Help

Hi ShadyTilIDie87. I think one of the main things is to figure out (or tell us) why you want to tell your husband.

- Do you want to tell him just so he knows you better and you think he deserves to?
- Or do you want to tell him because you hope to get something out of it: a separation, an open relationship, a threesome?

Another thing is, why do you say you're confused? Are you confused about your orientation?

Knowing that, it could be easier to give you advice. You haven't really said much here. Try not to stress it too much, though. You're on the right forum for help.

 

Ah, all right. That's another can of worms, then. It's not really coming out to your husband, it's also bringing up the possibility of an open relationship. Telling a partner you want to open up the relationship is difficult because you don't want to hurt the other person, but how do you tell them you want to have sex with someone else without making them feel like they're inadequate and "not enough for you"?

I'd say the most important thing is that opening a relationship can't fix it, if the relationship isn't good and fulfilling to begin with. You sound like you love your husband and I hope that won't be a problem, but I thought it was worth mentioning anyway.

You're probably going to have to test the waters first, if you've never mentioned the possibility of an open relationship before. If there's a TV show with characters in an open relationship, or a movie, you might want to "accidentally" watch it with your husband, and then use that to prompt a discussion on non-monogamous relationships and see how he reacts, what he thinks about them. Some people are very against any form of non-monogamy and view it as infidelity. You could also talk about the threesome you had, since you've said you don't know if he loved it. Just say you happened to be thinking about it and bring it up like any other past moment you two have shared.

If he doesn't seem completely against open relationships in general, then you can maybe mention your fantasies of being with a woman to him. I don't want to generalize, but some straight men find the idea of two women together exciting, so you could introduce the idea as part of your "sexy talk," if you will, and again, see how he reacts.

If and when you do talk to him about opening your relationship, make sure to tell him that he's the one you love, that you still want him, and you want the life you two have together, and nothing is going to change that -- provided, of course, you do feel that way. It's important to reassure him, because he may feel destabilized and like he's suddenly not fulfilling you.

And know that this is a decision you two have to make together, and if he's not cool with it, then the relationship is going to have to stay closed.

 

If he doesn't agree, then you have to decide what's more important to you: your desire to be with a woman, or your marriage. You can't honestly and fairly have both if he doesn't agree.

 

I'm glad it went well for you.