I still know how I feel. How would I respond to that? I was asking how I would respond if they brought the issues I brought up.

    My parents could say I'm just not meeting enough men and I need to get out more. How would I respond to that?

    They could say that I'm gay because of my disabilities. We know that's not true but they could say that. I'd like to figure out how to respond to that.

    They could say it's going to be hard to find a place to live or work with people who don't accept gay people. Like I said, I already know some stuff like that and I need to research more.

    As far as prejudice goes, I guess I can always depend on home if my parents aren't homophobic or anything like that and I know that there's many supportive places like PFLAG. I know how to deal with prejudice but my parents would tell me that I need to be aware of the prejudice and how to deal with that and to be careful. I'd have to research more on how to deal with that too.

    I'm just preparing myself in case my parents are denying that I'm gay or questioning that I really am. It's possible they'll be ok with it all but you can't always know for sure.
     
  4. sedgeling

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    Prejudice: Communicate that you appreciate their concern about your well-being, but the intolerance of other people shouldn't be a reason for you to not do what makes you happy in your life. You're going to be gay whether or not people like it. Tell them that you would like their support if you have any experiences with that, but ultimately it's not a reason to live a lie, especially with gay people getting more and more accepted. Plus, if you live in a liberal area, you might bring that up.

    Disability:Express to them how the concept that your learning or physical disabilities being connected to your sexual orientation is kind of a stretch in logic. How would being gay somehow be a coping mechanism for your disabilities? Otherwise, how would having disabilities "make you gay"?

    Not getting out of the house enough: Tell them that they probably knew who they liked, even when they weren't getting out of the house that often. After all, you don't need to date somebody to know. Some people like to experiment to confirm their feelings, but it's not at all a requirement for knowing.

    How do I know?: Explain how you know, about how you feel attraction to women, but not to men. And then, turn it on them, and ask them how they knew who they were attracted to.
     
  5. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    I understand where you're coming from. and it sounds like that while they could say a lot of things, you've figured out that it's a conversation that you just need to start, as soon as your ready. You're doing a great job of bracing yourself for all that they might ask, so good luck with starting the conversation now!