Hello, I am 21 and have recently started to delve into my sexuality.I knew from an early age that I had an interest in men, particularly older men. Although it wasn't necessarily sexual I enjoyed the attention and relationships I formed with guys older than me. It started with my older brother's friends, school teachers and eventually guys I chatted with online. Up until this point in my life I have only dated girls and have been hesitant to even consider dating a man. I know if my family and friends found out about me being gay it would change their view on me and I may lose some people from my life which would devastate me. I've been messing around on gay dating apps to feed me curiosity as of lately. I've received hundreds of messages but never reply to any of them. It's not due to me being a snob but if i'm going to invest time in conversing with a guy he has to be someone i'm genuinely interested in and really catches my eye. I found a guy who fit the description one night and sent him a message. I was completely enamored with his looks, he was 26 years old, significantly taller, 6'3, muscular, hairy, covered with tattoos all over, and he also had these killer light blue eyes. We started to chat and I learned besides his looks he was ex military, finishing college, and working a full time job as a waiter. He seemed perfect in every sense to me. Soon into our conversation he wanted to meet up, I blew it off not taking it seriously.The next night we chatted again and I got a little bolder and asked him for his number. We talked on the phone, although it was a little awkward at first we continued chatting for almost 3 hours. Towards the end of our conversation we exchanged nudes and ended up having phone sex. After that I felt disgusted with myself, the reality that I could be gay was setting in and I didn't know how to cope with it. He continued to pursue meeting up, I knew i had reached just about my limit with what I wanted to try and I told him that I hadn't been with a guy and wasn't ready for anything sexual yet. He ended up convincing me that it doesn't have to be sex, we can just watch a movie and cuddle. I agreed to it and we met up. We first went to grab something to eat and went to his place. I felt pretty awkward at first but the situation seemed manageable. As we watched the movie I told him he could get more comfortable if he wanted, he smiled and started cuddling with me. It slowly progressed as time passed and we started to kiss. The kissing turned to making out and I could tell he wanted more but I didn't let it advance. The movie ended and I was ready to leave. We continued kissing and I grabbed the back of his neck in the moment, he took that as a go ahead and we started going at it. He climbed on top of me and started to dry hump me as he pushed my legs apart. I wanted to stop him but I couldn't seem to and let it continue. He began undressing me and gave me a blowjob, I kissed him after and did the same for him. He undressed and after I was done he gave me lotion to lube myself and told me to ride him. It was painful at first, I went to quick and hurt myself. After awhile we switched positions and he put my legs over his shoulders and continued. He ended up coming inside me and after we were done I wanted to run. I asked to use the restroom and cleaned myself as much as possible. I came back to the room, we cuddled and listened to music for awhile and I finally went home. He texted me a few times after to make sure I was okay and I told him I was fine. I wasn't as shaken as I thought I would be but I think I regretted having sex with someone who I wasn't emotionally attached to. We continued to talk and have had sex again multiple times after, but I don't feel like this is what I truly want. He's told me he isn't looking for a relationship and I'm not in a position where I would want to be in one too. I've come to realize that I like talking to him and having someone there for me, but I don't know if i'm interested in men as I thought I was. I'm still getting use to the sex but when we get into it it is really enjoyable. I feel conflicted because growing up I always thought that I was probably going to be gay and I would ultimately going to live my life as a gay man, but now that i've met my self presumed impending reality it doesn't feel right to me. Any advice is appreciated and thank you for reading this far into my story.
