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Coming out- this time, as straight

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by pointofnoreturn, May 4, 2015.

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  1. pointofnoreturn

    pointofnoreturn
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    I'll keep this short: I love a girl who doesn't and will never love me, and I want to marry and have kids, so... I need to go back to being straight.:help: :icon_sad: :bang:
     
    #1 pointofnoreturn, May 4, 2015
  2. MetalRice

    MetalRice
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    You can't go back to being straight, you either are straight or your not; and if your not there's nothing you can do about it. As hard as that may sound.
     
    #2 MetalRice, May 4, 2015
  3. Chiroptera

    Chiroptera
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    Hey,

    You are really, really young, and, as hard as it sounds, there are many girls out there. Don't give up, you can find a lady that will love you back!
     
    #3 Chiroptera, May 4, 2015
  4. atoadaso

    atoadaso Guest

    You can marry & have kids AND be queer. It isn't just for the straights. Unrequited love can't permanently change your sexuality, either.
     
    #4 atoadaso, May 4, 2015
  5. sartorious

    sartorious
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    arfff
    i want to say that those two thing you mention are sort of un-related...
    you dont have to be "straight" if your aim is just to have kids.
    i believe that in your place you can marry a girl and still have kids by adoption or finding a sperm donor...

    sexuality can be fluid for some people and may be as solid as a rock for the others. It depends on yourself

    you said you NEED TO GO BACK AS STRAIGHT?

    being straight means you only attracted exclusively to the opposite sex, but i'm pretty sure you already know that. (in my personal definition straight is from kinsey 0 to 1)

    ask yourself these question?
    1. is this just some sort of self hating reaction?
    2. am i going to be happy spending the rest of my life with a person from opposite sex?

    if you think you are not in self hating state AND you can be happy and have a fulfilling relationship with the opposite sex than go for it.

    there are a lot of girls out there that willing to love you unconditionally, you just have to find the right person.

    anyway thats my opinion. Please ignore if you find this irrelevant
    have a good day
    arfff
     
    #5 sartorious, May 4, 2015
  6. pointofnoreturn

    pointofnoreturn
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    I'm not in a self hating state, but I know that any happiness I would achieve with a man would be settling for it, you know? With her, though... I've never been so happy in my life, even when I had crushes on/ was attracted to guys; now, regardless of gender, I don't see other people because they're not her. I could meet some girl tomorrow who would show interest and be perfect for me; assuming I accepted her attentions, even she couldn't compare.
    And, on a personal level, I don't believe in artificial insemination; my house is a Christian one, and I will not deny God...so I must deny my own heart. It won't be all that bad, seeing as how other women have done so before me.
     
    #6 pointofnoreturn, May 4, 2015
  7. absvrdity

    absvrdity Guest

    You can't go back to being straight. As MetalRice said, it's either you're straight or you're not. You can still marry and have kids while being [I'm going to assume] lesbian. Science has gotten so advanced... I'm not going to go into detail with that since it's a lot of writing, but it's all possible.

    It's not good to deny your attraction to people the same gender. There are more people out there.

    Look, whatever you do, don't "go back to being straight" if you aren't attracted to men. From the looks of it, you're chasing love in a way when love needs to find you.
     
    #7 absvrdity, May 4, 2015
  8. Chiroptera

    Chiroptera
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    patd4ever is right, don't deny your true self. If you are bisexual, of course, you can be happy with a man too, but, if you are only attracted to women, it is pointless to lie to yourself about being straight. You may even suceed convincing yourself that you are straight, but, in a long term, you will find yourself unhappy.

    There are many stories about LGBT people trying to convince themselves that they are straight, to please society, to please religion (although it depends a lot on the point of view, because there are lots of religious people that are LGBT, many here in the forum!) or for other reasons, but they end up hurting themselves and those around them.

    I know it seems hard, it seems that this girl is the only one you could ever fall in love it, but, trust me, many of us (me, included) have felt that way, and there are plenty of girls out there that may give you the happiness you seek.

    As i said, if you are bisexual, you could live a happy life with a man, without problem. But, if you aren't attracted to men, don't trick yourself into that.

    Hugs (*hug*)
     
    #8 Chiroptera, May 4, 2015
  9. MetalRice

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    You may not know it - but it will be bad, you can't just change your sexuality, your either one thing or another, denying your heart and forcing yourself to date and (presumably) sleep with men when that isn't what you heart truly wants will only hurt you more then you can even imagine; denying your heart is never a good thing to do.
     
    #9 MetalRice, May 4, 2015
  10. DragKing692

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    You can't force yourself to be straight. From a girl who's had friends with this issue, tricking yourself into being straight is a dangerous path to go down. Please, consider the consequences of holding back your real self. It's hard, and sad, and depressing. Don't do this. I hope I've helped, and if I've sounded like a jerk I'm sorry. But just give it a thought.
    Best wishes,
    Bernie
     
    #10 DragKing692, May 4, 2015
  11. pointofnoreturn

    pointofnoreturn
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    For all of you concerned with the consequence of denying it, let me put it in perspective: my mother, when we discussed it previously, asked me if I would spend the rest of my life pining for her; of course I said no, but I know that's not true.
    She is my love. She is, and even though I know I will love/care for others, none of them will compare to her regardless of whether or not they reciprocate.
    I want to marry her and bear her children and build a life with her. Truly, I mean that from the deepest part of myself; there seems to be a misconception that because I'm young I don't know what love is, but I do.
    Since I can't though, I have to consider my options. Either I spend my life alone out of loyalty to her- which I've considered, by the way- or I marry a nice guy with similar interests and have kids, kids who I've promised to love regardless of my own situation.
    My mother also said she was disappointed because I wouldn't be able to marry or have children; I wouldn't just be doing it for myself.
     
    #11 pointofnoreturn, May 4, 2015
  12. Chiroptera

    Chiroptera
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    I'm not saying you wouldn't love your kids or do your best to be a good mom. On the contrary, we have good examples here of people who come out after being married with kids, and they still love their kids.

    However, sooner or later you would realize you are lying to yourself, and to your husband too, and then it would be harder (not impossible, as we see here in the forum) to seek happiness from there.

    Also, i do not understand how it is different to marry a man or a woman, in this situation.

    You would be able to marry, and you can have children.
    I'm not saying you need to be selfish, but this is about you, not others. You don't need to live the rest of your life in unhappiness just to please others.

    I don't doubt you know what love is, but what we mean by age is that you will meet more people in your life, and you will realize that she isn't the "love of your life". And, as much as she may be a great person, you don't need to live an unhappy life in "loyalty" to her. There is nothing wrong in marrying another woman and being happy.

    I know it is hard to forget someone you love (again, i don't doubt you love her).

    I just broke up with an amazing guy, i've been with him for 1 year, trust me, i know what is like to feel like you have the perfect person for you, and you just can't be with him/her. But i know that, as much as i still love him, there are other guys (or women, because i'm bisexual) out there that i will love and i will be able to be happy with.

    And, in respect to my ex, i will live a happy life. Because i know that, even if we can't be together, he likes me enough to want me to be happy with another person, and i want him to be happy with another person.

    It isn't easy for me to say this, seriously, but, in respect to the person i love, i will live a happy life.

    I hope you can understand my point. I don't think i can add much more here, i've even taken a personal example.

    Whatever you decide to do, please, make sure you will be personally satisfied and happy for the rest of your life. Don't try to live a life of lies, for whatever reason.

    Hugs, wish you the best (*hug*)
     
    #12 Chiroptera, May 4, 2015
  13. MetalRice

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    Look, I don't mean to sound rude when I say this; but please stop thinking this and don't deny what you heart wants. Not being able to have the woman you love may hurt you tremendously - I get that - but denying who you are (presumably lesbian, based on your posts) and forcing yourself to go and have a relationship with a man when you aren't attracted them is not going to help the situation at all, as your not only going to hurt yourself emotionally and mentally by denying what your heart truly wants (women), but you'll be using and stringing along any guy you meet and date since your forcing yourself to be with him when you don't want too; and you'll be setting any theoretical kids you have up for disaster when you reach the point of being unable to live the lie anymore.

    Your heart may hurt right now, but that does not mean you need to potentially ruin your and others lives by doing so. There are plenty of women out there, someone you may be truly meant to be with may be out there, who knows?, but you'll never find out and you'll never be able to live a normal life if you do something drastic like this; your only setting yourself and others up for long term hurt.
     
    #13 MetalRice, May 4, 2015
  14. Luvme4me

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    You can not suddenly, be straight. Maybe you are bi? There are places where marriage is allowed, and you can get pregnant some other way or adopt. :slight_smile:
     
    #14 Luvme4me, May 4, 2015
  15. Invidia

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    I cannot say much that has not yet been said here. I can only say this.

    You'd be doing yourself the disservice of your life.
     
    #15 Invidia, May 5, 2015
  16. Yossarian

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    Read what my sig line below says. It's true.
     
    #16 Yossarian, May 5, 2015
  17. Fallingdown7

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    Heartbreak really sucks, I've been rejected more times than I can count but I'd never want to date men.

    Just give yourself a break. You need time to get over her, and time really does help.
     
    #17 Fallingdown7, May 5, 2015
  18. FoxSong

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    Hey, I just wanted to say that no matter what you tell yourself, you won't be happy if you enter into a relationship just to settle and have kids. More importantly it's massively unfair to the person you'd be doing it with. They deserve to be loved fully and completely as well.
     
    #18 FoxSong, May 6, 2015
  19. Fry

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    Everyone else has said basically the same thing I would say but I'll tell you from personal experience that denying yourself of who you truly are is only prolonging the agony. Why "be straight" if your not. Why not find someone who will love you for who you are and wants to be with you? Why punish yourself. I once was in your situation. I married a man because I thought it was "the right thing to do." I knew it wasn't what I wanted. I lived unhappy for 5 years with him. I woke up one morning and realized what I wanted and it wasn't to be with a man. I've been with my girl one for some time and I've never been happier. I guess what I'm trying to say is if your not straight then why force yourself to be someone your not. Find a woman who wants to be with you, who shares the same values and morals with you and when the time is right get married and have children. You can do all those things with a woman.

    Good luck!
     
    #19 Fry, May 6, 2015
  20. mukumuku

    mukumuku
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    You know as well as anyone you can't just force yourself to be straight. If that was the case, people would do that instead of risking being kicked out, disowned, harassed, attacked, etc.

    I know you feel like this feeling is unique to you, but it's not.. I went through the same thing (as most people do at someone point). I thought I would never love someone as much ever again but I did and you will too.

    True, undying, passionate love.. soul mates.. destiny, etc.. they're not reality. The fairy tales we are fed are just that. You can and will find someone else but you need to stop wallowing and get on with your life, as impossible as that may sound.
     
    #20 mukumuku, May 6, 2015
    Last edited: May 6, 2015
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