Hi i'm new, I'm here for any thoughts/ advice on being out. Might be long - I'm 24, bisexual, happily married. I came out to most people when i was in college, this included my friends and my mum. I met my husband at college after i came out, so he always knew, we've talked about it since, he is completely accepting (wouldn't have married him otherwise!) and supportive. Why does it matter to me? I have a wonderful, supportive partner and i don't intend to ever be in a relationship other than with him. My main thing is when i told my mum, she responded with 'it's just a phase'... it's not. She even told me i only had a girlfriend because it was 'fashionable'. I came to terms with the idea that she would have trouble accepting. Fast forward 6 years, i'm still bi in my head but from her point of view: i had a girlfriend and now i'm married to a man = 'my daughter is straight'... I don't know that it particularly matters? I sort of feel like i should be grateful she's happy. But i'm kind of frustrated, i'm not usually worried about labels but i feel like i'm stuck with one that isn't who i am. i feel like an imposter because i've let my mum and other people just assume. (does any of this make sense?) Now, my friends from college are diluted with new people who i haven't come out to. I don't make an effort to hide or avoid my sexuality, but i just happen to have married a man, so every new person i meet tends to assume i'm straight. i feel like i'm back in the closet, just not intentionally, people have just put me there. Thank you if you're still with me having read through that! It might not make a lot of sense because i just wrote as it was in my head. ANY thoughts- even if you want to tell me to just get a grip! (i've been telling myself for some time!) Much love xxx
so this is probably all i've been thinking about today. the act of just writing it down has been therapeutic. It DOES matter - because it matters to me (obviously - otherwise i wouldn't be worrying about it). I feel like i'm not 'out' enough? is that a thing? But what do i want? do i want to tell more people? am i looking for acceptance? from who? why? i think it's about my family. i only told my mum, she asked me not to tell my dad and she didn't accept/ believe me. she thinks it was 'a phase'. now i feel like i've deceived her because she loves me for who she thinks i am. but i feel if i'd have ended up staying with my exgirlfriend, it would be different. i'm worrying about this now because..? anyone had any similar experiences? what, if anything, did you do?
I totally am with you on this! Only my bf knows and i feel like everyone else has just assumed im straight or have no idea which isnt their fault but it does annoy me that people just assume things, I mean straight people dont have to go through all this coming out stuff do they?! It matters to me a lot even though im in a relationship with a guy, because that doesnt make me straight im still bi. Its all so new to me as well which doesnt help. I eventually want to come out as bi to my friends and family but after all this drama with my bf about it. I dont have any advice because I am in a similar situation but you are not alone in feeling this!! Hope this helps at least a little
YES i've just replied to your post! Just the realisation that it matters and that someone else is in the same boat is enough progress for me at the moment Thank you xxx
so clearly this is bothering me. not sure whether i should just leave it or whether it's a good idea to talk to my mum about it. As i said, i came out to her before, but she wasn't exactly accepting, she didn't believe me. she seems to have conveniently forgotten. Should i just leave it? is it her problem? xxx
Maybe I missed something, but I'm not sure how it matters since you're married and won't be dating anymore. If she says something negative about GLBT people it would make sense for a conversation, but otherwise why would it just come up out of the blue? Does she say disparaging things about GLBT people? I don't mean to trivialize this at all; I can be dense sometimes. Why do you say she has forgotten that you're bi?
Thank you for writing back mnguy- i know what you mean- it's not really about anyone needing to know because now i'm married. You say if she's saying negative things about lgbt people it would make sense to talk to her? i think i'd like to but i don't know where to start? Some background: Thinking about it, i've been worrying about this since my mum recently started suggesting she's glad we (my brothers and i) are all 'normal' in comparison to my cousins, 2 of which have come out. She say things about it being an attention thing but also it being my aunts fault. my aunt remarried last year, to a wonderful woman, my mum is outwardly accepting, but she often talks about it like my aunt is having some sort of mid-life crisis. I find it offensive. and i've tried to talk to her but haven't ever brought up again that i'm bi. She asked me not to tell anyone when i came out to her the first time. i know she hasn't really forgotten just she seems to pretend to for her own convenience. i don't know how she would react if i brought it up again. I find it difficult to deal with, part of me wants to talk to her again and make her understand the other part says just to leave it, i'm grown up, left home and it doesn't matter - i know a lot of people have much more trouble from their parents over this. i can't change her, but i sort of hope i can make her more aware of the things she is saying. (sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense -writing it as it comes to mind - have read back but thats no guarantee!) Sorry this is getting more confusing. i wasn't really sure why i was upset in the first post but i think i'm getting closer. Trying to explain it to other people is helping. I still don't know what i want to do though. xxxx
