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I've came out to my boyfriend and he refuses to accept it! help):

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by kbssecrets, May 9, 2015.

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  1. kbssecrets

    kbssecrets
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    So, I've always known there was something different about me. At an early age I dressed in boys clothes, cut all my hair off and just felt kind of out of place. Also when I was young me and these 2 other girls used to... You know... Play around. We were young and didn't know any better... Moving on... Through out high school I dated mostly guys with a few girlfriends here and there. I had actually been with 3 women before I lost my virginity to a guy... I always liked the sex with women better but, I was still attracted to men. Now here I am 23 years old... I just last year escaped from a 5 year long abusive relationship with a man. (Mental and physical) after leaving him and moving out of town. I started working at this restaurant and met this guy. He was not that attractive to me physically but, he was so kind and generous and loving... He gave me everything I was missing before and I fell right into the trap): after leaving my x I swore off men. But, I needed and wanted that love I had been lacking for so long I just went with it. Things were great for the first few months... And then it hit me... I really am a lesbian... I am totally repulsed by my own boyfriend.... I cringe when I kiss him... I often shoot him down when he comes in to me... And when I do give in its not because I want to... Because I never do... But I just feel like I owe it to him... I realized it shouldn't be this way... After our sexlife had been dwindling for about 2 months he called me out on it. He asked me why I never came on to him, why I never wanted to have sex with him. And to be honest I made up some excuses... I was terrified to tell him... Until about a month after I finally told him... I'm a lesbian. Told him I've always known. And about how he gave me everything I needed and it made me feel good for awhile but no so much anymore... He just kept saying. I love you and your not a lesbian or else you wouldn't have been with mostly men. You love having sex with me. You might be bi but, not gay. And he just doesn't accept it!!! Wtf am I supposed to do??? He won't let me break up with him!!! I live with him.... I can't do this much longer. I really do love and care for him but, I can't continue to live this lie. I never wanted to hurt anyone but, I know its gonna happen): I want this to end peacefully but, I feel like the only way to get it through his freaking head is to yell and flip out. Because when I try to take the calm adult approach it doesn't work. Has anyone ever encountered this before? If so how did you get through it? Advice please):
     
    #1 kbssecrets, May 9, 2015
  2. Im Hazel

    Im Hazel
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    I have never been in a situation like this, but I can give advice. Tell him the truth. That you were only having sex for his sake. (As an aside, you can feel sensual pleasure from acts like that even without emotional connection or attraction.) "Flipping out" is an option, and if he won't let you leave, then it's an appropriate response. In fact, if he won't let you leave him, that's abuse. You could get help from the police / charities, if needee.
     
    #2 Im Hazel, May 9, 2015
  3. Schloss

    Schloss
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    If the situation goes on for much longer, you begin accepting yourself more and tolerating his attitude less. Some people can't handle rejection, because they would feel as though they are not good enough. You say you're 23 but how old is he? People (especially if they're younger) would go to great lengths to brush off the fear of rejection from the people they care. The truth is, he cares for you on his OWN terms, which is NOT love. It's a form of selfish love.

    Cringing when you kiss him means it most definitely is gonna end one way or another. Better it end amicably than in disaster. Unfortunately there isn't always a "logical solution" to love and relationships.

    He probably doesn't believe you because he has feelings for you, and would want to hold on to those feelings as much as he can. He probably knows by now that you don't feel for him in a sexual way any longer, and it's only up to time for the alarm bells to start ringing in his head.

    You know him more than all of us. How do you think he will best understand? Is he usually the understanding kind of guy? Is moving out an option for you? What is your guy instinct on how you should act? Sometimes it helps if you verbalise what you're thinking.

    I also wanna add something else: it's such a pity what you had to go through in your past relationship. NOBODY deserves that... it's so sad and it reminds me of what happened to one of my own good friends. I hope the asshole who's abused you that way gets his share of karma some day...
     
    #3 Schloss, May 9, 2015
  4. kbssecrets

    kbssecrets
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    Both of you have some really good advice for me. And thank you. I see that alot have ppl have read my post but only the 2 of you have replied... Thanks for taking the time to help someone... I've been thinking about it all day. He is younger than me. He just turned 23. He is a really understanding person... His problem is he is extremely homophobic. I tried enlightening him with no result... I know for a fact he knows something wrong. I mean I've told him! But, he won't let me go. To him I am the love of his life, the girl of his dreams. He's unlike any one I've ever met. He's sincere with his words and I can tell. I don't want to break his heart.... I know its gonna happen. I just wish he would actually believe me. Be understanding and support me. This is gonna sound really stupid... But in The L Word they talk about "some lesbians you have to break up with twice" I'm wondering if I'm going to have to repeatedly talk to him about this until it clicks. And as far as living goes I don't have any options unfortunately.... I'm sorta stuck.

    ---------- Post added 10th May 2015 at 12:06 AM ----------

    I'm sorry, he just turned 21. Lol not 23
     
    #4 kbssecrets, May 9, 2015
  5. DragKing692

    DragKing692
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    Be honest. Tell him the truth, and that if you truly loved me, you wouldn't accept me if I didn't love you. That's what I think. Then if he continues what he's doing, move out and kiss him goodbye, because honey, you don't need him anymore. Good luck, and message me if you need anything.
    Best wishes,
    Bernie
     
    #5 DragKing692, May 9, 2015
  6. Schloss

    Schloss
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    The fact that he's extremely homophobic answers a lot of questions. How can the love of his life become something he hates so much? He can't build the correlation so he instead denies it. Basic defense mechanism, but since you say he's a very understanding guy: I think he'll eventually come around it, however long that may take.

    I'd definitely give him a homophobia check, though...
     
    #6 Schloss, May 12, 2015
  7. bi2me

    bi2me
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    I think it's time to start looking for your own place. How long is your lease with him? It sounds like his homophobia is causing some cognitive dissonance - trying to hold onto two conflicting messages at the same time.
     
    #7 bi2me, May 12, 2015
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