So, I just found out my dad is gay.

It is, isn't it?

Welcome to EC! I'm Lex, one of the advisors here. I've never been in your position (I'm gay, out of the closet for two decades, and my father is straight), but I can certainly lend an ear, and try to answer any questions you might have.

Lex

 

I think that it must be really hard for him. I actually made myself depressed trying to convince myself that I am straight and I'm depressed now because I have to hide my sexuality to avoid getting harassed at school for it. I'm not in a situation that is very similar to your father's but I do know that it isn't easy to hide such a big part of you. It must be very hard for him to feel like he has to hide it from his friends and loved ones.

Do you mind if I ask why your mom told you? And why doesn't your dad know that you know?

 

I'm glad to hear that you're accepting. I also think that it's great that you have a good enough relationship with your mom that she knows that she can trust you and talk to you about something that is so important.

Does your dad know that you "have a soft spot for LGBT's"? For me, I was nervous about coming out to my best friend and my mom and older sister even though I was pretty sure that they would be accepting because nobody had discussed homosexuality or said that it would be fine if I was gay. You might be able to let him know that without letting on that you know and that will probably make him feel less worried about it. He still might not want to tell you because it is one thing to have a gay friend, and another to have a gay father who is married to your mother.

Thanks. I do have people that I can be myself with, but it is so stifling having to go to school 5 days a week with people I know wouldn't like me if I came out. It's hard not to get bogged down with all the negativity surrounding homosexuality. I think the worst part for me is looking at a happy couple and thinking that I can't have that yet; I can't have a boyfriend while I'm at school and I can't get married in my state even if I had someone I loved and loved me back.

 

As a recently out guy that has raised 2 terrific step-sons (now 35 & 37) I feel confident telling you that it was a terrible torture for me life in the closet. Now that I'm out, my kids aren't really sure what to do, or what to think. They are concerned for their mom, as am I, they are conflicted because they love me, but don't know if they should anymore, because I'm 'not who they thought I was...' It is really scary for a parent to tell the kids. We fear rejection as much as the next guy.

In addition, we're having to deal with the loss of our 'straight' identity and need time and space to grieve through it. For me it was like being ripped into pieces. I'm now happier than I've ever been and wouldn't trade my life for anything.

Love your dad and make sure he knows that you love him unconditionally. Express to him that you appreciate him and all he's done for you. Sometimes we (the parents) don't get that enough from our kids. Once he is comfortable with who he is and knows you won't reject him, he'll talk to you.
(&&&), Tim

 

I'm glad to hear that you are accepting of your dad.

I would like to reiterate the point that he needs time to become comfortable with this. I'm sure after he does it would be wiling to talk to you about it.

I can't imagine what someone who is married with kids is going through. I'm in my late twenties and single and it has turned my world upside down. To be honest I'm not sure if I could talk to anyone in real life about this right now. Talking on an anonymous internet forum is hard enough. It is getting close to 3 weeks since I came out to my self and I am just now starting to get my sense of identify back. Tonight I was working on one of my hobbies and for a few minutes I felt like myself again. I'm starting to understand that all the other parts of myself are still there.

The reason I mention this is because you might notice your dad acting a little different. He may seem distant, respond oddly to questions, might get upset easily, might not want to do things he normally does. I've noticed this things in myself lately. Try not to let it bother you and know that it is not your fault.

 

i can't imagine how odd this must feel for you.
you obviously love your dad and he is lucky to have a daughter like you.
as others have said, just let him know how much you love him and that nothing could change that.
It's a little differnet i know but thats the reason i told my parents i was gay, because i knew they would love me regardless.

Your mum must be an amazing woman! to be able to deal with all this and still stay friends with him, live in the same house still!
Just make sure that he knows that he has you and your mum right beside him and that you love him. Thats pretty much all you can do, let him "come out" to you if he pleases but don't take it badly if he doesnt.
i love my sister dearly but i havent told her simply coz i have a pretty irrational fear of losing her love.

im probably not telling you anythiung u don't know, just reinforcing it.

your dad is quite lucky to have such an understanding daughter.

do you know how long your dad has been "out" to himself?

 

First of all, can I just say how great you're being about the situation. It may be difficult and a bit strange, but it seems you are making the best of it. I concur that your dad probably needs all the support he can get, what with the churches around and such, and the support of those closest to you is always the most meaningful. Your mom appears to be doing the same and I applaud her for that.

Unfortunately, neither I nor anyone else has found a "cure" for homosexuality, and I don't think we will. Marriage, therapy or "pray away the gay" programs do absolutely nothing for a person. Even "Ex-gays" can admit that the feelings haven't gone away and they just abstain from them. It can be a very unhappy thing to deny what we are, but at the end of the day, your dad has come to terms with it, and has his family supporting him.

 

I have just been through the situation you mention from the other side. I have struggled (and refused to admit) with my gay status for 40 years, including 25 years of marriage. The longer you wait, the more painful it gets to come out. When you are seventeen, you are worried about parents' and friends' reactions. When one gets to the age of your father and me, we need to take into consideration the impact on spouses and children. As my wife recently said, she does not want to be a freak, pointed out as "that poor woman, do you know that her husband... and yet they remain together... how does she... and the children..." and all the other gossip and rumour.
I have a lot of sympathy for your dad. Consider that he probably does not want you to know, so you probably do not want to let on - you will only embarrass him. My children are about your age (22 and 23), my son knows, my daughter does not due to other problems she needs to wrestle with. Talking to my son about this was traumatic for both of us and opened up a number of questions for him that he had never considered (e.g. how does he know that he is not gay?)
I have posted a number of thoughts in my blog on this website regarding religion, marriage and homosexuality if you are interested in reading them. I really wish I could talk to you, to your mum, to your dad and give you a hug.(&&&)

 

Olivia, your Dad is so lucky to have you and your mother in his life! Everybody has already given you some great advice and support. I don't have anything to add. I just want to tell you that we are glad you are here and I hope you all can find a way to be happy through all of this.

 

>>>How do you feel about people that are secretly gay? In the instance that, coming out is out of the question and they decide to stay married. They don't even tell their children or closest friends. I'm sure this is an unhappy life, but how do you think they could continue to live that way, but still be secure in themselves. Is that even possible?

In general, I just think it's kind of sad. It doesn't preclude him living a happy productive life elsewhere, but it is forcing himself to live contrary to his programming. That said, I can understand it a lot more in somebody like your father. If he's been married forty years, he's at least in his late fifties, which means he probably first realized he was gay in the late 60s or early 70s. And to put it simply, homosexuality wasn't really accepted much at all in those times, even in the more liberal parts of the country. There were some gay "enclaves" in San Francisco et al, but they tended to be very isolated places, with very specific "gay types" - the flamboyant artist, for instance. If your father saw those and felt that he didn't "fit in" with those types, it's perhaps not surprising he chose to go along with what society expected of him.

And although I don't think I really need to say this, I will anyway. Your dad's homosexuality doesn't mean he loves you any less, or even your mother any less. As pointed out, his feelings for your mother are probably a lot more platonic than in most straight couples, but that doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. And gay people love their kids the same as straights do.

Should you confront your father with the fact that you know? I don't think so. But if you'd like, you might want to tell your mother that you found this website. We might be able to give some support and/or suggestions to her, and if she feels we might help, she could tell your dad about it, as well.

Lex

 

I recently had a minister e-mail me anonymously who lives here in my town. He is married with children. He refers to himself as having "same-sex attraction" and has acted on it more than once during his marriage of 40 years. He refuses to leave his wife and live his life authentically even though its resulted in numerous suicide attempts. He says he only lives for the "next event" like his son or daughters' wedding and then his life moves in a downward spiral again. I felt so bad for him but there was absolutely nothing I could do to help this guy. BTW, he has also told his wife but not his children.

I wonder how you perceive your dad's mental health? Do you think he is suicidal or depressed? Or do you think he's perfectly happy living this closeted life?

 

Hi there, and welcome to EC from Jim in Toronto.

I'm 37, was married for 9 years, and have two daughters - now aged 5 and 7. I can understand where your dad is coming from. Telling more people only makes it more real for him - it becomes harder and harder to deal with or deny when more and more people around him are aware of his situation. I needed to come out very slowly, and in some respects was even forced to deal with it by my wife.

What helped me? Therapy. Having a supportive, open, understanding, unbiased counsellor to talk to was invaluable to me. I saw him twice a week for the first little while to talk about things. I also found EC, which I found to be extremely helpful. I learned that gay people came from all walks of life, all parts of the world, were all ages with all kinds of life experiences and in all stages of coming 'out'.

Your dad sounds like he is depressed. He probably doesn't see how he can continue living the way he is. The longer he agonizes over it and the more time that passes since admitting this to your mom, the more difficult it is for him to ignore and carry on with life. That was my experience.

But I couldn't see a future for myself. I didn't see the point. I quite literally hated myself - and that's a horrible way to live your life. But my wife insisted on separation, and that forced me to move on. And I'm very thankful that I did move on. I slowly came to terms with my orientation. I continued with therapy. I started on medication for depression. I got in touch with a support group for gay dads (because this is more common than I ever imagined! I've read that 29% of gay men have been married to a woman). Through that support group I met another gay dad that had recently left his wife. We became friends. We eventually became partners. And NOW I understand what love really is, and I've NEVER been happier.

Everyone will cope with this situation differently. What worked for me won't necessarily work for your dad. But I'd certainly be willing to talk to him. Or to you. I know how painful and lonely a place he's in right now, and I hate the thought of anyone being there and feeling like they're alone in this world. He's also likely feeling that he has disappointed his family, and ruined their lives. Your mom sounds like she's being as positive as she can be. Your ongoing support will also be important.

Again, if you want to chat more, just let me know. As another advisor here, I can receive private messages.

Thanks for finding this site for the benefit of your dad. You're a great daughter.

 

You're a sweet and supportive daughter. I'm also married and have three sons. I came out at 46, I felt scared and so alone. Your dad is feeling alot of self-hatred and pain now. He needs to know you love him and you're there for him. He doesn't have to know that you know. Just tell him you love him no matter what and nothing will ever change that. Good luck and God bless you. Alan

 

Although probably not necessary, I will join to the chorus of previously married, gay dads. I am over 40, previously married, and I have kids. It speaks very highly of you that you sought out this website. Your dad will need to feel plenty of unconditional love and support from those around him. I won’t repeat what others above have said, other than to say I agree with all of their comments. It is very hard for a married father to accept that he is gay and then deal with the ramifications of that realization on his entire life. There will be a long transition period for your parents as they cope with this and figure out how to move forward. For me, the most important realization was that there is nothing wrong with being gay. It is part of who I am, just as my hair color, height, etc. are part of me. I was born this way and will always be this way. Your dad will eventually need to accept this in order to move forward. Once he does, I think you will see his mood lift and your dad become much happier than he has ever been. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help you and your family.

 

Hey Olivia, lots of advice has already been given, so i just wanted to say that you are a great person and a clearly a wonderful daughter

Just be there for your Dad when he needs you to be there

All the best
Nathan