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Coming out to mother and church

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by myra, Nov 18, 2008.

  1. myra

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    And I'm not talking about my sexuality. I'm talking about religion. How do you tell a very religious mother who has dragged you to church all your life that you are in fact not Christian, but Atheist? I'm afraid that when i tell her, she'll drag me anyway, when religion is really something that i don't want in my life. I don't like to hurt people and there are people at the church who've known me since birth and it will hurt them knowing that i'm not a believer. In my perspective I'm not in the wrong, but i hate knowing that none of them will respect my decision. I'm going home on break at the end of the week. and sunday i know mom is going to want me at church and they will ask me to play piano for the service. My mom has an appointment made to get our pictures done for the church directory and i don't want to be in it because i don't want to be a member of the church. But...mom wants me in it because she wants a family portrait Any suggestions on how to tell them I don't want to be a part of it without hurting anyone?
     
  2. starfish

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    I've been through this my self.

    I just stuck it out until I moved out of the house and I would decline to go every time they asked. I did move back in when I went back to school so I just did not go. I got little comments from my parents every once in a while, but I just ignored them. One time my dad asked why I quit going. That conversation did not last very long, he refused to listen and just kept saying I was wrong.

    I would suggest that once you stop going don't go again. I went home about 8 months ago when I was going through a very stressful time. I went to church with my parents because I did not want to be left alone for a couple of hours. That was a mistake. They now believe that I want to go and am a believer again. I've been home 2 times since then and I go because I don't want to fight about it.

    In hind sight I should have just nipped it in the bud right away and made my beliefs clear.
     
  3. xequar

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    Ah yes... Coming out as an Atheist can be harder than coming out as gay. I know my family sure reacted worse about that in my case.

    In many ways, though, coming out as an Atheist or coming out as gay are very similar. In both cases, you run the risk of having someone reject you or cut off contact with you, and in both cases, it's a risk you have to be ready for. If/when you decide to talk to your mother and church, be honest yet considerate. If you tell them that you've been having doubts about god for awhile and just can't believe anymore, that's a lot better than saying that gawd's a bunch of fairy tales and the like.

    The other similarity you're going to find is that, much like coming out as gay, you'll find out how many of your friends are true and for real. The church friends that like you as a person and for who you are will remain your friends. The ones that think you've been corrupted by satan or some crap will likely drift away or cut you off.

    At the very least, you could decline the offers to go to church and the like, and then reveal the truth if pressed further.

    For what it's worth, you might want to check out exchristian.net. It's a site populated by people that were formerly Christians that have de-converted and are now Atheists, Agnostics, and follow other paths, as well. They probably would have some better advice on the religious angles for you, as well (and yes, I post there on occasion).
     
  4. Apocalypte

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    It was the opposite for me - I found coming out as gay to be a lot harder than coming out as an atheist, then again, I started coming out to people as an atheist when I was about 11 or 12 years old (and had been pretty certain from the age of 9...). My mum's still not happy and she hates when I speak about my atheism, but then again my younger brother and my dad have both said since then that they are also atheists so she (Catholic) kinda just has to put up or shut up.
     
  5. Wander

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    I would go to the portrait deal, but know that coming out as nonreligious is even more difficult than coming out as non-heterosexual for some people. Unlike sexuality, there is no doubt at all that religion is a personal decision and not inborn. Thus, it's easier to try and change someone's religion than their sexuality. Even my dad, who hasn't been to church since he was ten and is pretty indifferent to religion, has kept pretty quiet about the subject and changed the subject when I brought it up. If you're financially independent from your mother, then the worst you can expect is being disconnected from her. However, if you're still living with her, then the chances are high that she'll deny it all and make you go to church even more often. Be careful.
     
  6. myra

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    Great...when i go the sermon's are aimed at my bisexuality and other aspects of my personal life. There were times that, if i'd had a ride home, id have walked out because the preacher stared me down and told me that the lifestyle i was leading would send me to hell. Loverly.
     
  7. Wander

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    No matter what happens, it's not going to be easy. If your mother is as enthusiastic or fundamentalist as you describe, the least you're going to get is some verbal haranguing. Once again, tread very lightly. Don't feel like you have to rush and tell, no matter how proud or independent you feel.
     
  8. starfish

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    I hate those, I've been on the receiving end of those. Even though I'm not out it is suspected that I am gay. It sucks and over time I just learned to ignore it. Though that can be hard at time as they know how to really push your buttons. Remember that a strong emotional response is what they want, then they can justify it to themselves by saying see how much she needs our help.

    Sounds like you are not in the position to burn any bridges. This may be a case where it is best to do something over time. Do you have a job, you maybe able to engineer scheduling conflicts that interfere with church events. I used that tactic a lot. I also avoid the topic of anything remotely religious. Basically instead of leaving I took the approach of just fading away. Then no one noticed that I left.

    Though some good did come of this. I learned a very useful skill. I can look someone straight in the eye, smile, say have a nice day. All while thinking :***: you, you self righteous bastard.
     
    #8 starfish, Nov 18, 2008
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2008
  9. myra

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    I'm going to be utterly trapped when i go back home for the winter break. I have no job, no car, and no license. So unless i voluntarily spend the weekends with my dad, who btw i really can't stand anymore than the church, i'm guessing i'm just gonna have to suck it up?
     
  10. starfish

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    Ouch that sucks. My advice in that case is to keep as low of a profile as possible.

    I hate to advocate this as it ultimately what we are trying to get away from. There is a time to be overt and there is a time to be covert. Sounds like this is the later. Be like a spy. Blend in, don't give them any reason to suspect you. Make them think you are just like them, but be confident in your beliefs and know you are doing what is right and necessary. Carefully pick the people that you talk to and what you tell them. You may be able to plant the seeds that will later allow you to come into the open, but don't let them know your end goal. Just don't forget who you are and remember that Rome wasn't built in a day.

    Good luck agent myra. This post will self destruct in 5 seconds.
     
  11. Lexington

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    I guess that'll all depend. I realized I wasn't "feeling it" when it came to religion before I realized I was gay, in fact. I had a talk with my father about it, and it hit him really hard. (I've seen him cry four times - this was one.) I told that although I didn't believe, I was willing to keep going once a week, and "go through the motions" in the hopes (on his end) that something would "catch". It didn't, but he appreciated the effort. I didn't mind giving up an hour or so of my week to keep him happy.

    Lex