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Need Help Coming Out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by William41, Nov 25, 2008.

  1. William41

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    I am a 41 year old gay man and I would very much like to come out to my immediate family, but it scares me to death. My parents are southern Baptist (I was raised SB), and my brother (older) is a very fervent evangelical Christian. He was pastor for about 15 years. We all get along, but they would have a really difficult time accepting that I am gay. They also think it is a choice. I just can't keep this a secret anymore. It makes me depressed and I don't want to live like this anymore. Any advice as to where to start would be very much appreciated.
     
  2. starfish

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    I wish I could offer some advice but I am in a similar situation.

    You don't mention your religious beliefs, but that brings up a potential double whammy. I know when I tell my family they will bring up the churches position on homosexuality. So then I'll have the joy of telling them I don't believe in their god or recognize the authority of the church or the bible.

    I have thought about telling them my religious beliefs before hand and give them time to worry about it. My fear there is that they will take the position that I am gay because I been tempted away from god by the devil and that all I need is Jesus.

    I'm sure Lex will chime in, but in the past he has suggested writing a letter. I am considering that my self. I don't think I want to tell them in a letter, but I do think it is a good way to get your thoughts together and come up with a game plan.

    --Edit to add. If you do decide to go the letter route get someone to help you with it. It is always good to have a wingman.
     
    #2 starfish, Nov 25, 2008
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2008
  3. Louise

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    I can't give you any advice on this matter, I can however give you all my support and best wishes. Have you tried PMing Jim or Lex, they are both older men and I know that Jim has only recently come out in the last year or two so he will be in a better position to help you. He is one of the advisors so you can PM him.

    I'm here to chat if you want to discuss things, if you want to write a letter and have advice from a third party... I'm an advisor to so you can PM me.
     
  4. crimsonarcher

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    The best thing I can say is start off with a very close friend or a couple of friends-
    You never know what your family's opinion is until you hear it from their own mouth, so if possible, bring up the subject of homosexuality, but don't say you are yet- see what their ideas are first. Of course, whether that would work or not is not known to me.
    to sum up, Close friends are good to start off with, if you're too scared to tell your family.
    I started off with friends, and they helped me come out to my parents, but in the end, it's up to you.
     
  5. boredofnormal

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    Hi William, Tim here.
    I'm 43 and recently came out to my family as well. Similar christian background. I got the 'you need a deep inner healing and deliverance' lecture. I knew it was coming and let them talk. I didn't respond to them, because I didn't want to make any more hurt feelings or breed anger into an already difficult situation.

    The good news is, you really only need to tell one of them F2F. That person will do the rest for you. Christians are by far the best gossips known to mankind.

    Best wishes,
    T
     
  6. tm74

    tm74 Guest

    Hi William,

    TM74 here, 34 and totally sympathise with
    My situation is similar, my parents are in the "evangelical Christian" camp...

    I'm not out to my parents yet, but there are several other threads on here on a similar subject, it's worth searching the forums.

    I'd recommend spending some time reading up on what the Bible really says about homosexuality - this site (http://www.lgcm.org.uk/html/jmebible.htm) helped me a bit when I was trying to reconcile the two seemingly opposing concepts.

    Agreed with taking the coming out process slowly - so far I've only come out to a couple of people - and they're all existing gay friends - also try to find a gay social event or something in your area (I'm not in the US, but I know there's plenty of folks on here who might be able to suggest things to search for)

    TM74
     
  7. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC, fellow Denverite! :wave:

    You might start by visiting a couple of websites. These sites will technically be for them, if they choose to visit them. But you should visit them, as well. There's a lot of good information that you might put to good use.

    PFLAG's is a good one for information in the generic "so you found out a relative is gay" type. You might read up on those specific pages, so you might get some idea of the various responses you might get.

    You might also check out a few POSITIVE gay-christian pages. gaychristian.net has some good stories and info, and I know there are others (although I don't recall what they are at the moment - if others know, please chime in).

    As far as telling them, find the one person in your family who you feel most comfortable talking to. The one you feel you can share things with the most. That might be Cousin Sara rather than your mother - that's fine. Ask if you can talk to them. Face-to-face is best (you might meet at a coffee shop, for instance), but over the phone is fine. And then, just tell her. Be calm, be certain. I've noticed that people tend to pick up on our cues. If you treat it like it's a horrible secret, they'll respond in kind. But if you treat it like it's a casual fact, they'll be more likely to do so, as well. "I'm gay. I haven't told anyone in my family because I was worried how you all might act, but I realized I shouldn't hide this from people who I care about."

    At that point, there'll probably be questions. Remember - you've known you're gay for
    quite some time. He or she will have know for a couple minutes. So the questions may seem a bit...dumb. Stay calm, answer them calmly.

    Yes, you're sure - you've known since you were (age).
    Yes, you've prayed about this. For many years. But you've finally accepted it's what you are.
    No, (Family members) don't know. But they're the next ones you're going to tell.
    If they seem confused or in shock about it all, let them digest it a bit. Tell them they probably need to think about this for a bit, but you're more than willing to answer any question they might have.

    That said, don't be surprised if some of them already know. Unless you're married, or dated a lot of women recently, people start wondering about the 40-year-old perpetually single guys. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  8. ElizabethAnne

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    Wow, well, I can definitely relate along those lines - my mom goes to church 5 x per week, my brother is a pastor and my other brother lives at a church. I think it's harder when you are older and your family has gotten to know you as a straight person. It's about ten times as hard when they are Christians.

    Are you a Christian? Have you come to terms with your own homosexuality? If not, I'd say probably don't say anything just yet, until you are okay with it. I definitely had (and still to some extent have) lots of homophobia issues with myself, and wondering if I was doing the right thing, what does God think, why am I such a horrible person, etc. because of how I was raised. Obviously, though, this situation is really bothering you. It sounds like the secret is kind of eating you up.

    I'd definitely start thinking about the "opening line". For me, each person I told had a different opening line - and they were calculated to each individual and what they'd be most likely to respond best to. So for my mom, I told her that I was in love with a girl, for my friend, that I was thinking of becoming a lesbian, for my aunt that I am a lesbian. I think that opening line is the most important, and if you can get a good line that you want to use with someone when you tell them, I've always found this is about half the battle.

    However, with Christians, I don't think that you are going to get immediate acceptance, and this might cause some conflict with them in the future. I told my mom, and she said that she'd always love me. However, recently, she's started covertly criticizing me and my relationship, when she's seen that I'm still a lesbian. after three months. She openly admits that if she could change me, she would. She thinks that my lesbianism is because my dad was abusive etc. She sends me tapes that will "heal" me. In all, her behaviour really hurts me, but I know she's doing it because she loves me, and because she's, well, ignorant.

    Etc.

    Sorry, I'm really waxing long...

    Point is: it's hard, might generate conflict, but that conflict will be outside, and not inside yourself, and I think that coming out to them if you feel comfortable doing that will be better than letting your secret poison you.