It seems that there are very few people out of all my good friends who haven't betrayed me in some way or another. (Hln D and Redsapphire are 2 of them of course love ya guys!!) Like, I must have been betrayed by people my whole life: I was betrayed in the 2 years I went to school in Dubai. There were people who would be my friend, but always chose the bullies over me. I was betrayed by my best friend from a long time ago, let's call her E. She went to my school when I used to live in Jersey. By coincidence, years later when I started to go to boarding school in England, I saw her again because she went there too. I thought we could be friends again but she ignored me. She didn't want my friendship anymore. At my first boarding school in England, I made 2 best friends there, M and B. We're still best friends but even they've betrayed me before. M's done it twice, once it's because she misheard something I said and thought I was offending her, and wouldn't let me explain. The other time, she and B betrayed me together, but that's a verrrry long story and I won't go into it. A few years later, I met a friend through M, let's call her K, and even she's betrayed me. Why? Because she says she's bisexual, which got my hopes up that we might stand a chance together. Then she said she wouldn't ever be in a relationship with a girl, she just likes to 'fool around' with them. That hurt a lot. But none of these compare to the latest betrayal. This is the main point of this thread. The betrayal was by someone I may have mentioned to a few of you. It's a risk writing this because she actually has an EC account, but she hasn't been on for such a long time that it's not likely she's going to see this. If she does, well, I'll shoot myself. Ok not really. ANYway, the latest betrayal was by someone I met through the internet. Let's call her P. This term I started at a new school. Months before, I met her through a gay website. Of course, we were both all hyped up that we were both going to the same school, and both gay. So of course, we started talking. We got each other's MSNs and had some really in-depth conversations. Like, I've told her stuff I've never told anyone else, not even my best friends. So of course, I was really excited to meet her when I got to school. And we met, in a pretty ordinary way actually, she just came up to me in the dining room and we just started talking. The next day I had lunch with her and some of her friends (one who happened to have been my tour guide when I first came to look around the school!!). All seemed to be going well: but there was a barrier, and that was the fact that we're in different houses. It's a known fact that she doesn't like many of the girls in my house. She insisted that "they look at me funny". Like, because she's gay. Which I personally don't think is true but there you go... The times we saw each other were so limited that contacting each other was difficult. She was in my music set, which I was very pleased about. But after a while it seemed like she wasn't bothered. She never sat next to me in music, she was always with the friends from her house. Which I respected to begin with. She's perfectly allowed to have other friends. There would be long times where we wouldn't speak, but the times she did acknowledge me I was so very, very happy. At one point I invited her out for lunch, along with some other girls in her house, and she said yes, which made me very, VERY happy, and I thought our friendship was finally going somewhere. But now it seems as though she doesn't give a f**k about me at all. Since before half term, she hasn't spoken a word to me. She just walks past me like I don't matter. She never even says 'hello' to me. I'm too afraid to say anything in case I appear a nuisance to her. I've even begun to resent her friends for being closer to her than I am. A lot of the time I feel like I'm the one who's at fault. I know for a fact that my internet persona comes off differently to how I am in real life. I'm really worried that she thought I was fake or something. Also because I told her I wasn't really 'cool' (which is true) and didn't hang out with 'popular' people. I do have friends in my house and I'm really worried she doesn't like that because she doesn't like the girls in my house. In my mind I've begun to see her as a traitor. I've become better friends with one of her firends than I have with her. (Let's call her H) H actually makes an effort, she actually talks to me. But it doesn't seem right that I'm better friends with H than P. P is the one who was meant to be there for me when I arrived at Wells. I thought she'd be the one that looked after me, made sure I knew what I was doing, where I was going, making sure I was happy, etc. But it wasn't. It was the girls in my house who did that. I don't want to drop her out of my life. I don't want to believe that she's never going to be my friend. The whole time we talked over the internet, and had all our in-depth conversations, and talked about girls and the L word and all that, I value it too much to just let her go. I wish I could see inside her mind and find out what she thinks about all this. If she cares at all. If she ever thinks about me and wonders what became of our friendship. If she wants to reach out to me as much as I want to reach out to her, but is just afraid to. (somehow, sadly, I don't think it's the last sentence...) Or whether I really am just a nuisance to her... I don't want to confront her directly, because it might make things worse. But I'm so tired of being in the dark. I just want to know WHY she did this to me. I'm so tired of being betrayed by people, and I just want to know if she could ever come back to me... I don't know what to do...I'm at breaking point. The other night I even started crying about it...please help. :tears:
(*hug*) I'm so sorry. This sounds a lot like me. I wouldn't say/do half the things in real life that I do online. Which probably isn't the smartest thing to do. But it's her fault for ignoring you and brushing you off, not yours. It seems like maybe you should start putting less importance on her; if she doesn't value you, she's not going to be much value to you. I really don't know what else to say, though. I'll leave it up to someone who knows you better.
^The thing is, placing less importance on her is the last thing I want to do. And the worst thing is, I have no f**king idea why. I just value her so much that I can't seem to let go. I've questioned my feelings but have come to the decided conclusion that I cannot possibly fancy someone who could do something like that to me without even realizing. Yet my feelings are strong enough that I'm hanging on as if I were hanging off the edge of a cliff...
Awww Lucy (*hug*) You know you're one of my best friends in the whole world, why did you never mention this to me before? I know exactly how you feel, people can be such twats in real life after you've known them over the internet for so long. (and I have proof of that, as you well know -_-). You're a beautiful, intelligent and entertaining young woman, and you deserve somebody just as lovely as you. If you just hang on to somebody who doesn't return the feelings it causes a lot of unnecessary hurt that you certainly don't deserve to be going through. I know it's hard, seeing as most of us are so spread out now, but you've GOT to remember who your real friends are. You'll never lose those, and they'll always be there for you, and I know that there's definitely one who'll always do that, because you're reading what she's typing right now. Having feelings for someone is supposed to make you feel good, not the opposite. Unfortunately, that's quite often the way these things turn out. Maybe a little good will come out of this; you've proved that you don't need to rely on her completely, and that you're fairly independent, because you got settled in at Wells very nicely without her assistance. Hopefully that's a slightly encouraging thought? *sigh*. I'm always useless at these things. We'll talk about this properly when I see you, k? love you lucus bucus (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
Hmm. The trend here seems to be 'let go of her'. But...I can't bear to do that. She has too much power over me. It's not even that romantic kind of power, in fact, I have no idea what sort of power, but it's drawing me towards her rather than away. It's like...I see her as a more than a friend, but less than a lover...if you can figure that one out... Letting go of her is the last thing I want to do. Especially because I began to realize: What does she think about all this? I can judge by her actions but I can't see into her mind. What she does might be different from what she thinks. Like, for all I know, she could be seeing the situation exactly the same way as me. She could see me as the traitor, not her. And she could just be too afraid to reach out to me. I think I'm just getting my hopes up... But seriously, I need to know what she thinks about this. I need to think of a way of finding out. Until then I'll never be at peace with this. Thanks for the replies...
Oh lord...I didn't realise it was the "power" kind of thing. I remember that feeling -_- In that case, I agree with you. The only way you can even start beginning to move on is if you make sure you know exactly what she thinks. I get like that a lot, I *have* to know what people think of me in order to "mould" my final opinion of them. Even if she has power over you, I'm afraid you have only one option. You can guess what it is. Yep, talk to her about it, face to face. I know that can be so hard if she has that kind of power over you, but you've got to see her as another human being, not some ethereal entity that you couldn't possibly answer back or stand up to. I wouldn't recommend asking other people to find out for you, because gossip is really quite merciless, and you never know exactly how true it is unless you hear it from P herself. It'll feel so much better if you bring this out into the open with her, and sort things out. (*hug*) xoxox
This is a letter I wrote her, but with the intention of never giving it to her. Now I'm wondering...should I? Cos I don't think I could bear to confront her face to face.
Aw Lucy! You should have talked to me, through a PM or a call. (I realise my phone has been dead for the last two weeks). If you want to talk about this any more then just call me. We're all here for you. Queue Music: 'You just call, out my name, And you know, wherever I am, I'll come running, To see you again.......'
