It all started with a dream, in which I was marrying a woman. I woke up and thought, "whoah, what am I repressing here?" Since then I have been reflecting, researching and very confused. I recently moved far away from my family and friends and have been trying to get in touch with/heal old wounds in this fresh, uninfluenced environment. My new mantra is to be harshly open with myself and see where it leads me. Well I can say for certain that it is leading me places that I never could have imagined. Although I have been taking great big strides in this awaking process, I have waves of depression, self loathing, and loneliness. I need a support system. I don't know how to set one up for myself in my current state. If I don't want to be around myself, why would anyone else? My stance on LGBTQ has always been love is love no matter what. Love shouldn't have restrictions. I just never made the connection that there is a possibility that I was restricting myself to whom I could love. Until now. Most of my family is extremely religious and homophobic. I feel like their beliefs have rubbed off onto me and had a helping hand in my repressed sexuality. I am currently trying to get over the shame aspect of coming out. I don't feel like I can get support from my family and I don't have close friends here. So I have consciously had a crush on one particular girl in the past. She was openly bi and it intrigued me. Looking back I have always had a tendency to connect with gays and lesbians - in the media or in person. But in person I am always cautious around them. The night we met she picked up on my gayness, which I wasn't even aware of. We had made plans for threesomes but those fell through, several times. This now makes me think, am I scared to be with a woman who I consciously am attracted to, physically and mentally? It was intimidating I know this for sure. But what exactly was I intimidated by? The thought of being with a woman who I knew I had feelings for? Or the excitement and challenge of a threesome... I suppose I should mention that I am still attracted to men physically. I have had plenty of boyfriends in my life. I don't think that I have ever been able to truly connect on a deep level with a man though. I can connect with woman but in the past I have only consciously thought of this connection as friendships. Now that I have been more open and accepting to myself about being attracted to woman I have been noticing gay woman EVERYWHERE! Or who I hope are gay haha! I've formed a crush on a girl in my college. I openly recognize to myself when female strangers are hot. It's liberating but frightening. It does feel like a second adolescence as everything is unknown. I am still very much so questioning my place on the sexuality spectrum. I am concerned that I may be focusing too much on the fact that I find woman attractive and am becoming obsessive about figuring this out. I am pushing myself to understand myself, in more ways than just sexuality... And I don't want to "trick" myself into thinking that I am a lesbian. I am not sure what my next step is. I am still unsure of a lot... Maybe if I have sex/get intimate with a woman it could help confirm to myself that I could be a lesbian. I don't want to fake being hetero or homo. I want to be genuine to myself. I am not sure what to do next... Advice is welcomed.
Wow it sounds like you have been able to havea ton of self-reflection. Let me just say, I think you are the kind of person who can "talk yourself" through things by writing them down. So let me suggest you start keeping a journal. Even if you write one sentence a day, once a week, or even once a month, just to get it all out. I know what you mean, you seem to be very analytical, like I am, and therefore it leads to you think, am I analyzing myself so much that I am making this stuff up! Hahaha. Let me just say, I can drive myself crazy doing this, and it sounds like you can too. That is why I suggest you stop thinking and let it flow naturally and keeping a journal will help you do this, as well as reading through some of the posts on here and commenting on them. A lot of people will post things on here about "how do I know" which I personally think that you would be able to relate too and I think could help you through this journey. I think that getting intimate with a woman will help answer some questions, but don't be on the hunt for it, if you know what I mean. Try going to a LGBT bar. It's not like you have to have some ID saying that your are officially out to go there so you can figure it out for yourself while your there. So in conclusion, stop analyzing so much! Let it flow naturally and accept whatever comes with your journey and be proud of yourself for taking the time to learn more and more each day.
Yup you have pinned me correctly. I have recently started journalling a lot more than in the past. It is helping me process feelings in great strides. I guess it is a form of therapy. I fee like I need some insight though. Hopefully finding EC will help. I feel no shame internally about being attracted to woman. But I would feel very self conscious going to a gay bar. I tend to push myself though. Maybe I will make it a goal to do it within a month. Thanks for your advice
