I came here in desperation as I have no idea what to do and have no one to talk to about all of this... In brief I am a 25yo female I've been more attracted to other girls for as long as I can remember... preteen I always admired the female characters while others girls pined over the males one. I adored the Charmed Ones and a huge Xena the Warrior princess fan I was already being abused and bullied for being "weird" without having them all know I fancied girls so I kept it a secret and tried to my best to ignore those feelings and faking it, lying to myself in the hope all those feelings would go away. Anyway, now I am nearly 26yo I am struggling to keep my secret; I find myself attracted very strongly to a new friend I've made and I can hear that damn clock ticking. The new friend is no good for me (questionably straight with a boyfriend) but she has made me realize that I need to seriously consider how I want to live my life. I feel I am comfortable in the prospect of having a girlfriend; I am lucky to have a very open and supportive family but it is the rest of the world that scares me. It's the idea of loosing friends and the trauma of my childhood scares me... it's like I don't want to give the world another reason to hate me. But at the same time I don't think I could live any longer lying to myself... it's effecting my anxiety like something shocking and I know I need to do something. But I don't know what... where do I go from here, what do I do, what's the next step?? Please, any ideas or suggestions would be great. I'm so tired of feeling so alone. Sincerely, Arcadia.
It's great that you have been able to share this with us. When you are feeling quite desparate and lonely it can seem easier to bottle things up, so I'd like to begin by saying how well you have done to finally open up about everything. It's great that you have a supportive family and feel comfortable with the idea of having a girlfriend. To reach a point where you can accept the feelings of attraction that have been with your for such a long time is significant, and to know your family so well adds another layer of comfort that many people don't have. A couple of lines stood out from your posting: All of these comments remind me so much of my own struggle. I too was bullied throughout comprehensive (high) school - except for me, the bullying and abuse was directly related to my sexuality. From day one I was identified as the gay kid and that marked me out as "weird", just like you. I know from personal experience how it scars you and plunges you into denial. There is an almost conscious desire to prove your tormentors wrong by following a completely different path, even though it will damage you far more to do that. You feel as though you are proving them right in some way by accepting your feelings and that really hurts, so you don't accept, but ignore and deny things instead. Does it feel a little bit like that to you? It sounds like you are tired of living a lie, but it also seems that you have failed to resolve those issues from childhood which are fuelling the anxiety about coming out. So, I wonder, have you considered the idea of counselling/therapy to deal with the specific issue of childhood bullying and abuse? I really think you would benefit from talking about it on a one to one basis. It's easy for me and others to say that the bullies are no longer influential in your life, but clearly the memories live on and they seem to be holding you back from completing your coming out journey. A decent counsellor should be able to help you with this. What do you think?
