Not sure if this will turn out to be mostly venting, or seeking advice, but of course that's always welcome. Last week I met a guy on #######, we chatted for a while and seemed to really hit it off. He asked me out (which was surprising) so we watched a movie, and it was all very nice. He asked me out to dinner the following day, we did that and some DVDs. This continued for the last week and a half. We would spend hours just holding each other close while watching TV. I had never been so happy in my life, never felt like this about anyone before. I fell for him, and I fell hard. Now, I knew he had a colorful past, that didn't bother me. He expressed interest in a serious relationship, and he knew that I was not going to do any one-nighter. When I was with him, I never felt like he was trying to push me to do anything I didn't want. It was all so lovely, he took me to an operatic at the university, we walked all the way arm-in-arm. But, last night things came crashing down. He knew from the beginning I do not drink--period. But he wanted to take me to a party at a friend's, wanted me to meet some people. He also knew I was not big on parties, and I'm not a night person. I told him more than once I'm usually in bed at 10. But I made an exception in this case, I would have done anything for him. I realize now that my infatuation had me turning a blind eye to the obvious. He is a slut. We picked up his friend to go to the party, and on the way over, they talked about how he and the host used to be "fuck buddies" and other things he did just for fun. I didn't say a word, but felt like I had a knife twisted in my heart. The party was another eye opener. Apparently I was good mostly as a designated driver for him and his friend. Might as well have given me a chauffeur's hat, because he sat in the back seat with his friend for the hour drive home. All the while they talked more about his past "relationships." I just couldn't believe he could be so unfeeling, to think I wouldn't mind hearing about these things. Well, I spent quite a few sleepless hours last night thinking things over. I realize it is mainly my fault for becoming so emotionally invested. I had no idea that he equated making out with a handshake, and sex as just a fun pass time. I certainly can't separate sex from romance/love. I guess the one good thing out of this is that I realized it before I gave him something I could never have back. As for what to do now, I'm not sure. After last night, I just dropped him and his friend off and drove away. I'm not going to call him, he has my number. I like him so much, I know I still have strong feelings for him, and I worry I'll end up going back to him. Though I know that will likely be setting myself up for more heartbreak. :tears:
Ahh Mike. (*hug*) If he does call, you need to be perfectly clear with him and tell him all those stories about past relationships with his friends were very hurtful to you. Maybe he didn't know that it would be. Make sure you also tell him how much you enjoyed the time you have spent together cuddling and holding hands. If he really cares about you, he will listen and understand and not hurt you in the future. If he doesn't listen to you, then you will know its time to move on. He is not the right person for you.
Hi Mike. I'm sorry things turned out the way they did. But better to find out now than later - as you said yourself. When I first came out (to myself and a couple of others) I met someone online as well. We talked on the phone and he was so sweet and insightful and charming - I fell head over heels for him. Lets see... he was 25, I was 36. He didn't have a job, and I'm a senior finance manager in a large corporation. He couldn't pay his rent or buy groceries, while I had purchased my own home and was supporting my wife and kids in their own home. He had a checkered history too - stuff that I turned a blind eye too for a little while. I even 'loaned' him some money - which of course I never saw again. I grew tired of it all eventually and broke it off. He thought we were perfect for each other, and I'd come to my senses. I think it's quite natural, as gay men, to fall VERY HARD for that first person we make a connection with. We've lived our lives NOT feeling that connection, and for a long time not even knowing / understanding why until we realize we're gay. So that first time is overwhelming. I think it's quite typical. Chalk it up to learning. Good things come to those who wait... Who did I eventually end up with? He's 2 years older than I am. He's also a divorced dad with two young kids. He's responsible and caring. He has his kids every other weekend just as I do. He's EXCEPTIONALLY well educated - in fact he's a university professor. He's charming, funny, caring and very loving. (It doesn't hurt that I think he's also incredibly handsome and sexy!) He is PERFECT for me, and I love him with all my heart. I'm glad I got that crush out of the way before I met him. I needed to know what some of those emotions felt like. And now I know what really love feels like. It's pretty amazing. So whatever way you go, don't sweat it. What you've been through is very normal. But it doesn't mean that there aren't guys out there that are more like you or a more suitable match. You just haven't met them yet. Good luck. Hope this helped. It made me feel good if nothing else. Thanks.
Becky and Jim, thank you very much for your replies. Yes, I think I will take what I can learn from this, definitely not a mistake I want to make again. At this point, I don't care if he even calls. I think it will just dredge up those emotions all over again. I don't expect he even has the slightest idea what he said hurt me. He said he wanted someone who was emotionally available, yet he himself is quite oblivious. I know it would be folly to try and continue on, he's still very much in the college-frat-boy mindset. I doubt it would ever have worked out.
eeep... bad times lemme play devil's advocate for a second though... In fairness, we are all different, and most people have a bit of a wild side. What I like in my friends is totally different to what I find attractive, and maybe he was just talking about his past to his friend, because it's inappropriate to talk to you about it. He may even be trying to make you a bit jealous because he likes you I think your reaction is a little over emotional, I mean everyone is entitled to a past, and going by the limited info available it doesn't sound like he's "cheated" on you. None the less if your attitude towards sex is vastly different to his then you never would have been compatible. If i were you, when he gets in touch, without being hostile just explain that you felt a bit upset and why, and see what happens. If however you don;t want anything to do with him, then i guess you'll be feelin sucky unfortunately you'll just have to let time heal the wounds hope it all works out x
I agree, he didn't cheat on me, and I never held his past against him. What he did was his business. But if you were going out with someone, would you go on and on about all the previous people you've slept with? I may be too emotional about it, but I really liked him (and I still do, honestly), and I thought we had something. It was a real eye opener to find out I was just another warm body to him. Just found out he doesn't even remember me driving him home, so don't expect he even knows I was upset. If he calls, I wasn't going to be a bitch about it. I'm afraid, though, that I will end up going back to him, and I know that will only be setting me up for more heartbreak. I think that's why I'm so upset, because I don't want to leave him, but I know I have to.
