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Staying Closeted Or Leaving The Closet

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by formalconstruct, Apr 9, 2015.

  1. formalconstruct

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    First things first, this whole coming out thing, should I really come out to anyone? I have came out to two of my closest friends, but no one else. I want to tell my dad, he's pretty lenient with male-to-male sexuality, in his words "I don't care what you do behind closed doors, that's none of my business, so don't flaunt it." Should I heed his words and not tell him as it is "none of his business," or should I tell him about my sexuality? I'm his son, he kinda has the right to know. I also don't want to tell him and have him freak out and hate me or disown me or anything like that. I'm in a pretty good position in my family and I don't want to ruin it by telling them my interests. My dad is pretty bummed about what I think on religion, so this seems like it could go bad for me. I am who I am and I hope that he can understand that.
     
  2. Kenaria

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    To me it sounds like your father is the type of guy who doesn't really care either way! If you feel the absolute desire to tell him then I don't see why not, but you could always let him know by bringing a boy home! However you decide, I believe that your father would support you.
     
  3. formalconstruct

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    I sure hope so, I'm kinda considering waiting 'til I'm 18 so that if worse comes to worse I can be a legal adult and things won't be as bad. He's also been dealing with depression for 2 years now and I don't want to make things worse for him.
     
  4. Kenaria

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    Well, the first person in my family I told when I came out was my mother-- a Mormon alcoholic with anxiety and clinical depression. I sort of felt the same way, like she would understand, but in the back of my head there was the "I'm her only son, she's never going to accept me" thing. But the stress ate me away and I ended up telling her while making mac and cheese, and she was fine with it.
    Out of all the bad stuff, people like that can always find love in their hearts to accept others, I think your father would do the same :slight_smile:
     
  5. formalconstruct

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    Yeah, it's kinda taxing on me too, stress and all. I don't think I'll tell him anytime soon, but I want to tell him. I just don't think that right now would be the best time to come out to him. Anyway, thanks for the help, I think I'll come out to him in the future, I really appreciate it :slight_smile:
     
  6. Kenaria

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    It's my pleasure c: I'm sure all will go well <3
     
  7. PatrickUK

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    So, maybe the best thing to do right now is prepare for the time when you come out to him. Try to envision telling him and consider how he and you will respond. If he asks questions, how will you answer? What questions might he ask? Think about these things in advance and get yourself prepared with information and answers. If you are able to respond to your Dad in a calm and rational way, with fully prepared answers to any questions he asks, it will demonstrate that you have considered your sexuality carefully and you are not going through a "phase" or coming out on a whim.

    If he responds in a negative way, how will you react? Prepare yourself for this scenario too. If he gets upset and you become angry and upset too, it will set a bad tone and make your coming out all the harder. If you get yourself prepared for this possibility now though and you know in advance what you will say and how you will react, it will make a huge difference.

    Maybe as a starting point you can read some of our coming out resources or buy a coming out guide. You can channel all of the stress in a positive way by getting yourself prepared.
     
  8. formalconstruct

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    I guess preparing for this is the best way to do it. I want to let him know that I am not going through a phase, that I am confident that I am bi. I want to let him know about this. I am also very scared that this may make him hate me in some way. I want to let him know about this. I am terrified that he may try to "cure" me, or try to deny it. I have already came out to myself, and came to terms with it, but I have no idea if he will react as I did.

    I'm normally a shy person when it comes to talking to people, keeping a rational mind, and not freaking out, so I have a lot of preparing to do.
     
  9. Yossarian

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    Maybe I am reading you wrong, but it sounds to me like your dad does have a problem with your coming out and "acting gay" in front of other people. Or in other words, being your authentic self. Like many homophobic people, he is focussing on the bedroom stuff, rather than considering that you want a loving relationship with a man whom you would want your family to accept into the family as your life love and partner, just as they would accept your wife if you were straight. The "I don't care what you do as long as I don't know about it" sort of attitude isn't what he should be saying, and he does not have "the right to know" about your life if he is sending out signals like this that he is not going to provide you and your partner with the kind of acceptance and support that a parent should. If he doesn't want to hear about you being your authentic self, that means he is telling you not to come out to him, which also probably means that he already knows, so you don't need to. Stick to telling your friends who support you, for now.
     
  10. formalconstruct

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    I'm pretty sure that he thinks that I'm straight, I haven't done anything around him that would make him think otherwise. What I meant by his response was that that is what he thinks of homo stuff in general, when I asked him about his views on gays and such. I kinda did that so I could see what he thought of it all before I do come out to him, so that if hates gays with a passion (which he doesn't) then that would mean that I probably shouldn't come out to him right now. Hopefully, it will be easier to tell him that I'm bi (which I am) so that he will be happier with know that I can still be with women, not just men.
     
    #10 formalconstruct, Apr 10, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2015
  11. Yossarian

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    It is really an issue of whether you feel more comfortable being with women or men, which would indicate your natural preference, or what you would do if you found a man whom you fell in love with, but were reluctant to pursue him because of how you feel your father would react. All I am saying is that you should follow your own feelings, and if you don't feel your father would fully accept you if you are honest about them and want to live the associated lifestyle, then leave him out of the loop until you feel he can.