So it's been simmering for while. I've great friends who are all straight and mostly guys. That's part of the problem. Really, I have terrible self-image right now, well for a long time now and I keep feeling worse. I don't know how to deal; I just ignore it. Like I'm overweight. I'm been exercising and eating better went from 260 to 216 over the past year. However, I'm still fat. I'm 5'10 and should be 190 or 180. This contributes to my problem with confidence. I feel ugly. I know i'm technically not ugly. Mostly average. Yet I feel ugly. And I'm a reject in my gay community. Gay ppl don't even talk to me at Lambda meetings. I'm shy but ... yeah. I don't understand why I'm treated like I don't exist by other gays. I can hang out str8 guys all the time, to a much lesser extent str8 girls. But for some reason i have no gay friends. I just feel bad about it. I want someone to talk to about gay stuff and while my best friends is really good with it, he's not gay and it shows. I just feel rejected by the gay community here [especially at the gay bar]. there's a wall between them and me. Why? Some ppl have told me that I need to be louder and more aggressive yet I'm shy but assertive by nature. I'm not a doormat but I'm not a trailblazer. I can't go up to a group of gay ppl and start talking to them. it's so awkward. They just stare or ignore me. A few years ago, i hung out with a really gay crowd. i too shy and self conscious to hang out with guys, especially str8. Now I befriend guys i think are cute and sweet and that's how I got my really good friends that I have now. Yet, I haven't clue how to garner really good gay friends. Picking gay friends like that would probably be awkward. :bang: Any advice? On confidence building or the gay reject?:help::help::help:
I can't help you on the 'how can I find gay friends' question but if already you start working on your self image you will reap the benefits. If you feel good about yourself, you will give off positive vibes and people will want to be around you. Stop looking at the physical side, yeah maybe you are a bit overweight but nothing excessive because you have been dieting and many people like chubby people. Look rather at your personality, you say that you are shy and people ignore you. Maybe you need to change that, find interesting stories or jokes to tell. If you are a shy person by nature (I am too) that can be worked on. No one gay or straight wants to hang round some boring old fart with nothing to say, who never makes you laugh or is always moaning "woe is me woe is me" There are books which can help you with your self esteem and social skills. Give them a go they might make you into a new you.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'm bisexual which means I'm pretty much a gay reject by default. You said people have told you that you need to be loud and aggressive but if you're shy by nature then there's little you can do to change that. Also, you've told us you have issues with confidence. These may be a little tricky to fix, I used to have bad self esteem and I know how hard it is to overcome. You said you feel ugly, but even things like looking in the mirror and telling yourself you aren't ugly can help a little. The more confidence you build, the more you'll give off and people will pick up on that. People tend to gravitate around people who exude confidence. So doing things like telling yourself you are worth it, you aren't ugly, etc can help you build up your confidence.
Thanks for the comments. @Loiuse It's not that I'm ignored by everyone. I have tons of straight friends. I'm shy, but I'm a great listener, and I can be quite entertaining if people allow me too. [I used to be very involved in theatre and less quiet]. It's just, I'm ignored by gay people, wickedly weird. I really don't even get a chance to talk to them. And there is certainly no lack of gay people around here [for some reason ]. Sometimes I ponder acting really femme and campy. I have a hunch that I'd get accepted by other gay people here really quickly [I tried it a couple times. However, it's just not me. Too much work also.] :-S
First things first - Well, done. Shedding 40+ lbs is very good indeed (and a lot more than I've managed in the last year). Are you getting plenty of exercise - 'cos exercise releases endorphins in your brain which will help your mood. As for "should be 190" - it sounds like a realistic target - and you're not too far away from it - if you increase your exercise levels you should reach that in a few months. Don't give up! I don't really have any advice on meeting other gay people - you don't have your age on your profile, so it's difficult to give advice - but do you know if there are any counselling services in your area - which may be able to help you with your self image and confidence. I see you're pretty new here - well, spend some time here - you can always talk to us about anything "gay" - take a look around and get stuck in.
Hi and welcome to EC. You'll be accepted here - everyone is! I have always had body image issues. I'm right about where you are - 216 and I'm 5'11. Not ideal, but hardly grotesque. Just keep working on it - as you have - and you'll probably keep seeing improvement. My advice though - if you're not having luck with the things you're currently doing, stop doing those things. Bars and LAMBDA meetings don't work for you, so don't go. Maybe there are other LGBT groups around that you could try. Toronto has a group called 'Out and Out' and they organize social functions and activities for the gay community. So keep looking, and you'll find your niche. You could also try the personals. I had luck meeting gay friends here by placing an ad on Craigslist (strictly platonic!) that was brutally honest about who I was and what I was looking for. I had quite a few decent responses. One guy I'm still good friends with almost 2 years later - we're going to the movies next weekend. Others I just chat with via email, but it's still been great to be able to find people that could relate to me. Good luck. And again, welcome to EC!
Maybe these people don't really know how to "read" you. Maybe you don't give off the vibes that set off people's gaydar. Know what I mean? You may have to push yourself outside your box to these people to let them know the real you. Maybe you could start with just one person. Go up and start a conversation with them. I've said this before here but people love to talk about themselves. Its easy to go up and start a conversation with somebody by asking them questions and then listening to their responses. It works! Give it a try.
Well, think about this for a minute. Let's say we made twenty clones of you. Then we put all 21 of you in a room. What would happen? ...probably nothing. Is it because your clones are stuck up? No, it's because they're shy and feel awkward talking to people. So they sit around waiting for one of the other ones to make the first move. And none of them do. In a Lambda meeting, obviously, it's a bit different. They're not clones of you - they're different people. And they talk. So what's going on? Well, for one thing, many of them probably already know each other. And it's a lot easier to talk to someone you already know than it is to a complete stranger. If you had a stranger sitting to your left, and a friend to the right, who would you talk most? So there's that. But even the new folks probably get some conversation time. What are THEY doing different? Well, they probably are less shy than you, for one thing - they probably speak more. But beyond that, there's something called "approachability". It's really tough to put your finger on, and it's really tough to "work on". But I'm sure you've met people you felt you could talk to, and others you hoped you wouldn't have to ever talk to. The first group are "approachable", and the next group aren't. And, truth be told, I'm in the second group. People have told me I look cold, unapproachable, stuck-up, haughty, everything. I just do NOT look like someone people want to talk to. So that means it's up to me. I can't wait for someone to come talk to me. I have to go talk to them. And yeah, it's awkward and embarrassing and sometimes hard to do. But if I want it, I gotta go do it. And so I do. Perhaps you do, as well. Lex
Oh, I'm 23. A college student. And I'm not that shy. I'm referring to something different. I'm friendly and slightly outgoing. I simply can't break through to other gay people. I already have many friends, but they are str8. So why not any gay friends? Here's my thought on it: I'm friendly and outgoing [for the most part]. I like hanging around people [I'm an extrovert]. I have a lovely set of friends but I don't have any gay friends. I've seen a lot of cliquishness in this gay community. The only real time I managed to "break through" was when everyone left this summer and people were more open. I'm trying to break through, though I'm reevaluating its worth. I try to visit the only gay club here often, about once a week. I try to attend the Lambda meetings each week. I've tried Criagslist. It showed so success until I mention I was Black. I'm at a loss as to why this is happening. Again, NO problem on the straight spectrum, yet epic failure on the gay side. Sometimes, I think if I was more femme or camped it up a bit I'd be "accepted" by the other gay people here. Yet, that's not exactly what I want. I want to me. I like being me. I just want a gay friend or two. Any venues for meeting new gay people? (After typing this out I kinda don't want to actually be friends with those people...) But how can I over come this problem. I know like two gay people (here). One likes me, which is awkward. And the other was extremely annoying defensive about everything so I stopped being friends with him. Oh and he was "new" (me being the 1st he came out to, but I'm not mean so I introduced him to the another guy I know [who's pretty new too] before ending the friendship) . I want an guy friend that's gay. You know, to guy watch with or just talk with. Yet, I can't apply my current method of making friends (spotting a cute guy and befriending him :icon_wink ) because it's awkward when he's gay (I can't even ask out guys I think are cute and are gay). So what's go method to find gay friends? We have A LOT here. Many I'm hesitant to approach because they're usually in a group or paired with a girl [and I fail at group oriented chatter]. (!)
Oh and when I say I'm totally out I mean I just let people ask me or refer to the ever present rainbow rubber band bracelet on my wrist. I think most people know.
I'm still a bit confuzzled. Let's see if I have it right. You want a friend. Who is gay. Who doesn't "like" you. (that's awkward) Who isn't cute. (that's awkward) Who isn't overly defensive. It seems there's something very specific you're looking for. A guy who's gay but not cute and isn't gonna "weird things out" by falling for you that you can hang out with and talk about gay stuff, I guess. In which case, no, there's no one place you can find them. I've got a few, but I can't say as I went looking for them. They were just guys I met in the ordinary course of things. I don't think there's a specific place or way you can meet somebody that specific. Lex
Simply I want a platonic friendship with another gay guy. He can be cute. etc. I just was saying that was how picked my straight guy friends and how suspect it wouldn't out well with gay guy friends. That's where the problem lies. I want gay guy friends, yet I don't want to "like" them that way and ditto for them. Where can I find regular gay friends? Any venues? Like I said, the meetings and clubs are dead ends basically. And craigslist too. There are many gay people around here though. But I don't know how to approach them. That's where I really need advice. I get nervous. ...blah
Well I'm confused too. Don't YOU consider yourself to be relatively 'normal'? You've been able to make straight friends. Becoming friends with gay guys is no different. I mean - your straight friends ended up friends with a gay guy, didn't they?!? (meaning with you) I would say you're over analyzing this. You'll end up friends with a gay guy if and when you meet one that you like. If you don't, no great loss. If you're relatively happy with your social life and current circle of friends, consider yourself luck, and carry on.
I'm inclined to agree with every point made here, how did you become friends with your current friends? should it be any different with making gay friends?
That's the problem. I actively sought out straight guys that I thought was attractive and would be great bf material. Obviously, there'd be some problems if I applied the same technique to meeting gay friends. Are maybe I'm just stressing out over nothing... I'm literally afraid that I'd have problems with liking someone who's supposed to just be my friend.
