I don't tend to ask for others help with stuff like this because they tend to have their own problems to be dealing with and I don't want to bother them with mine but I'm getting a bit desperate. I came out to my first person (my sister) in July of last year but bar a few friends I've told no one else, I had hoped to tell my parents by the end of the year but the more I think about it the more I realise I've got no incentive to come out. One person who found out has bullied me relentlessly over it and while many would say go to a teacher I don't want to because it would likely come out to the whole school I hate the idea of being in the limelight, I just wanna get on with life. Any suggestions? Is this normal? What to do about the bully?
As with all posts here, I have to stress that you should feel no pressure from anyone on here, including me, to do anything - take all advice with a pinch of salt. If there's no incentive to come out to your parents then don't; I wouldn't have if they hadn't made me come out. If your school has a counsellor, talk to them because they have to be confidential. There are loads of youth services around that offer confidential counselling so maybe that. If you want to talk to someone at school, go maybe to the headmaster/headmistress - I did when my parents made me come out and he was very understanding. As for bullying, I know how you feel so apart from the advice above I can only empathise with you. The reason why my parents found out was because a student had found my phone, on which I had been flirty with my crush. To this day I still get comments like "Im surprised they let you have a phone," and "who are you sexting now?" Whilst friends say its banter, others can be quite cruel. Anyway, good luck with whatever you choose to do next!
I agree with Connorcode. The school counselor MUST be confidential at all costs. Your being gay will NOT come out to the school. If it does, the counselor can lose her/his job. Please do not hesitate to share your problems, whatever they are. Sure, everybody has their own problems but we must help each other out WHEN and IF we can. We are here to give a helping hand to each other, don't hesitate to shoot me a message any time if you want to talk about this. Don't feel "obliged", just an offer The only aspect I'd focus on if I were you right now is the bullying. This needs to go. It interferes with your daily routine and causes you to lose focus and harms you even. Keep in mind that the bully is bullying you because he himself is uncomfortable with his own life, that is why he feels it is necessary to make others feel bad. So the problem is NOT with you, but with him. Do you have a school counselor? Are there youth centers for bullying in your area? Do you feel comfortable sharing your problems with these groups?
You have already come out to some of your close friends, so don't put any more pressure on yourself right now. If you are not ready to tell your parents just yet, that's okay. Coming out is something to do at your own pace and in your own good time - you've made a start and that's a positive sign. It took me a lot longer before I cracked open the closet door (I was in my early 20's). You shouldn't have to put up with bullying and I would urge you to speak to your school counsellor or student support services about it, so it can be dealt with in a sensitive way that will not cause you further distress. Be as honest with them about your concerns as you have been with us.
Thanks for all the replies, I have talked to a teacher (our school hasn't got a counsellor). I'm afraid that talking about the person who is bullying me with a teacher will definitely lead to people learning I'm gay. Anyone who it dragged in front of a teacher is going to be quizzed by the rest of the year as to why and I doubt he'll keep his mouth shut especially if he's gotten a verbal bolloking from a teacher because of me.
Do you have a friend who you can confide in? Is there anybody who you think can be understanding and supportive of you in your surroundings? Even if there is no school counsellor, is there a youth support group in your area, and have you considered contacting them? I'm pretty sure there are confidential helplines that you can call from your home that will guide you to deal specifically with this matter. If it gets intolerable, I really really really urge you to call them...
The only reason the bully can bother you is that you have empowered him to use the fact that you are gay, and want to keep it a secret, against you. If your "secret" is out, then his leverage over you is considerably reduced, unless you also feel that there is something wrong about being gay. You need to start working on that by yourself, looking into your mirror and telling yourself out loud, "I am gay, and it is ok". Say it until you start to believe it and can envision your saying it to other people some day and not feeling bad about yourself, no matter what they say back to you. Once you reach that point inside, there is no way they can threaten you by merely telling someone you are gay. If your bully is bothering you physically, pushing you, or hitting you, then you need to tell your teacher what he is doing, because that is something he can be sanctioned about, regardless of WHY he thinks he can do it. You just tell the teacher what he is doing, not why you think he is doing it, and let her deal with the bully. If it doesn't stop, you need to tell your parents about the bullying, and have them contact the teacher or principal about it to hold the school accountable for letting the bullying go unchecked. There is always the possibility that the news about you will get out regardless of what you do, which is why you need to work on your own attitude about yourself in the mirror, so you will be prepared if that happens. You ARE gay, and it is OK; remember that. (*hug*)
