Hey everyone... nice to meet you all. I need some advice. I'm gay, and I have been trying to accept it for 8 years. I struggle with denial and I'm constantly fearful and worrying about my sexuality. There have been a few times in those 8 years that I felt I transcended that fear and accepted who I am. Unfortunately those feelings didn't last more than a few days, before I crawled back into my shell and became depressed, morose, avoidant. For a few months I have been attending a weekly group therapy class. I spoke to my councillor privately about me coming out, and she has been very encouraging and supportive. I'm currently off work for one month, a short mental health break. I struggle with severe disassociation, and find it an incredible challenge to think about topics that make me uncomfortable. And this is the biggest topic of them all. This week (the start of week 3 off) I came to a few realizations that I'd like to share with you. On a mostly unconscious, unaware level of thought process... I developed a coping strategy to avoid learning\understanding because I learned something that terrified me. I learned that "I'm gay" So, equipped with this great realization and feeling really good about it, I told my support group, less than 24 hours ago. I was so well received, and I connected with some of the group members more strongly than I ever have before. It was wonderful. I felt euphoric, that all the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders, I felt like I instantly overcame depression and anxiety problems, and that even though I still had a lot of learning to do about myself, that I was going to be okay. I slept better than I ever have last night. I woke up in the middle of the night with a curiosity for life I haven't felt since I was a kid. I woke up before my alarm! (For a depressed person who uses sleep as an avoidance strategy, this was HUGE for me). The first half of my day was amazing. And then, slowly, like black evil molasses, all the fear, worry, denial and negative thinking slowly crept back in to me. I'm so tired of flip flopping on this. I just want to be out. Why do I crawl back inside myself? Why do I deny something that 24 hours ago I felt with my ENTIRE BEING to be true and real and wonderful? This fear, this non-acceptance is all I can focus on. I know it's wrong and I feel it inside me, and I don't know what to do to get rid of it, and to accept who I am once and for all. Please help me. TL\DR: I keep flip flopping about being gay
First off, Welcome to EC. You're not alone in your struggles Honey. I myself struggle with a similar thing. I am trans, and haven't come out to anyone, solely because i am afraid of it. My entire being doesn't want to believe it, and yet, i don't want to stay stuck in the lie/shell that i keep hiding in. So fairly soon i plan on breaking the news to my family. But during this time, The best thing i found to help me cope with myself was therapy. You staying in that support group and talking to a therapist is the best thing for you. Those that support you can be your greatest lifeline. So of course, the next thing i am going to suggest is, if you have come out to your folks, maybe talking to your folks about it? See, since they know you best, how to be more accepting of yourself. I feel you have that self loathing and keep crawling back into yourself because you desperately just want to be "normal". Now let me be entirely frank here. NOBODY is NORMAL. We have been raised in an environment where there is a stigma against anything different. That just because we are born into one sex, we have to live, love and behave a certain way. But this "certain way" is not defined in stone. The heart has no bounds and should not be confined to a box and a label. I can't exactly get into your head and rewire it so you could be more accepting of yourself. Nor can i fix our society. But gaining confidence comes from self discovery and self love. I know those statements are easier said than done. But coming here can be an immense help. Every little bit of support you can gain, is a step in the right direction. Just Try and hold your head up and take it each step at a time. We all support and love you here. PS~ Just on a side note. Working out and eating healthy can help improve your body image. Those endorphins may help with your depression if you aren't up for taking any sort of medication. And these glorious little self made goodies may help your panic attacks. Please feel free to contact me any time. And if i think of anything more i will respond again. This was all i could think of in a quick 5 minutes before my next class. <3
I am not out of the closet yet but definitely doing much better.. just remember life is a marathon and not a sprint.. just accept the things as they are right now.. dont listen to things or try to rationalize things in your mind.. this goes deeper than mind and acceptance will come in due time .. all you have to do is enjoy the journey just one day at a time...
Welcome to Empty Closets. It's really good that you found us and I hope you will continue to find it helpful to share some of your thoughts and feelings with us. After an eight year struggle, you need some support and encouragement. The most difficult person to come out to is yourself - there is absolutely no doubt about that and it can be a very long and bumpy journey. Some people complete the journey quickly and hardly pause for breath, while others take much longer and need to stop and pause often. Either way, it's a journey that is best shared and I hope you will stay with us and let us share the rest of your journey. Denial, fear and worry are normal (yes, normal) stages on the road to self acceptance. I know it doesn't feel very normal to have all of that mess going round and round in your mind every single day and I can fully understand why it's affected your mental well-being. Confronting the feelings is like doing the loop, so it can seem much easier to just ignore everything and hope it goes away, even though it doesn't. Is that how it's been for you? Like you, I struggled with these feelings for a long time and it fuelled my own struggles with depression. Being in the closet comes at a cost. Have you checked out the EC resources for more info? Empty Closets - Coming Out The good news came in this quote, from your original posting: "I'm gay". Not only did you accept it and admit it to yourself, but you went a step further and revealed it to your support group. Yes, it was scary, terrifying even, but you felt the fear and did it anyway. Do you know how significant that is? I know, I know... it doesn't feel like it now as you have reverted back to where you were, but remember, this is a process. Telling yourself and telling your support group was like setting the base layer on an undecorated coming out cake, but there is a continuing process to go through now to add layers and decoration to your lovely cake. It's easy to soak up the morose feelings and return to a place of avoidance, but focus (really focus) on how it felt to come out, and acknowledge that the world didn't cave in when you said it. On the contrary in fact. Focus on how it helped you connect with other group members and how it felt to be authentic and true to yourself. Doing it again, and more often will add the layers and give you these feelings with greater permanance. It's easy to assume that life would be better if we were not gay, but that's just not so. There is nothing wrong with being gay and it can't be cured or changed and it's not (in itself) a mental illness. That's a fact. Dig deep and dig in and let us share your journey with you.
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. Your words and advice had a calming effect. Truth. I feel like every fiber of my being is struggling against this acceptance, yet I am filled with a desire to figure this out and be out. That is actually the origin of my username, Dichotomy, Duality. I too struggled, and still sometimes struggle, with that desire to be "normal". I romanticized women and relationships with women, and it's all I have known my entire life (I'm 30). It's easy to feel sorry for myself, and to think just how easy it would be to date the opposite sex. Straight people have it easy I really wish you the best of luck with your coming out, S0apb0x. As someone who has just done it for the first time, I can tell you it felt great. So you keep your head up too, my new friend. Thanks, User199.. very wise words. I am reading a book called Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, and am just discovering that there is a difference between thoughts and self. I believe I am identifying with my mind and my worries, thinking "This is me". But I'm learning to observe the thoughts from a position outside of mind. Terrifying and really brain twisting. I am not certain that my avoidance comes from that loop, but I deinately was in a period of ignoring it for over a year. Prior to this last year, I was talking about my sexuality with key friends, exploring things, even went on two dates. Actually, I think I Just realized why I crawled back into myself. My last date, with an older, confident and successful man, was a really good time. I opened up about my fears, I felt really good about things. But at the end of the night, he asked to kiss me. I wasn't ready for that, but I thought putting myself in the deep end would help me get over my fear. Instead it just made me panic and freak out. I think that was the begining of some more denial. I have now. I found it comforting and calming to read that so much of my experience is very common for people who are coming out. I woke up feeling awful. I just wanted to sleep all day and avoid this, so when I woke up I read through that and everyone's posts and it was very effective at chilling me out. I very much enjoyed your cake analogy. It felt great. The universe did not collapse in on itself and I felt excellent. reviewing and writing this is very helpfful. Do you get many people posting for the first time on the forum and then disapearing completely? I was tempted to not look back after I posted. Thanks again for replying everyone, it's very helpful. I'm going to a Board Game night with friends tonight. I may work up the courage to come out to them too. maybe :dry:
