I'm sorry. I need to rant... I'm in such a dilemma. I'm probably going to be jumping back and forth. As of now, I'm holding on to my life because of my boyfriend. I would honestly rather choose death if I couldn't be with him. I don't want to give it away - not after I've come so far. I came out to my parents about two weeks ago. Lately we've been having arguments; they think I'm in a phase and I've been blinded by getting support by others. I'm gay, I know I am. They can't accept that fact, and they keep denying it. My dad is pressuring me into becoming 'straight' again. He wants me to cut off ALL ties of my friends - and is considering to transfer out of my school and go to a new one. He says it's a necessary step in order for me to become 'straight' again. He's saying I'm rebelling his ways and I can change - he says that it's such a little thing to ask of me, but I refuse. And I do - it's not as easy as he thinks it is. His last resort is to completely isolate me - I would change schools, he would take away my phone and internet, and my 'freedom'. I don't care the fact that I'm 15 - they say I'm too young to be thinking of this stuff. I have HORMONES, and by now, you would think that someone's sexuality is determined. Every time my parents and I argue, I always get suicidal thoughts. I know it's not worth it, but I don't understand WHY I would even consider it. I made a promise to my boyfriend - I told him that I would never let go. I'd be giving it away. He is my life - he is like my significant other. He returns the love, he makes me happy and I can trust him with my life. My parents have no support for me in this relationship. They're saying that I'm hurting myself without even knowing, and in the result, I'm hurting them. This family rejection is really bothering me. They say that they just want the best for me and they love me, but I believe I should have SOME control over that. I'd rather come out now then ruin some girl's wedding day, and possibly her life. I wish they'd understand. I know that I may be selfish right now, but it's the honest truth. I know how hard it is for a parent's future plan of me be wiped away, but they need to understand; I am what I am. I can't change who I am. They don't understand that. My dad is too biased. He looks down upon gay people. I almost regret coming out to them. He keeps telling me that it's not natural, and his 'belief' of god isn't helping the situation at all. He said that I'm offending him, and he even "apologized" for me. I don't believe in any godlike greater being. That's what complicates the situation even more; religion and certain beliefs should be kept OUT of a situation like this. What really bothers me that my mom and dad are blaming THEMSELVES for me being the way that I am now. They say that a gay child is the result of an irresponsible parent. That is completely false - I honestly think they're going crazy. I want my parents to talk with other parents who have gay children, but my dad is completely stubborn and he won't take their word. He talked to my boyfriend's dad, and he said he never wants to talk to them again. The first thing my dad said to his dad was "So, it seems like [my name] and [my boyfriend's name] are starting to get feelings for each other". My boyfriend's dad replied with "They fit together. I don't care". My dad took it the complete wrong way - and he says that he doesn't care about his son at all. He's too blinded about what a parent is... I need your opinions; what should I do? I honestly don't think that breaking my ties with my boyfriend won't do anything. I'll still be gay.
Don't break ties with your boyfriend. He's helping you get through this, and he seems to be the best person in your life right now. So as far as coming out to your parents, it didn't go so well. They think that since your gay, you'll never have a good future (i.e, the one they want you to have) Try to explain that you can still have a good future, it just won't be the one they envisioned. If they try to tell you that it's just a phase, a good answer would be "You know what, mabye so. But right now this is where I'm at. As my parents you should be accepting me and helping me, not rejecting me and making this even harder on me." If they do think it's just a phase, then that's allright for now. As long as they understand that you are indeed who you are at this moment in time. They still love you, they're just confused. They may be stubborn about this, but give time they should get over the "Change back" phase. It's not their fault, it's just who you are. The people around you aren't changing the way your body and phyche work. Suicide is NEVER the answer. I know it's hard to fight with your family, but coming out is a hard time for everyone. You're absoultely right when you say that killing yourself would be throwing away everything you've worked for, and how far you've come. You have people you can turn to. Your boyfriend & his family are there for you as well. We're here for you too. :love:
It's a really awkward situation and unfortunately there is no simple fix. In your position, given your age, my approach would probably be to pacify my parents, by just accepting what they say but not really acting out on it. It seems like a massive backlash reaction from them because its been a short amount of time since you explained your feelings to them. I hate to use the old adage but give it time, they will need some time to come to terms with your feelings, just like i'm sure it took you some time to come to terms with them. I see no need for your relationship with your boyfriend to suffer, eventually they may start adapting, but if not you'll just have to wait until you are old enough to be able to maybe move out and attain some freedom Bottom line, try and be the least confrontational with them as you can, let the idea soak in, because it will without it needing to be brought up everyday by screaming rows, unfortunately you need to be the mature adult here, and then be able to confide in your friends/boyfried remember, nothing is worth questioning your right to life over, you're clearly a smart, sensitive boy that anyone should be honored to have as a friend :icon_bigg hope everything works out x
Your parents sound really uneducated, you could try educating them, just make sure you don't come off like a smartass natural–adjective 1. existing in or formed by nature homosexuality is actually pretty natural by definition. It exists in nearly all species, and is commonly noted in the most intelligent species like humans, dolphins, chimps, bonobos. (see documentary "out in nature") You could try getting a copy of "For the Bible Tells Me So" Yes it is in support of homosexuality, but explain to your parents that one of the families in the movie still believe it's a sin, but they have learned to live with it and have a great relationship with their daughter despite her being gay. There's also videos on youtube of the damage that this belief in the ex-gay movement costs. It takes a toll on everyone and wives and families get torn apart because of the lie gay men are being told that they can 'turn straight'. [YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bm9hLVjpZno[/YOUTUBE] Tell them if they think your mental health and the devastation it would cause any woman you play straight for is worth it for them to hold their heads up high at the yearly ignorant tight-ass country club church picnic, or whoever they're trying to impress, and gloat about how great and ideal their lives are, then they need to sort their priorities. (I'm only kidding, DO NOT SAY THAT) I would avoid mentioning how pro-gay these things are else it might appear like propaganda to your parents. Just show the parts where they lay out the facts. I dunno what else you could say, besides completely giving in and saying you will try and be straight for them (Lying of course so you don't completely isolate you for your entire youth). Or say you'll stay celibate and won't do anything gay until you move out of their house? Edit: and I'm really sorry you have to go through this, it's such a bad situation to be put in at your age being threatened with isolation and everything. What made you decide to tell them anyway? Did you think they'd be ok with it?
Welcome to EC! First thing to do is to get inside your father's brain for a bit. It might not be pleasant, but it's important. 1. You've had (probably) at least a few years to get used to the fact that you're gay. Your father has had a couple of weeks. In addition, he only knows about it secondhand - from what you've told him. Chances are, to him, you announcing "I'm gay" is like you saying "I'm gonna be an actor when I grow up". Something quick and uninformed that kids/teenagers can say rather impetuously. (Think of your fellow students who say "I'm swearing off guys/girls forever" immediately after breaking up.) 2. You're growing up in a different world from your father. One where gay relationships among those under 21 aren't that uncommon. One where you can get educated on this (and any other) subject just by futzing around on a computer. And one where, even should you eventually decide you're not gay - I'm not saying this will happen, mind you, but it's important to what follows - the "experimenting" you've done with the same sex won't be considered some sort of shameful secret later in life. All this is totally different from homosexuality of his day (or perhaps a bit before - it's not clear how "out of date" he is). Where homosexuality meant furtive looks and anonymous hook-ups at "that park", which were never ever mentioned to anybody. Where homosexuality was considered a psychological abberation that could and should be treated, so people could live "normal" lives again. 3. If your father is as religious as you say, then he's going to have a real tough time "just letting it go". What you're doing is, in his eyes, sinful and wrong, and although you can logically say "who am I harming", he cannot. He thinks you're spiraling down a path towards a horrible life and an even worse afterlife, and he's naturally going to do what he can to prevent that. Keep these three things in mind. They're going to be important any time you have to discuss your sexuality with him. One point I'd bring up is your boyfriend. Your boyfriend, and your relationship with him, follow directly from your sexuality, but they are by no means the same thing. Had you not met your boyfriend, you'd still be gay. But you appear to be dealing with these two issues concurrently. And that's dangerous. Mainly because, as you've seen, it puts an idea in your father's head. My son's not gay. He's just met this other kid, and that kid put the idea in his head. If I can just split them up, and give my son time to get over it, he'll realize he's not actually gay. And, it would seem, that's the road he seems intent on following. So keep that in mind, too. Try to keep your arguments about your sexuality separate and distinct from those about your relationship with your boyfriend. Otherwise, it'll simply reinforce the notion that "this kid made my son think he's gay". And as long as that notion is front and center, he'll keep thinking that the best way to "cure" you is separate you from your boyfriend. That said, what CAN you do? You might try an informative session with your parents. This will be tough. It'll involve YOU being the mature, level-headed one, and since you're fifteen, and facing the prospect of your parents trying to block you from seeing your boyfriend again, it's gonna be tough to keep your head on straight. But it might prove valuable. Ask your parents what they think about gay people. Ask them to finish this sentence "Gay men are...", and have them write down as many as they can. Then, one by one, pick them apart. Don't just say "That's not right" - go online and get some data, and explain why each of their fallacies are incorrect. Ask them if they'd be willing to talk to other people. To parents of gay kids like Becky, or to guys who have grown up gay like me. Don't immediately tell them about EC - just see if they'd be interested in talking with one of us. I certainly wouldn't mind. I'm 38, been out for two decades, and have religious parents...but ones that have always been open-minded and tolerant. (They love my partner as much as I do, and make him part of the family.) If he'd be willing to talk to me via IM or something, I'd be more than happy to do that. Lex
First off, I'd like to thank all the support I've received so far. It means alot to me. I honestly thought they would be okay with it - they always say that they would love me unconditionally... but, I beg to differ. I didn't plan telling them until a bit later, but my mom walked into my brother and I discussing the topic. He said some things that really offended me, so I was in tears because it was like I was betrayed by my brother - (He doesn't accept me either... yet. He still needs time. He doesn't approve, he'll let it happen regardless). My mom asked what happened, and she got into the situation. When I first told her, she said it doesn't matter... which prompted me that she was okay with it. However, I was wrong. She then told my dad, and we had a talk, and that's all where it all began. The first talk overall had no arguments, or anything. However, the next few, I started to defend gay people and we argued. Not a pretty sight; I've never argued with my parents before, EVER. I'm not sure if they would... my parents are giving me no chance whatsoever. Thanks for your advice though, I'll see if they would. My dad is taking the age difference to his advantage (I'm 15 and he's 18)... he says that if he sees my boyfriend go farther then holding hands.. he'll get him prosecuted. I really don't think it's fair how it seems like he's abusing his power as a parent. I know that it'll take a while for it to sink in, but the problem with my parents is that they're not even giving it a chance and considering the fact that I actually am.
OK lex is right, they have not had much time. and I myself do not think you should break this with your BF. In time you dad will learn to cope. most parents do. your goin through a bad spot and i went through the same thing with my mom. jus dont let it end, and everything will be ok
>>>My dad is taking the age difference to his advantage (I'm 15 and he's 18)... he says that if he sees my boyfriend go farther then holding hands.. he'll get him prosecuted. I really don't think it's fair how it seems like he's abusing his power as a parent. I don't know what the laws are like up your way, but in most states here in the US, you and your boyfriend would be on opposite sides of the age-of-consent laws. In short, you CAN get in trouble for doing certain things beyond the holding-hands stage. So double-check the laws in your area, and make a pact not to do anything that might get your boyfriend in trouble. I know you might think "it's nobody's business", but it's better to wait than the put your boyfriend in potential trouble. With your father, about the best you can hope for is some sort of compromise or middle ground. He is not going to accept your sexuality and/or your relationship, at least for a while. But note that he sort of left an opening. It may have been accidental, but it's there nonetheless. According to you, he said, Qif he sees my boyfriend go farther then holding hands...he'll get him prosecuted." Yeah, that's a threat. But what if he doesn't go farther than holding hands? Then...well, I wouldn't go so far as to say he'll be cool with that, but if you promise to keep it at the hand-holding stage, perhaps he'll let you keep seeing him? Could that be something you might offer him? And possibly go one step further - let him know that, since you know he's kind of weirded out by it all right now, you won't even hold hands in his (your father's) presence. This will show that you're taking his feelings into consideration, and might nudge him to act more adult about everything as well. Yes, ideally, your dad would let you do as you see fit. But as you well know, that doesn't appear to be in the cards. And as your parent, your father still has a fair chunk of say over how you live your life. So the best thing you can hope for now is some sort of less-than-ideal compromise. If you could (at least temporarily) agree to stay at the hand-holding stage, and agree to refrain from that in your father's presence, I think he'd be more likely to allow you to keep seeing him. And that, I think, is really what you're aiming for. Lex
PFLAG has some great materials for parents. I think you can download them from their website. You may want to give copies to both of your parents.
I'm sorry I've been dead for a while. A lot has happened... Last week, my dad finally 'gave in'. So I thought. He said that if this is the way that I really am, then he would support me, although he disagrees. Yet... one week later, we had another TALK. He keeps trying to understand why I'm like this. He will never understand, especially with the generation he was raised in. He lied to me. He pretended our conversation from last weekend never existed and he was like 'Oh I will never support you if you go this route. Things have improved; we haven't argued.. but. I think I may need to again in order to get a point across. I hate how my dad is over-thinking everything. He's like 'Why are you trying so hard to prove a point? Why don't you not go the opposite route of same sex relationships and go to the opposite, where everyone is happy? It's so little to ask'. I also had a chat with my sister. She hasn't taken sides between this whole issue, and I don't know if she accepts me as gay or not. She wants me to give girls a chance before I finally make this decision.. but I personally don't think it's necessary. I've already thought this through; I was in denial before, and I finally accept myself now. I don't think it's fair that I have to 'give girls a chance' because I don't see her doing the same for herself; trying a same gender relationship. My dad signed me up for this ... youth group thing where I have an older 'brother' that I can talk to about some things. My dad wanted me to use this so I can learn more about how to focus on school, and if I needed to talk to someone, they would always be there for me. Of course, this person is going to be communicating with my father, so I plan to take advantage of the situation and maybe talk about this whole situation, and hopefully he can help me educate my dad. I really plan on finding some resources to educate my parents about homosexuality. They think it's so simple and that I refuse to cooperate with what they ask. What do you guys think? (And thanks for all the support so far.)
>>>'Why are you trying so hard to prove a point? Why don't you not go the opposite route of same sex relationships and go to the opposite, where everyone is happy? It's so little to ask'. "I have no point to make, other than 'I'm gay'. That's the complete and utter point. And attempting to be straight, attempting to date girls, when I have no interest in them, is not 'little to ask', anymore than asking you to try dating guys would be 'so little to ask'. It runs totally counter to the way I am. As far as believing that straight people are always happy, and gay couples are always miserable...come on. If straight couples were always so happy, why is there divorce court and couples therapy and agony columns? And there are many many gay people who live wonderful, productive, happy lives." Your sister? She just may need some time. She at least seems willing to not be hostile or argumentative, and that's a plus. So don't push. Thank her for listening. Lex
