I seriously must be... I just got off the phone with Mike. And for the most part, it was really good. He was super jealous I'm going to a Katy Perry concert, he teased me for a bit... etc. Then I asked him if his feelings for me have changed. I didn't get an answer for 5 minutes. So I asked him again. Here's how it went from there... Me: Babe, you there? Did you hear me? Him: Yeah. Me: Have they changed? Yes or no? Him: ....Yeah. Me: Okay... in a bad way? Him: No, they're just different. Me: Oh... so do you still want to marry me? Him: Without a doubt. -silence from me- Him: You okay? Me: I am. I just... I was stupid. I knew we were going to be different... I just wasn't sure how much and I should've known better. Him: What do you mean? Me: There's no hope of seeing you. When we were both in Michigan, we could always make plans to meet. We can't now. I might not even see you in a year. And the way we talk... I know you can't say the things you used to. Do you still think of the future? Him: Yes, always. Me: Am I there when you think about it? Him: 80% of the time... So yeah, you usually are. Me: Oh... I'm just... right now I worry that you don't want me anymore. Even if we don't stay together forever, I still want you in my life. You've touched me in so many ways and you really mean so much to me. Him: I will be there, without a doubt. Me: I bet you will be... but I want you there as Mike, my husband. Not Mike, my best friend. I guess it could've gone so much worse... But... I just don't know about boys... The worst part is right now I'm wishing horrible things on every single happy couple in the world. If I'm not 100% happy with my relationship, why should they? I know it's a disgusting thing to wish on someone... but I'm so frustrated.
O, love, you're not stupid, you're in love; there is a huge difference. I'm not going to tell you to do except think. Think about what you want, not what he wants, or what anyone else wants. (*hug*)
I forgot to say how much I am like that. Where I just think "Fuck you and your togetherness and bliss and...happines. IT IS NOT GOING TO LAST SO GIVE UP NOW!!!!!"
Don't feel bad about wishing bad on happy couples, I want to walk up to them and slap them for having something that I can't. I know that I can't have a relationship until I'm out and I don't see that going well any time this year, but that doesn't stop me from wishing I could have a boyfriend, wishing that I could have someone to hold onto, someone to hold onto me when the world seems to spin out of control. I very much envy other people's happiness and I'm jealous at their togetherness.
Upon further assessment of the situation (again, I apologize for my spelling... English is slowly becoming my second language right now >.<!!), I decided that I want to be with Mike, but I don't want to depend on him so much. He doesn't do anything to make me so dependent, but when I think of him... I feel like I'm down and I can't get up. The scariest thought is that if he told me to drop everything and move in with him, I would. Even if he was living in a place that held nothing for me. I'd give me dreams and everything to be with him.