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I really don't know what to do - any advice?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by xlostboyx, Apr 30, 2015.

  1. xlostboyx

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Rotterdam (The Netherlands)
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm sorry if you can't understand me... This is not my first language:confused:
    Maybe someone could give me some advice ... :eusa_doh:
    so... hi :rolle:

    I'm a boy, almost 16 and I know for sure that I'm gay.
    I'm in the closet for (almost) everyone I know I'm a really nice, funny and caring person but I don't have many friends. My only 'friends' are some fellow students from my school.
    My parents broke up when I was young and I live with my mom now but I see my dad regularly. He has a new wife and a new child: my little sister - my everything - .

    I really don't know what to do.. My dad and his wife are anti-gay and my mom dislikes gay people to (she doesn't hate them I think but she never talks positive about them). I'm scared to lose my little sister if I'd tell my dad and his wife about my sexuality. And his wife said to me a few months ago that she would kick her daughter (my little sister) out of the house if she would be gay. My stephmother is very religious by the way...

    And uhm yeah ... the people who know that I am gay are not my friends. I told one 'friend' and she didn''t kept it a secret. So I have to do things for the people who know it to protect my secret. It's a really bad situation, but I can't do anything about it. Everyone at my school thinks that I'm gay and I'm bullied everyday too. Even some teachers act weird around me and bully me... and to set the record straight I'm just a normal boy, there's nothing weird about me. But I can't tell this stuff at home because then my mom will find out that I'm gay.

    And yeah the problem is.. my little sister and my mom are the only things I have left and I can't lose them both. :icon_sad: + I don't want the bullying to get even worse.

    But what do you guys think? Should I come out and don't give a shit (cuz it's my own happiness) or keep it a secret for like forever? Sorry if you didn't understand anything from this :grin: but... Thank you so much already ♥
     
  2. sedgeling

    Full Member

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    It's hard to give advice, since I don't know the extent of the homophobia in your family, but I would have to say that maybe waiting until you're financially independent is the better option. When you're on your own, you don't have to worry about being kicked out. Besides, it gives the parent space to process the news, which could be helpful. However, ultimately, you can't really predict what they will do in response to you coming out.

    It's a possibility you may not be allowed to see your sister, and that is a consequence you definitely have to weigh when making this decision. Your happiness is important, but only you can really determine what that happiness means. Maybe you never tell your dad and maintain a relationship with your sister until she's old enough to see you regardless of him, or maybe you think that telling him is worth the risk. It's your call. Just note that, depending on your family dynamic, your mom knowing might get back to your dad. But I'd say that possibility relies on what you know about their frequency of talking and such.

    I can't tell you to come out or not to come out. It's your call. You know what the possible risks are, and it's your job to assess them and choose. Because it's easy to just say, "well I'll just come out and not give a shit," but in reality you really, really do. Wanting the approval of our parents is natural of children, and it's part of why coming out to family is hard. We don't want to disappoint them.

    As far as the bullying from people around you, I really encourage you to explore resources in your school and community that may be available. I know you say that there are teachers bullying you, and that is something that should be dealt with by the administration. If your school cares, regardless of personal beliefs, they shouldn't be allowing teachers to abuse the kids. There are probably organizations meant to help LGBT youth in your area, and it would be a good idea to try and find them. The Netherlands is one of the most progressive countries as far as LGBT rights goes. I'm certain that there is something for you to find, and finding that support system outside of your family can be really helpful.

    And even us at EC can help be a part of that support system. Feel free to PM me about stuff if you like. We're here to be nonjudgmental and offer you the best advice that we can. It's not a perfect situation, but sometimes we have to make the best of things. Just know that nothing is wrong with you, and that your situation is rough, but you just have to make the most of what you have, and there are people here who want things to improve for you.
     
  3. Yossarian

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Since the people at your school consider you to be gay, there is no point in making it official and causing yourself more problems, unless you have counselors at the school whom you can complain to about the teachers who are bullying you; no student should have to put up with teachers bullying them. Your parents should be the ones complaining with you, but you have a problem with that working correctly if you cannot come out to them, because they are effectively bullying you too, when they talk trash about homosexuals in general.

    Sometimes there are no good answers to the "should I come out" question. We certainly do not know how your parents would react towards you if you come out to them. We can tell you how they SHOULD act, and there is PFLAG literature available online to explain to them what their role should be. But, it is up to you to decide whether or not they would be reasonable if you should come out to them. They might act one way if you approach them crying and upset and despondent and obviously in distress, and another way if you tell them "I'm here and I'm queer; deal with it". You have to decide how you think they would react, and whether the risk of an adverse attitude towards you is worth taking at the present time. (*hug*)
     
  4. Billy the kid

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You should come out only when your ready. You sound like a good guy who has a good head on your shoulders. I think you should wait until you are able to move out on your own if you had to. You should not keep it a secret for the rest of your life though. You are gay and that is a part of who you are and you should be proud of that . I kept it a secret and I regret it, I only wish I could go back to your age and come out. Are you planning on going to college? Find one with a good LGBT community and make some friends there. Maybe there is someone you can find that was in a similar situation that you can talk to? I hope this helped a little. You will get through this, it may take some time but just try and be strong. Just remember there are people that care about you, find them and surround yourself with them. Let me know how you are doing with this, and by the way your English was pretty good!