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Pretending to be none to hide how much I am.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Throwaway Duck, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. Throwaway Duck

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2014
    Messages:
    21
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I guess this is a life story post, which means that I've lost.

    I am seventeen years old and I've known since I was young, ten? Eleven?. Only four people know, and the fact that even they know hurts a lot.

    I spent a good four years of life in denial, and I spent six months in anger, which was when I was forced out of the closet by my parents and some other peers because all that rage that was building up was killing me. For the last few months, its been depression. I mean, it's always been depression. It was since day one of five years ago, and this time, will probably kill me. I was in and out of therapy because my parents forced me out of the closet, and everyone I saw was the worst. They are the people I will see in hell when I burn. The people who tell me that my depression was caused by a lack of exercise and a poor diet. And the part that hurts the most is that they never cared enough to learn my name. So, the last four months, I've just been cramming my life full of activities so I never have time to actually think about this.

    How do I cope with this terrible burden? I don't. I tell people I'm asexual, and most people either believe that means I'm straight or it means to not talk to me at all about sex, because I am extremely uncomfortable with the whole subject of it. Like, I don't understand how it can be a thing of average conversation like people on this site make it out to be? It all fits together, sex and love and romance. Whenever anything of the sort begins to fester, I push it away, bury it and tell myself it isn't real. Some days it works, but some days, it doesn't and those are the worst.

    I understand that the only real, "solution" is to come clean with myself and admit, submit to the awful. Some people like to claim that all it takes is to love myself and ignore that, to see it as a flaw that I can regard as something decent later. But none of that works when so much of who I am is hidden away by my own walls I don't have the strength to break. Truth is, I'd rather die then live my life open, or at least I tell myself that. It might actually take time, dare I say it, to actually accept this.

    But I have no more time, because this is a burning building and I am on the top floor. The flames are licking my feet and it's either to jump from the flames or let the fire consume me, because there isn't any rescue coming and I can't wait to see if there may be.

    Everyone I've come out to before, it was all forced. I never came out willingly, and the one time I tried, they forced me out when I tried to back away and now we never talk about it because they don't understand it. Our friendship is strong, but because we pushed it away. Just like with my parents. And everyone else.

    I need to stop making posts. I've made over thirty posts on this site, and over fifty on other sites. (No exaggeration, I've been doing this since last April. The anonymous section on this site is the most and least help I've gotten). I mean, it's obvious they don't work, so why do I come back? Maybe I'm just so desperate, that I want attention. That's probably it.
     
  2. S0apB0x

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2015
    Messages:
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    Location:
    I bounce around
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    There isn't much i can say to take away the pain. I can't get inside your head or understand fully what you're going through, but i will try and extend my hand to you. No one deserves to feel as lost and in pain as you are. But death isn't the answer. You say that you were forced out. No one can technically force you to do anything, in the end, you gave in because you needed people to know and you felt pressured to. I know the responses you received weren't of the best in nature. But there are people out there who can accept you for who you are. Whether you like men, women, or chose to keep it to yourself. Our experiences mould us. You are scrambling for just that one person to feel the same as you do. Yes in the end you have to learn to love yourself, but if you can't find that spark and support form those around you, it can sometimes be beyond discouraging. I want to help you. Be there for you in your time of need. I Love You for WHO YOU ARE, no matter what that YOU is. <3