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Now That My Family Has Rejected Me, How Do I Protect Myself?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Vivi3, Apr 6, 2015.

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  1. Vivi3

    Vivi3
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    I left my marriage to a man about a year-and-a-half ago and started the sometimes painful (but mostly gratifying) process of coming out. I came out to family members very early in the process, including my aunt and uncle, who are the de facto family leaders. (My parents are dead.) Coming out was scary, but I was buoyed by my family members’ promises of support.

    Nevertheless, I suspected that my conservative, Hispanic, Catholic family was harboring hopes that I would get over this “phase” and go back to my marriage. I suspected that when I brought a woman home, when my “phase” had a name and a face, I might meet some resistance from my family. I did not, however, expect their ugly reaction when I brought my girlfriend to meet them on the weekend of my 40th birthday.

    With the exception of one cousin, no one is acknowledging my girlfriend or our relationship or the fact I am a lesbian. My aunt and uncle left my cousin’s house as soon as my girlfriend and I arrived. Later on, they called me to let me know that it was my fault that the family’s Easter brunch was ruined and that it was my fault they would not be able to have a relationship with their grandkids, whom they had not seen recently. None of my cousins or aunts or family friends or even my sister wrote or called to wish me a happy birthday.

    I feel abandoned. And, I don’t understand what they fear. I am sure most of you on this forum understand the anger, confusion, and pain that are overwhelming me right now. I don’t know what will happen to my relationship with my family. With my mom dead maintaining ties to my family is optional.

    At this point, I just want to make sure I protect myself from them. Fortunately, all of my family lives far from me. I also maintain no economic or financial links with them; I do not depend on them in any way. But I want to make sure I am doing everything I can to make sure they can never impose their will on me.

    For those of you who have been in this spot, what steps should I be taking to protect myself from my homophobic family? Is there anything I should do to ensure they cannot hurt me financial, emotionally, or physically? What else should I do to ensure that even if they never accept me, that I can always maintain my independence from them?
     
    #1 Vivi3, Apr 6, 2015
  2. guitar

    guitar
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    My response would have been: No, it's not my fault I was born with an attraction to the same gender. It's not my fault you're a homophobic and myopic person who, in 2015, are more concerned with their own feelings of guilt and shame over 2 being in love than being happy for someone they've known for 40 years. It's people like you who make life hell for people like me. All I want is to love someone and be finally happy and you want me to feel ashamed and drive up my anxiety & self-pity over something that is perfectly normal and acceptable in society. If you have a problem with me being in love with someone of the same gender, you need to seek the help of a therapist. I'm not a murderer or rapist
    I simply want to be in love, and I deserved to be loved.
     
    #2 guitar, Apr 6, 2015
  3. ConfusedSurfer

    ConfusedSurfer
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    I believe that my uncle that is gay, had a power of attorney, will, and advanced directive before he (gay) married his then partner. Perhaps that would be something you want to look into, aka consult a lawyer.
     
    #3 ConfusedSurfer, Apr 6, 2015
  4. Chibi Giraffe

    Chibi Giraffe
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    wow, i totally feel for you. i'm currently in a similar situation. i thought i was strong enough to handle the backlash without it getting to me, but that wasn't the case. i'm not sure there is much i can do in my situation. my family is full of stubborn people (me included...), add that along with their fundamentalist christian views. i know that they will never change their views for me (and i'm ok with that i guess...) but i at least expected them to be more supportive. i'm left thinking that walking away (before i get hurt anymore) is my best and only option right now until they start to come around or at least acknowledge the fact that i'm gay...
     
    #4 Chibi Giraffe, Apr 6, 2015
  5. jay777

    jay777
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    Well its up to you what you say since you know them best...

    you might remain calm during talks, stating facts and needs... not getting upset or aggressive...

    here are a few arguments:
    Empty Closets - For Parents

    The credible scientific literature, the American Psychological Association, the American Psychiatric Association, and the National Association of Social Workers are all completely clear on this issue: Sexual orientation is fixed very early in life, likely before birth, but certainly before 5 years of age. In an exhaustive review of the literature examining every study done in the past 50 years, the APA found that there was no credible evidence that sexual orientation is a choice ...


    their view is simply outdated...

    Gay and trans people have been around in all cultures...

    and as another poster pointed out, it should be about love...

    well its up to you if you want to remain any ties...
    or even want to talk to them, or write them... (careful with writing, it can be shown around... I'd not get outright offensive...)

    concerning fears of influence on you, you might check that with someone experienced in legal stuff, and with your partner...
    and, well, times are over being gay was classified as mental condition...

    and you might ask for counseling on legal and personal matters, for example at plannedparenthood or at the next lgbt center near you, and you might look for support groups...


    hugs (*hug*)
     
    #5 jay777, Apr 16, 2015
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