Hi everyone, Bit of background, I'm a 19 year old gay male who lives in a small village (definitely not the best place to grow up being gay). Up until a few weeks ago I was with a guy for a year. I feel like he really held me back with coming out because he wasn't ready himself. Whenever I'd mention it he would lead me with his responses such as "but you aren't ready yet, are you?" or, "I don't think I could handle that yet". So I ended up remaining quiet. A couple of weeks ago I decided to come out to one of my friends. This was pretty easy, I already know that she has other gay friends so I wasn't too worried. She took it well and says that she feels like she knows me a lot better now. Afterwards, I felt sort of exposed? I'm not sure why. Probably because I've had this secret for so long and now that it's not a secret I guess in a way I'm a different person.. I don't have to keep things to myself anymore, it feels strange. So anyway, I went out at the weekend with one of my gay friends and stayed over at his house. When I got home in the morning, I got the usual questions from my parents "where did you go? Who were you with?" etc. which I always lie to and say a friends name that they've heard of to avoid explaining about any gay friends / guys I've been seeing. Then later on my mum took me to the opticians and on the way she was still talking about the night before, and I couldn't keep it in anymore. I just said "mum, I didn't go out with Beth I was out with one of my gay friends. I know that you already know about me." and her reply was "what, that you're gay? That's alright".. then we had a big chat about it and she asked a lot of questions but yeah she was fine as I expected her to be. Today I got home from work, and she came to see me and asked me if I'd tell my Dad about me being gay, because I've put her in a position where she's now lying for me and covering for me and she says she doesn't like it. I said to her that it isn't something for her to decide when I tell him, and that she shouldn't be pressuring me. She asked me if I'd have a think about it through the week. The things that my Dad says about gay people are disgusting. He brought me up to believe that being gay is wrong, so obviously that made it more difficult when I realised that I am gay. I really believe that if I tell my dad, we will argue and possibly fight. I think he will say things that are offensive and to be honest it isn't something I would like to do in person. I'm thinking about going to stay at a friends on Friday night and telling my mum that she is allowed to tell him, then that will give him the evening and morning to calm down (if he gets angry). But then on the other hand, I don't feel ready to tell him yet and it's all happening so fast, I decided to tell my friend and my mum, I didn't want to tell anyone else yet so why should other people decide when I tell people? I don't know what to do and I'm starting to get worried. I can't deal with the stress that I think will come from my dad finding out. My plan was to wait until I'd moved out so that I wouldn't have to deal with his attitude towards me. Any advice? I don't really think this is a post which can be given a specific answer.. I guess I just felt like getting it all off of my chest, but your comments on this are more than welcome. (I feel like I can breathe just by writing this all down)
Consider coming out to him in a letter, which you give your mom to give to him while you are away from the house. Clearly she wants to tell him, so if you give her the letter, he can blow some steam off at her instead of you, and have some time to get used to the idea before you two meet again in person. It will also give her some time to work on him and remind him that he is your father and it is his responsibility to behave reasonably towards you as such. If you feel that your safety is at risk, then tell her you are not coming home until she can assure you that he will not harm you. One way or the other, he is going to find out from you or her, so it is better for you to tell him your story in your own words, since the cat was already out of the bag once you told your mom.
