1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Coming out @ 18, Good or Bad?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LameBoo, Apr 9, 2015.

  1. LameBoo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2015
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Asia
    Hi, this is LameBoo
    I'm seventeen and will be eighteen in next month.
    I'm quiet slow at first about sexuality when I was in grade school until junior high, too innocent if you think -_- Honestly, I got to know what Bisexual means when I was in junior, I was dumbstruck because I thought it means liking neither girls or boys, so thats what i told my friends. I just laughed on it when they explained to me.
    Although, there were moments in my 4th to 6th grade I feel so awkward and weird to myself. Why? I found myself liking this one girl for two years in grade school but I tried to ignore it because she's friends to me. It constantly caused some issues to our friendship bcoz I start avoiding her, it feels awkward that a kid like me admires my friend's cute antics and her charms, it messed me up. My parents transferred me and took me away from our hometown since I'm not doing well at school. In sixth grade, I was new and convinced that I'm fine. But then I was watching this volleyball game and almost run out of school when I keep staring at the most beautiful girl in our class, playing. I was so embarrassed and beat myself in the end of the day whenever i realized I had blushed or stuttered while talking to her. Believe me, she has this beautiful almost gray eyes and angelic voice I even compared her to Athena. It's also a torture seeing her underwear through her silk pants, I remember I keep slamming my palms on my face bcoz it feels so perverted. Oh wait, it is. :bang::bang::bang:
    Then in freshman, I lied to my mom who was my crush, told her its the guy that top our class and even in sophomore I lied again that I got a crush on this chess player. (Well, Mom and Auntie like nice and smart cute guys so I randomly picked from the school's heartthrobs) It was a pain when I lied to my friends as well during sophomore because they teased me. I mean, wow, this guy's like the brother I never had -.- now we're no longer dudes and chess playmates.
    I liked two more girls during those times, there's the 'lip gloss girl' I like to call and she's close to me even though we're very different. I think she waken up the side of me because she dared tried to kiss me and I fell out of my chair in panic, then she twice kissed my cheeks when she knew I don't like those girly greetings of theirs and hugged me handful of times when they know I'm not physically affectionate to my friends or best friends. Then another girly friend of mine, I never did show my soft side to them. We fought over something and I feel like a jerk, so I buy her food and woo her, it was so lame since I never woo or put my apology into extent that I gave up my pride. She ignored me at first, I was hurt including my damn pride and wasn't able to smile or laugh similar to when I was a stranger to them, but after a few days she sat with me and just her smile then I knew she forgave me.:rolle:
    :confused: I messed up in my senior year again and my grades deflated, I was doing great during the first semesters but while I was in my progress it's is also my denial stage (I was hurt, afraid and depressed). I had anger issues and few rebellions that my parents tried to talk it out of me but I was back in my shell. I want to give up, seeing myself not worth to them because I'm a failure.
    I pretended there's nothing going on again after I graduated high school and my connection with my parents is alright although there's still a barrier between us because of me. I go back to being a sweet and dedicated daughter, a cool and protective sister, and a lone person at school. My own issues locked away.
    I get in a prestigious university even though I purposely didn't finished the test and my grades are not good enough, Auntie had something to do with that and the school admired me somewhat because of the justifications.
    I keep to myself now in college mostly during my first year. People tried befriending me but I keep distancing myself and only work with them if necessary. Guys were easier for me to talk to so I go along with them than girls.
    But then, I liked a girl again and this is a strong attraction I think, its agonizing. Do y'know that kind of love at first sight? So I was a stranger and treats myself as an outcast to everyone, I barely knew the girl and often saw her. But there's this unique moment I saw her from inside of the room and she wasn't at her best because she don't have any make up and she's probably stressed out as everyone of us because of upcoming tests. It took a few seconds I keep staring and I suddenly ran away :bang: (I'm really weird). I avoided her as much as possible, but she's around, not to mention we share classes :tantrum:. Until now, I got to know her attitude which is mostly unpleasant as what my friends telling me. Its their issues while I stay low profile from my current friends in college. But in the back of my mind, I knew I still admire her not only because she's beautiful, but because she's interesting. I've always been an understanding person and I don't see anything wrong if she's like this or that because for me it is pretty normal and you can see those attitudes and behaviors to almost everyone as well. I admired her own perspectives and how she stands her ground. I always justify the good side of a person and their reasons, but to her there's this feelings, I see her as an interesting and strong woman.:icon_redf
    And now, at least I'm getting over my weirdness in front of her or everyone. I keep my mind focused on studying and other things, because this is college, my future matters this time. I have goals I set.
    I want to be open to my parents but find it hard because I'm scared and always get depressed whenever I think of telling them. I get to tell an old man, a friend of mine as well and he told me to see if I'm sure of what I'm feeling because its not easy.
    I planned telling my parents not my sexuality, but what really happened during my last two years of high school and how it started. I want to explain to them, not tell them 'I'm Lesbian.' just like that. I can't say I'm proud of myself because it took me long and a lot of self-hurting and denials before I accept,-not really accept but still scared, or maybe I already gave up... That I am not straight.
    On my 18th birthday or around there, I'm thinking of telling them and explain. I want to get out everything off my chest, I feel so guilty lying to her and causing him disappointment that their eldest girl is not who they want to end up, marrying a man and kissed him or bear his children.
    I'm scared of telling them though, because I might ruin our summer vacation. How should I tell them without being swallowed first by my fear? I might chicken out and its a try again next time or next time and another next year until its too late. I want to tell only to the two of them, then maybe I can completely forgive myself and accept my sexuality.
    Is it a good idea or not? Will it be a good time to have the conversation to them? For me its opening up, as well as getting myself out in a different way to my parents only.
    :eusa_doh::icon_sad:
    :help::help::help:
     
  2. oJustMe

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2015
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    uk
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    hey - didn't want to read and run. Sounds like you've got a lot on your mind.

    You say you want to "forgive yourself and accept your sexuality". I think that's a really good start, most of the time we are our own harshest critics, maybe when you are more at peace with yourself it will be easier to come out to your parents.

    I get the impression that you don't feel that your parents would be easily accepting... i personally would wait to be more accepting of myself before telling them. I wish i'd been more confident before telling my mum because she wasn't accepting and it felt like she didn't believe me and i was too scared to talk about it with her again. Not saying it will be like this with you.

    Really wishing you good luck :grin: xxx
     
  3. LameBoo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2015
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Asia
    Thank you :slight_smile: although I guessed my mom wouldn't believe me too. I had one of this scenarios in my head where she says 'Straight up! You shouldn't be bluffing like that.' Christ, she might never see me as her daughter. I dunno how she will accept it since she's away from me for long and we only have conversations through webcams and chats. She will be home this vacation again.
    I trust my father will be calmer or possibly accepting somewhat, but I dunno what's his judgment. Mom might keep my mouth shut and try to change me or she might never treat me the same. And there's my auntie too.
    I accepted that I am into girls but not completely my sexuality.