Thanksgiving junk (big vent)

Yea, she's a bit of a bitch.

I wouldn't worry too much about her. Just let her be a moronic bitch and watch what happens. Or you could do the nice thing and aproach her about it.

 

Wow, how can she do that, "You know the things that would be on a straight woman's list", that is wrong on so many levels; she is insulting you, assuming you're not straight, and using stereotypes. That's just great. (sarcasm) what a bitch (the honest truth)

 

Looks like you had an unexpected guest at dinner. Or perhaps not so unexpected.



A lot of people, when they hear passive-aggressiveness or bitchy behavior, feel the need to intercede. They consider it "being assertive" or "standing up for themselves". Actually, much of the time, it's pig rasslin'.

Don't wrestle with the pigs.
All it does is get you as muddy as the pig was.
And the pig likes it.

See, the thing is - people KNOW passive-aggressive behavior. They recognize when people are being bitchy. And the most common thought is "Geez, this person is being bitchy." Their behavior quite often doesn't need a response, as it already paints them in a negative light.

OK, case by case now.

You "found out" that your sister was conversing with your father, and you (as a topic, I'm assuming) came up. First up, how did you find this out? Secondly, so what? You cut yourself off from your father - that's fine, that's your choice. Your sister didn't. She's still talking to him. And yeah, it's no surprise that maybe you came up as a topic. So what? Let her.

Next up. She's talking to the family while you're playing with the nieces. She mentions that she wants gifts that STRAIGHT women would want. Big deal. Why are you listening to her anyway? You've got nieces to play with. Maybe your sister IS making catty comments about you. Let her. All it will do is make people think, "Geez, this woman makes a lot of catty comments. I hope she doesn't make them about me."

Next. Your brother-in-law's wife is kinda whiny. So be it. If she wants to play pass-the-note while at the kid's table, let her play. You have nieces that think it's cool to have BikeLady sit at their table. So sit there and enjoy their company, and let her play the I'm-too-grown-up-for-this game. Guess who's gonna have the better time.

Next. They leave. You get the hint that they might have gone to Father's place. So Mom goes to check. Why? Look, for all I know, Father was, and is, a horrible person. In that case, you (and your mother) have every right to say "I'm not going to have anything more to do with him". But it ends there. Don't force people to pick sides, to choose between the "good side of the family" and "the bad". If they want to keep interacting with Father, let them. That's their call.

Leave the drama for the llama. You've got a life to live, damnit, and it's tough to live when you're busy peering over other people's shoulders. Go live it.

Lex

 

I hope you'll forgive me if I keep poking at the wound here...

My father went in to where my brother's wife works, saying the brother-in-law informed him where I was working. My father is not above lying about sources of information, and it is well established that he was not know where I work. I shot my sister an email asking if maybe my brother-in-law slipped up. She got super defensive and didn't answer. It is her business if she wants to talk to him. My father is not stable, has used violence in the past, and is a proud multi-gun owner with a love of pills. He has a habit of showing up at the store where my brother's wife works just to intimidate her/try to get information from her. It is only a matter of time before he figures out which branch I work at, and then he will start in on me.

So you took the information your brother's wife gave you - the same one who makes stupid comments and passes notes at the kid's table, I'm assuming - and confronted your sister - the one who makes passive-aggressive, bitchy comments - about it. This is prime pig-rasslin' stuff here. You're jumping down into the mud pit with them. If your father knows where you work, then presumably he'll come visit. If he wants to brag about knowing where you work (even if he doesn't), hoping it'll make it's way back to you (and unnerves you, I guess), then don't play. If Daddy comes up in conversation, bat it away. "I'd rather not talk about him. I've sort of removed him from my life, and I'd rather keep it that way if you don't mind."

She talks like she is the only one in the room. Everyone knows she says things like that. It just gets old.

Apparently, it hasn't gotten too old yet. You're still responding. You're still reacting. Stop. And if you can't stop, see below.

It hurt the girls' feelings. I enjoyed their company. Just not that of the woman-child chewing with her mouth open, ignoring my babies.

It won't - at least not as much - if you just keep your eyes on the prize. Keep enjoying their company, and tune them out. Don't shoot daggers at them with your eyes. Just have fun with the people you're there to have fun with.

I didn't send mom out to snoop. She was hurt by the fact that she has sacrificed so much for this kid, and he turned around and condoned my father's adultery. That was the issue there. It has always been made clear that it is no problem to go see "the family." Both my siblings are gluttons for punishment and that is their business. My brother feels some sort of bond and needs to do what he feels is right there. My father left us for this woman, then blamed his children and grandchildren for the divorce and the failure of his business. Everyone has the right to choose between good and bad, but dancing with the devil in a blue dress is another matter. (Seriously, she wears a blue jean jumper all the time.)

I didn't mean to imply that you sent her out. I don't understand why she went out, period. If it's clear that it doesn't matter that they go see the family, why is she going over to find out if they are? It seems clear that you DO hold it against them for not sticking by your mother (only). As I see it, you can either accept the fact that they're going to keep seeing him, brood about it some more, or cut them out of their lives as well. But be aware that that'll include the kids, as well.

I'm not out to smack you around for what you've done - that's not my goal. But it's really easy to get up into taking sides, and getting caught up in the drama of it all. And frankly, life gets so much easier if you just let that stuff go. So your sister makes catty remarks, and your sister-in-law is a whiner. So be it. Let them be what they are. When they start off on this stuff, just smile and shake your head - "there they go again". It really does take two to tango. And if you keep sitting the dances out, they'll stop asking you to dance.

Best of luck to you.

Lex

 

Moving back in with her parents won't help, but she has to make some progress right?

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. She is who she is. Stop expecting otherwise.

The siblings will cut me out as soon as they "officially" know. Right now I suppose they just see me as an awkward young woman who "just can't find the right guy."

Then why wait? They don't seem to have much to offer you other than having cool nieces. And frankly, I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it.

Lex