I went to lunch today with my parents at my sister's and brother in law's deli/bakery. After we ate, we just sat at the table talking. My mom then goes to me are there any nice single woman at your work. I did not know what to say. I felt so awkward. I felt like saying 'I'm gay" or 'I'm looking for a nice guy' but all I said was no. Then she said oh you may meet a nice woman while visiting a client. My stomach just sank. I had to go to the restroom just to compose myself. As we were leaving to go back to my parents, my dad told my mom to go with me to spend some time with me. In a way I wanted some time alone just to rethink everything. So my mom is with me for the 30 minute drive. In one way I was very tempted to come out then and there, but I could not. I came to a point where I decided that I would tell my parents after the holidays and I was fine with it. Before this happened, a little background that also is adding to my frustration. This past week my friend's mom past away and I realized how short life is ( I knew it already but it hit home) and I realized that I am ready to come out. My mom went to the wake and one of my friend's brother told my mom that my friend's mom had a special place in her heart for me. Then my mom said she was so proud of me and I grew up to be such a good guy. Since she said that, I have felt a little guilty and bad because even though I'm 40 I do not want to hurt her. Now I do not know what to think. Driving home I was so upset I was in tears. In some ways I just want to tell them, in the other I feel like telling them now I'm gay and get it over with and in some ways I don't want to tell them at all to avoid their disappointment. :help:
I can understand your predicament. But consider this - you may be causing your mother pain by continuing to give her false hope. That it's only a matter of time before you meet the perfect girl. Perhaps it's time to let her know that that isn't in the cards. Not that you can't meet someone, settle down, and perhaps have some kids. But it won't be with a woman. I do think perhaps it's time to tell them. But you're going to need a specific time. "After the holidays" is a bit too vague, since 2013 is technically "after the holidays". If you really and truly believe that telling them will cause some major major strife, then there's no harm in waiting until after the holiday season. But if it's mainly a fear that they MAY freak out, then perhaps there's no reason to wait this long. Because I do read something differently into some of your parents' statements. Chances are good they might at least suspect a bit. Forty-year-old single guys who don't appear to have much interest in dating women tend to be a bit a bit suspect. Their questions about "nice single girls", and their comments that they're proud of you, might simply be their way of goading you on. To let them know that they're ready to hear it from you. That's by no means certain, but I think it IS possible. You might try writing them a note. You don't even have to hand it to them yet - just write it as an exercise. How would you come out to them via letter? What would you say? What would you not say? What points do you think are most important to get across? Lex
Hello! :smilewave I know how you feel. My parents know about me being gay, but my grandparents do not. I'm 29 years old, and everytime I'm around my grandparents they are always asking me when I'm going to get married. I purposely avoid them at times because I hate when they ask me why I don't have a girlfriend or they ask me when I'm getting married. About a month ago, I went to dinner with my parents and grandparents. I received a telephone call from a guy that I had been talking to for a while, so I excused myself from the table and briefly stepped outside. I told my friend that I was eating dinner with my family and that I would have to call him back later. When I returned to the table, my grandparents started up again. They wanted to know who "she" was and why I wouldn't bring "her" around. I had to lie to them and tell them that it was my boss wanting to know about a case at work. I totally understand how you feel about not wanting to hurt your parents, I feel the same way about my grandparents. I want to tell them, but they are old and their health isn't the greatest. I want to keep them around as long as possible, and I don't want to put any more stress on them. Sorry I wasn't able to offer any advice for you. Just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one going through that situation. Take care, and good luck to you, pal!
I have been thinking for a while to write a letter just to get things off my chest. I have thought for a while to come out to my mom in a letter just because I want to tell her with no interruptions and I do not want to f it up.
It sounds like it is getting harder and harder for you to refrain from telling them and that the time has come. Whether it is now or after the holidays is a bit of a tougher question. I am not so sure, though, that it makes all that much difference. Doing it now may make the holidays easier for you. Otherwise, you may actually find yourself coming out during the holidays.
I had the night to sleep on it and I feel better this morning. I am going to go with my gut and wait until after the holidays. I really do not want to add anything else to the stress of the holidays.
That's fine. But why not work on the letter in the interim? If you'd like, you can PM it to me, and we can go over parts of it. Lex
The longer you wait, the harder it gets (in my opinion). I came out at the tender age of 53. I managed to tell my wife and my son. I decided that my dear old 84 year-old widowed mother never need know. But now, I am working with the concept that so many other people may not know because they might tell her... I have no recommendations for you because I don't know what I should do either. Just hang in there - if we can be of any help, us older ECers are there for you. Feel free to PM us.
