I Chickened Out! How did you tell Mom / boyfriend?

I rang my mom a few nights ago (I'm 17 and studying abroad) with the sole intention of coming out. It was past midnight and I felt stupidly courageous when I dialled her number. But once she picked up, and I heard her eager voice, eager to hear of my triumphs and successes, all of that momentary courage vanished.

First of all, my mom has recently taken an active interest in my social/dating life. That's probably because I've been abroad for a while, and I'm starting to open up to her about everything that has gone on here, in a way I never did when I lived with her. We have long conversations on the phone. With that comes some detail about my romantic life - or lack thereof. I've always been intentionally vague to her about these things, but recently I've admitted that I am quite disinterested in the whole dating thing. And she says she understands that I may be scared, but that I should just go out there and be fearless, that I should open up to guys, and let go. I say I cannot comply, and then she accuses me of overanalysing things, but I really don't. Not men, anyway. It just seems that way to her because I am hiding my true self from her, and thus I ramble a lot and try to subtly tell her how reluctant I am to date boys because of this and that reason, always making sure never to refer the actual reason... my lesbianism. :icon_wink

So, we started talking and I told her how an almost-boyfriend is gonna come visit me in a few months time (he lives in the US) and she was exorbitantly happy to hear that. She always wanted us to have a good relationship, and she never understood why we didn't become girlfriend and boyfriend. I love him with all my heart and she knows that. But I just love him as a dear friend whereas she's positive I'm attracted to him, sexually, because that's how these things are supposed to work. It left her perplexed that I never got closer to him, despite the time we spent going on dates. In fact, he was equally confused, but he might have had an inkling about my sexuality. We have a great friendship but not a relationship. And the reason for that is simply because I cannot fathom the idea of having sex with him. Which is because I'm gay. As gay as a handbag full of rainbows, but mommy doesn't know that.

At one point in the conversation, after saying how I couldn't really get together with him because I felt so insecure about the whole sex thing, I managed to admit that "I just don't think that I'm interested in any sort of relationship with a young man right now." Mom replied by asking, "so, does that mean you would rather have a relationship with a young woman?" Hearing her say the words "young woman" had a funny effect on me. It was almost comforting to know that she was familiar with the idea, but she said it in such a stern and disapproving voice that I chickened out. I was suddenly reminded of the way she perceived her gay cousin, who she described as "a little bit disgusting". I hastily replied "no" and bounced right back to the back of the closet. Out of fear that she would speculate, as she does, I added: "Oh, no! I didn't realise it sounded like that, haha. Ew, no."

Mom believed me. There was not a sign of doubt in her voice, and she continued talking about him. I truly, wholeheartedly hate myself for saying "ew". I cannot put into words how mad I am for doing so. I hate that I was brought up in an environment which allowed for such slurs. But my mom is so traditional and homophobic that I was just trying my best to use her language to please her. To avoid the truth for just a little longer...

At that moment I realised how unprepared I am. And how potentially badly she will take it. :eusa_doh:

However, I came out to him a few weeks ago, and he seems fairly nonchalant about it. Obviously, he must feel somewhat frustrated as he hoped we would reunite and embark on the relationship we didn't have before. That's exactly what my mother thinks. Now that's officially implausible. But still, he's insisting on taking me out when he comes. Of course I want to see him, but not in that way. I came out to him already. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to say to him, and I thought he understood what it meant. However, he seems to be expecting I'll turn straight overnight for him. Oh, clueless little boy... by the way, he's 20 years old, and very good at that.

So, I tried to explain to my mom that his upcoming visit isn't really anything to look forward to. It's not gonna provide me with my first long-awaited boyfriend. Because I don't want one. Because gay women, generally, do not have sex with men. And I am a gay woman. But she doesn't know that.

So, this is a bit of a funny situation. My ex-flame on the way to see me, quite certain that he's in for a treat of the sexual kind, even though I've come clean to him; and, my darling mother, encouraging me to be a good girlfriend to him, thinking that she's being of great help to her "shy" daughter.

Whereas all I want is to find meself a nice girlfriend!

Has anybody found themselves in a similar predicament?
What did/would you do? How do you let them down easy?

Or just general advice about coming out to traditional mother/clueless "boyfriend"?

I've decided I won't come out to my mom until I am in a serious relationship (with a girl!) that I am proud to share with her. Otherwise I'm certain her reaction would be the same as his; nonchalant and accepting, but failing to comprehend what it means to be gay. That is, she would probably continue to encourage me to pursue a relationship with a guy. Which is something I absolutely do not need in my life.

But is waiting to come out maybe not such a good strategy? Those of you who have done it, was it a good choice? Or should I just come out already, despite having no real "proof" of my gayness?
That's how traditional my mom is. She would require physical proof...

Thanks in advance to y'all amazing people (!) 'Preciate it :eusa_danc