Never did this before in my life

A couple of weeks ago I developed a crush on a guy who has helped me quite a bit in my coming out process. I had crushes before, but I could always rationalize them. This one I could not.

We have met a few times for coffee and we even went to the symphony together. What can I say about him? He is cute, he makes me feel good, and I enjoy talking with him and simply being with him. In some ways by just being himself and being open about his experience, helped to come out to my sister. After our first get together where I talked openly about myself without wondering or worrying too much about what the other people sitting at the other tables would think about me or us, I felt a feeling that I never felt before. It was great. No, it was awesome. On that following weekend I came out to my sister.

Soon after that we met or a coffee again. I started to feel something for him, something I have never really felt before. I realized that I enjoy being with him and just talking with him. As the days passed I realized that these feelings got stronger. I started to think about him. Every time I saw him, my feelings for him were reconfirmed. During our second get together we talked about the symphony in town and about our interests in classical music. As I wanted to go to the symphony again, which I hadn't done in a long time, I decided to check them out and invited him to come along. Thinking back, he was the first who came to my mind when I thought about with whom could I go. He accepted my offer which made me really happy. I was glad that I could spend an afternoon with him. At the same time my feelings for him grew stronger once again.

I started to realize that there is something more to the feelings that I have had for him. There were times I wish I could have hugged him. After out last get together I felt that I needed to tell him about how I feel about him. After all, all the feelings that I have had for him were reconfirmed several times during that evening. We talked about a lot things. The conversation just seemed to be building on one building block after the other. Already during our conversation I tried to tell him about my feelings for him. But I couldn't. I knew that asking him for another get together without saying to him how I felt about him would not be right. I felt I needed to be honest with him. I didn't want to hide.

The desire to tell him was there but I was afraid. I have never done something like this before and I wasn't sure how he was going to react. I was afraid that I might lose something. So I sat down and started writing an EC member (and he knows who he is) and asked for advice. His advice, "honesty and humility are great ingredients in a relationship. If it doesn't work out at least it will have been said and you can move on." So last week, I got all my courage that I could muster and asked him if we could meet as I wanted to talk to him about something important. So today, was the day.

I was nervous. Yesterday, I spent the better part of the day thinking about how I could tell him about my feelings. I tried going back to my work that I need to do but simply couldn't. This morning I was still thinking about it. But once I saw him and talked with him, it didn't come out the way I hoped for but I still managed to let him know that he makes me feel good, and that I enjoy his company. What came after that, didn't feel all too good anymore. He thanked me for being able to tell him this and felt honored, but had to tell me that he doesn't have the same feelings for me. For the first time, I felt a whole somewhere that only got patched up partially when he told me that he would still spend time with me.

We went together to the GLBT office. I tried to hide my emotions and true feelings. It was hard. I left after a little while. A friend of mine saw me and once I told him what happened, he stayed with me for a while, which helped a bit.

All I know, is that I am feeling everything all at once. In some ways I am happy that I could tell him about my feelings. At the same time, I feel sad. Though yet, I am glad that he still is willing to get together with me. At the same time I'm thinking about what I have done today. Not sure if this makes any sense.

 

Thank you everyone for your kind and encouraging words.

I'm doing better today. I'm trying to concentrate on the positives as much as possible. I do hope that I will get to know him better. Maybe we will become good friends down the road. Wouldn't mind that at all. He is a great guy.

I tried keeping busy and distracted as much as possible, with a bit of success. Given that I work often from home, I decided to stay at home and just have a 'me' day in the hope that I can go back to work tomorrow and remain concentrated on the things I need to do. I'll try doing some work for the next couple of hours, before meeting a friend for a coffee. I promised myself that I'll try to enjoy myself. I am really thankful for having the support network that I have.