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Might of came out to soon coupled with should I tell the others

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Matto_Corvo, May 4, 2015.

  1. Matto_Corvo

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Portland, Oregon
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Confusing title right?

    So, for those of you who don't know. I have been questioning my gender the last few months, and am 95% sure I am freaking transgender, which is still frowned upon by so many. Even growing I was often made aware of how something as simple as being a cross-dresser was bad, and when I told the world I was a tomboy (always searching for a reason that I was more boy than girl) I was lecture by my angry father. Luckily I have had nothing to do with my father's family since I was 13, and my mom's family has been wonderfully loving and accepting about most things.

    Which is why I never had to come out as asexual. I have the type of mother who will break out the baby pictures no matter if I come home with a boy/girl/other gender as a date. Transgender was the topic that never arose, mostly because no one knew all that much about it. So when I started questioning I told my best friend first, who was amazing and asked me questions that I had yet to ask myself. Then my other friend, who I learned was non-binary transgender. Though still unsure about my own gender my mom was the next person I told, as I assumed she would notice that I ditched my usual 'girl' clothing for the much preferred 'boys' clothing that I had been to afraid to wear my whole life. I told her that I was transgender and that I was sure this wasn't a phase. She was accepting and said she just wanted me to be happy, and we haven't talked about it much since other than me explaining that I was genderfluid (which I am no longer sure if that is true). With all the questions, doubts, and fears I still have I worry that I came out to her to soon. I find it hard to bring up the topic around her, especially since my brother lives with us. When I tentatively asked what he would think if I decided to be a man he said he couldn't see it since I was to feminine, so I haven't really worked up the courage to go past that with him. I'm starting to wonder if I should waited till I had everything figured out before talking to my mom, but I doubt I would ever have everything figured out.

    Another issue I face is with my mom's sisters. Her twin I am not worried about, she is as open minded as my mother. My mom's oldest sister, youngest sister, and niece are not so much. Since my wardrobe change they have slide subtle hints, and not so subtle hints, that I need to find clothes from the women's department as I am starting to look like a boy. When the topic of dating arises between them they make a point of telling me I need to try on my cousin's clothes so that I can find a man. Then after a very short second they'll add, "or a girl if that is what you are into.". Before this they had never something like that, and I can easily follow their line of thinking. Boy clothes + female = butch lesbian. It was that line of thinking that had me afraid to wear this clothing for so many years..that and boobs in boy's shirts are not attractive in my opinion.
    Still I have refused to change who I am. I have always been what others want, not it is time to find out who I really am. I thought about telling one of my aunts. The one who I am closer too, and who's opinion I have always held in high regards. I almost told her Saturday..but then while watching a show we had a light-hearted conversation about how on NCIS they always have a light where the penis should be on a nude body. I happen to make the remark that not all men have penis. The response to that was:
    "All men have penises, even if they are tiny ones. No penis = not a man."
    She laughed when she said it and it probably was funny to her, not so much for me. It is not like I align 100% with male, but I'm now under the impression that if I should decided to medically transition than she might not accept me. And this surprises me. This was the girl who had a tomboy phase till puberty and use to try peeing standing up.

    I want to tell her, but I'm not sure if I should. Before I do transition medically, I would like to have the issue of informing my family and friends out of the way. I would like to have them already calling me he/him and by the name I like. I thought that perhaps I should try to drop hints; the way I dress, flooding my facebook with transgender articles, but I doubt those are getting through. I can't even talk to my mom, who I am out to, so how in the world can I explain this to someone who might now be so accepting.

    I could go back to the way I was, but the thought of being everyone's favorite niece leaves my heart going into free fall right out my feet. Trying to force myself into that box feels like locking a part of myself away.

    I want to come out, but I really need advice. I'm also afraid that I could be wrong about being transgender, and then I will be left looking like an idiot.
     
  2. Psaurus918

    Full Member

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    If you're not 100% sure then try exploring your sexual and stay in the closet as long as you need to.

    Also don't worry about coming out and finding out you're not transgender later. If someone cares about you they will accept you wether you're straight, gay, bi, trans etc
     
  3. atoadaso

    atoadaso Guest

    It sounds like your mom means well, but just isn't as educated as she could be. As for your other family members you mentioned, they sound like they'd be tougher to deal with. I think your mom would be able to learn a lot from you, if you came out fully to her, when you're comfortable with doing so. It's odd that your mom and one of your aunts are open-minded, but your other aunts & your niece aren't. Maybe they could learn from her too? The aunt that you watched NCIS with might just be misinformed but not intolerant; since she's close to you, she likely cares a lot about you & wants to see you happy just like your mom does. You can never say for sure how someone will react, but it's important to take that plunge when you're ready & live your life how you have to to remain happy with yourself.

    Edit: I confused your aunt with your mom, oops.