So I have started coming out, starting with my mom...

Right now, I'm away at (art) college, so the environment here is very safe and supportive. I'm not "OUT" out here, but I openly use male pronouns and dress male, no one's asked, so I don't feel the need to announce it. It's cool. However, I had this overwhelming feeling I couldn't go home without someone in my family knowing. The easiest to tell was my mom. I did it over skype, which was probably the worst way, but I couldn't say it without breaking down, so I called her after.

And I managed to cry so hard I gave myself a nosebleed. In all seriousness, though, she was very supportive. She kept saying, “I don’t want to assume.” because I was wussy about saying it exactly, but it ended up coming out. She seems to think I’m in the ‘experimenting’ stages, and has told me if I decide I’m not, then she wouldn’t judge me for ‘changing my mind’, and I know that’s because part of her knows it’d be easier if I did. I told her I’d keep an open mind to it, just in case, but that I’d been dealing with this for about ten years now, and I was pretty sure of myself.

I almost wish she’d had more questions, because I think I can answer pretty well, but I wasn’t sure what to say or explain, I didn’t want to overwhelm her. Naturally, she wanted to ask if she could talk about it with other people (to help process, I think) and I told her that I wasn’t going to tell her to, but if she wanted to, that’d be fine. It would be kind of outing me, but at the same time, if anyone found out at this point, I don’t know if I’d care. Keeping a secret like that will eat you up, and it did that to me for too long for me to ask anyone else to do the same. I’d leave that up to her.

She was really worried about me having a relationship, for some reason. And my safety for sure, but she really seemed stuck on the relationship thing. I don’t know why. She was asking what I’d do, how that works. I kept trying to tell her it probably wouldn’t be something I bothered to consider until I was at a place that was a viable thing to do, but she was pretty concerned about it, so I said it’d happen just like it does for anyone else–when and if it’s meant to. But in the end, when I choked out, “I’m sorry.” She told me, “Don’t you ever apologize for being who you are.” which is more than I ever could have hoped for. I hope she knows that.


But what I'm worried about is my dad and sister knowing. My brother isn't a very good person... at all, and my dad still accepts him, but I know it's in the hope that he can change, get better. Something like being trans is well, "unfixable" in that way. Not that I think I'm broken, but he might. He's never spoken much about any lgbt issues, but I do know he's republican. He's helping me pay for school, and while I don't think he'd kick me out, or really refuse me schooling (because then what'd happen? I'd just be at home all the time), but I don't want to lose our relationship. I'm nervous. Dads are unpredictable..

My sister's also a bit of a wild card, but since I barely talk to my brother already, I'm used to the idea of "losing" contact with siblings. I'd hate it, to be honest, since we're fairly close, but I've prepared for the idea of it. However, I don't think--at least I hope she wouldn't do that. She'd probably be confused as hell about it. "So does this mean you like girls or something" or something equally.. wrong. But I feel like she may come around.

I'm unsure of what to do next, with coming out, and with steps in transitioning. I wear a binder from g2cb every day, but I don't see a therapist yet (boston area gender therapist recs at all!?!?!) So any ideas/stories/advice would be amazing..


tl;dr of it: Came out to my mom, she's accepting. Any tips for the next steps?

 

My brother is definitely as bad as my dad sees him, as my mom and I see him the same way. They still love him for sure, and hope the best for him, but he's lied and cheated his way through too many things for us to trust him to well, not be lying. I don't know if my dad is a "bigot", and it's hard to bring up lgbt issues specifically, cause it's kinda hard to bring anything up with him. He does give some weird side glances to whenever I watch Ru Paul's and definitely doesn't understand my 'mode of dress' (masculine) though he doesn't say anything. He's the quiet type that keeps to himself a lot, so it's pretty hard to guess what he'd do/how he'd react. Lucky for me, he's sensible. He'll analyze a situation rather than act irrationally. Which would make a bad reaction probably worse, though. But I'm contemplating coming out mid school. If he pulls funding, then he pulls funding. I'd rather get the "help" while I'm still on his insurance, if I can. Besides, part of me feels weird taking his financial help if I know there's something about me he wouldn't agree with. It's just hard. It's weird. The second I came out, I couldn't help but think I wish I could turn back five minutes and slap myself for thinking to at all. I thought, "What if I'm wrong?!", but I doubt I could be wrong after almost a decade of feeling this way. It's more... just tips on the next steps. Kinda at a loss of what to do.