I'll start from the beginning so you can better appreciate my situation. Almost 2 years ago now, halfway through June, I lost my phone for two days. On the second day of it being missing, I was called in to see the deputy headmaster. When I wet in, he produced my phone, saying that after he had found it he had turned it on (it's not locked to prove to my mum that I am not watching porn) and he found that me and one of my (male) friends had been sexting pretty intimately as we were just entering a relationship. For some reason, though he said he wouldn't let slip to anyone, I got home and was immediately confronted by my mum, who demanded to know why a 15 year old would sext at all - the deputy headmaster had called her shortly after chatting to me. This meant I was sat down and asked whether I was gay or not and whether I had been romantic with this guy for long. I came out to her and though she didn't smile or anything, saying she must have always known there was 'something different' about me, that she loved me. Needless to say, she told my dad and I'm pretty sure my older brother knows too. Here's the problem: none of them, especially my older brother, have broached the subject with me since. They always say that they love all of us for who we are, but go on to ramble at length about what they will do with my grandchildren. They even go to great lengths - when they get an opportunity - to talk about what my children and wife (they don't ever say this about my brothers) to my aunts and uncles. Tbh I'm so sick of just being ignored like my coming out never happened - I didn't even get the luxury of coming out to them on my own terms. I wouldn't be bothered about them never specifically mentioning my homosexuality if they didn't appear as if they wanted to slightly cover up the fact. Both of them avert their eyes and make noises of disgust too when non-heterosexual people are in any way romantic or intimate on TV or in real life. I don't know what to do; they know I'm gay and I damn we'll know it too but how can I come out to more people if I fell I don't even get recognised as gay at home? Thanks for any advice.
Our parents bring us up with a set of preconceived ideas about our futures. Within those preconceptions is the idea that we will be just like them and get married/partnered and have children. It's a set of ideas that takes root in their minds very early after we are born, so when we come out it shakes everything and it's much easier for them to deny what they have heard than confront the reality of the situation. Unfortunately, many adults believe it's a teenage phase that we grow out of (even though we rarely do). It's an idea that is given a certain amount of credibility by so called experts who write newspaper advice columns and the like, and it makes me furious because it helps to fuel denial. Maybe your parents believe it to be a phase that you will grow out of, and if they don't talk about it, you will forget about it. I'm afraid it's a common approach that parents take towards their sons/daughters coming out. In the end, it's all part of their own struggle towards acceptance:Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief The important thing is for you to remain consistent in your responses, but also remain calm. Getting angry or upset will set a bad tone and may lead to more, rather than less denial from your parents. You could begin to reinforce what they have already been told by wearing pride clothing, badges etc. or buying gay lifestyle magazines. In other words demonstrate that you have not changed your mind, without words. You could visit the website of FFLAG (Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) and download/print some of the resource information for your parents to read. Do it in a very subtle way and just leave the information for them. Again, it may help you to convince them, but it may also help them to work on their own journey: Home If you're feeling upset or angry, share it with us, but try to avoid getting into any sort of confrontation with your parents.
Thanks. I'm not going to get angry and wasn't going to get into any kind of confrontation with them. I think you're right: they know I'm gay and Im sure they don't think it's a phase. It's their problem that they don't acknowledge it - it's all a bit of a new experience for them, I guess. Thanks again for the great advice.
I have the same thing with my sisters, I had to ask one to see if she had remembered. They probably don't want to bring it up because it's a sensitive subject and while it is more accepted still carries stigma with it.
You don't have anything more to do at home; you are OUT. Just go about whatever you want to do about coming out to your friends, finding a boyfriend, dating when you do, etc. If you start living more like you are gay (whatever that means to you), maybe they will begin to treat you like you are gay when you are at home, but if they don't, don't worry about it, you have already been honest with them.
Thanks everyone. I think I understand the situation a lot better now, even possibly from their point of view. You've made me feel much better about this so I'm just going to be content in myself until I can bring a boyfriend home.
