call off the wedding

You've GOT to tell her...sooner rather than later! If you marry this girl,it will be unfair to both of you. Many people have made the mistake that getting married , to the opposite sex, will make them straight. It just doesn't work that way. You know where your thoughts and feelings truly lie. Please...do the right thing,before you destroy two lives,by trying to live a lie. Good luck. Mickey*

 

If you're not sure how to tell her, how about giving her a letter with what you've just written inside? Because, it's a very thoughtful and well-expressed piece of writing, it expresses your situaton perfectly, and if my boyfriend gave that to me, although I'd be suprised and sad, it would reassure me that a. he did love me and b. it wasn't all just an act.

And I would agree that if you're sure this is how you feel, the longer you leave it the more tortured you will feel and the worse she'll take it when it finally comes.

 

Having made the choice to ignore my sexuality, get married, become seriously depressed, get divorced after a long time and only then finally accept that I was gay and begin to live a happy, fulfilling life, I recommend you deal with it now. If you are gay, there is no way the feelings you are having will go away, even if you get married and have kids. You will wind up very unhappy, and coming out in your forties will be much more complicated than at the stage you are in.

Many of us have gone through the exact same thing you are dealing with now. While I know it is hard and may sound horrible to you, it really is not. There is nothing wrong with being gay, and at some point, if you are gay, you will need to come to terms with it. EC is a great place to get support and advice to help you through that process.

 

How can you be sure? For me, I always knew but chose to repress it. I knew when I was looking at guys and thinking how hot they were. I knew when I was admiring guys’ bodies. I knew when I was in high school all the other guys had girlfriends, or were pursuing them, and I was simply going through the motions without any real desire. I knew when I fantasized about guys when I masturbated. I was finally certain of it the first time a kissed a man.

Surprisingly, despite all of the above obvious signs, I asked the same question. My therapist said something that made a lot of sense - how could I know until I tried it? Well, I have tried it, and as Katey Perry said, I liked it.

I suggest you think about what turns you on. Do you do any of the above? If so, you are likely at least bisexual. However, until you explore it further, you may not know with certainty.

 

Tell her how you feel-in person, on the phone, in a letter, whatever.
You don't need to tell her you're gay, as if you've known that all along, but telling her her you need to figure it out is really important.

Don't do what some of us have done and drag it out for years and to hurt her even more, as well as putting yourself through hell in the process.

Better to be truthful now despite the discomfort and let her chose whether to ride out the storm or sail off into her own sunset.

 

I agree with the guys above. Tell her soon. You don't need to tell her that it's absolutely over if you don't want to. You don't need to tell her that you've figured it out if you haven't. But you should be totally honest with her - it will make things easier in the long run - whether you stay together or don't.

It was just after high school that I started to fantasize about being with other guys. But I didn't ever think I was gay... not sure why. I got married, had kids, and was depressed on many occasions. It wasn't a phase. It didn't go away. If you're pretty sure you like guys, then you do.

We're here to help any way we can - but primarily by sharing our own experiences.

 

I can so relate to you...
I'm in the 3rd Semester of a Nursing program (late life career upgrade) and picked the absolute hardest time to come out to my family.

Honestly. before I came out to them I was stressed out about feeling I needed to, now that its done, I'm partially relieved and the other part is really distracted because now I have the freedom to actually be me (and I want to get out there and do it!), but a few weeks left in this semester, so I have to buckle down and focus....

I know, probably not that helpful to you, but I think the point is, it doesn't really matter if you tell her today or next week, or over winter break....just do it sooner-than-later. The longer you lead her on, the worse it will be, trust me.
Tim

 

By all means, don't marry her! And I favor telling her sooner rather than later, so she doesn't have to face the truth right at the time when she thinks things are going to advance.

 

I didn't have a girlfriend, but I came out to my parents a few weeks before Christmas which was also right around the time that semester was wrapping up with finals and such. A brother was off to the military and my grandfather was pretty much on his deathbed.

The sentiments in your posts are similar to the way I was feeling, despite the differences in our situations. I had to account for the feelings of all these people around me, and to "drop a bomb" on them at the time seemed selfish and unreasonable, but the decision to address what was bothering me with some intention/plan of making life easier tomorrow was paramount and completely necessary to become as content as I am today.

I no doubt stacked another stressor on others' minds that season, but if I hadn't, the amount of time with things left unsaid and unaccounted-for would have taken a much bigger toll on my own health and well-being, as well as my parents'.

Honesty is your best friend here, I think. All the confusion over what to do that you have shown here is what you should tell her. Your thoughts on the matter don't seem concrete, so what you say shouldn't set anything in stone either.

 

Call it off don't be an ass
Fuck
You can't do that
Thats WRONG

 

Timing is up to you. You'll tell her when the pain associated with NOT telling her exceeds the pain you expect to incur by telling her.

I didn't really have any choice in the timing. You do. Keep your own well being in mind too.

 

You must tell her. I was married for 26 years before I told my wife. It is not easier. I have always remained faithful, do not want a divorce, but need to accept that I am gay. At this point, our lives are very difficult because of that. Sexually, everything has come to a complete zero. I am not too keen on cheating on my wife for the first time, she knows she is only second best and does not want me to touch her anymore. One of our children has accepted, the other does not yet know.
Being married does not change your sexuality. You do not "get over it", you just get more miserable... Your girlfriend may believe that she will alter you once you are married, she will not. You may think that she will not change over time, she will.
Please be honest with her before it is too late, and plead that she be honest with you.

 

That's a tough distinction to make if the difference in your feelings isn't clear enough. I used to be able to tell when I was "trying" to like women. I gave up because it felt natural to think about men.

Sexually, it wasn't difficult to know the direction of my attraction, but making the choice to live my life based on this was. I really believe it's possible for me to love a woman, but I know I would not be able to communicate the intimacy I so readily feel for men. I would not be sexually attracted to her, and that would impair my ability to provide that intimacy.

I think I'm on the edge of sounding like my life-decisions on this are entirely sex based, so I'll go ahead and say that for me, there is a link between sex and love, and to have one without the other creates (has created before!) a huge (painful) divide in me.

 

i know what you mean and all i can say is that yes ok your sexualy attracted to men just like me but you in love emotionaly with her i broke up with my last girl friend because i realized i was gay but i regret it because im still emotionaly in love with her and i would rather be with her and have sex with her because with her because i love her so all i can say is make sure when you do it that your ready to just be friends and see her date other guys and all that but at the same time if your ready to stay with her make sure that you can have sex with her and be able to handle not having sex with guys and if you feel straight when your with her maybe you should wait untill you can be together all the time so you can really find out your feelings. i know how you feel exactly this happened to me of coarse i am younger but that doesn't mean i know any less about love

 

Does she turn you on? Do other women turn you on? Think about who you check out when they walk by you? girls or guys? Or what type of porn turns you on? It's brash, but the penis doesn't lie. If it's both then the only thing you might have to do is tell her you're attracted to guys also. If you feel you might be gay with no attraction to girls, then you probably are, and will need to break it off.

Just try not to confuse having a best female friend that you have sex with with being in love with a woman you want to possibly spend the rest of your life with. It's easy to confuse an extreme fondness and admiration for a girl with having feelings for her that go beyond friendship. I still feel that way about a few girls I know; they're funny, smart, cool as hell, and insanely hot, but I know it's nothing I could ever make work no matter how hard I try, and it sucks. Especially when I wish I could be attracted to someone based on their personality and not what's in their jeans, but it doesn't work that way. (except for pansexuals, those lucky bastards)

 

I hear where you're coming from. But I'm not sure that feeling ever goes away. Please don't count on that. I don't think you'd have ever had it if it wasn't legitimate and something that was very much a part of you. Can you live with it? The fact that you've come as far as joining a gay support forum suggests to me that this is bothering you quite a bit already - and my fear would be that it's only going to get worse.

Honesty in a relationship is a good thing. I don't think something this important should go unsaid. Society is so secretive about sex that it doesn't ever get discussed, even between spouses! My wife never asked me if I watched gay porn - before or after we were married - and I never told her. Would it have given her rise to question my sexuality, even if I wasn't prepared to do that? Perhaps. But by NOT talking about it I was able to deny it for over 8 years. But then I got caught, and had to admit that I did sometimes watch gay porn. And after al that time, having kept it a secret, it gave her reason to be suspicious and a little hurt. When the whole sordid truth came out (that I'd cheated on her with other men) it was a horrible blow that took her months to get over.

So if you can't tell your potential spouse about this part of you, then it's likely something that you really need to tell your potential spouse about. Does that make sense?

Again - you don't have to tell her right now. You can wait. But given the opportunity, I'd have been MUCH more open about my sexuality with my wife before we were married.

Good luck.