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My crush/best friend is suppressing her sexuality (kind of long)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Libby, May 14, 2015.

  1. Libby

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I've heard of this happening with so many people. They try to suppress their sexuality because it goes against their religion. Most if not all religious lgbt folk go through a phase of struggling with it, including me, but I never thought that one of my best friends and the person I've just realized I have fallen for would go through this and its bad. This is like deep level suppression. Like so far back in the closet. I was speechless when she told me about how she "used to be gay" when she was little and that she "just can't" be. She has always been really defensive when people joke around that she is gay and I was one who always defended her because I believed her. Even a couple weeks ago she told me that she liked a girl but I still believed her when she said "I'm straight it's just this one girl". We've even slept together and I STILL BELIEVED HER because she told me she would never do that with anyone else. She kept saying I wouldn't understand. At first she wouldn't tell me why she should couldn't be gay or bi and I said is it religious reasons? and she said yeah that was the main reason and then she told me everything. She said even though she knows her parents and friends would still love her no matter what, they would never be truly accepting. I said that's the kind of crap that really messes up peoples lives and that she'll never truly be happy if she won't be herself. I asked her why she cant just be herself without labels and she said because no matter what, she can't be in a relationship with a girl. That her mother would rather see her make out with some random loser guy than hold hands with a girl. She said she has been able to keep the thoughts out of her head pretty easily until coming to college where a lot of our friends are gay or bi and it's a constant reminder of what she is trying to push away and has been basically her whole life. I'm immensely glad she was able to tell me all of this, but obviously it is heart breaking considering how terrible it is to feel that way. To be something and feel things that you are constantly denying.
    On a side note, when I told her I liked her, she basically said she doesn't like me back, but that she really appreciates our friendship and I am special to her.
    If anybody has any advice on the situation that would be awesome, but I really just needed to tell someone and see if anyone has been in a similar situation.
     
  2. biisme

    Full Member

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    I'm sorry that your friend is struggling to be honest with herself. Or, at least struggling to live as herself. However, it sounds like she has a really strong conviction to ignore her sexuality. And just like you can't force someone to be straight, you can't force them to acknowledge that they're gay either. I don't know that you're pushing her to accept herself, but I would warn against pushing too hard and driving her away.

    Perhaps you have a mutual friend who has parents with similar values to hers? How did they react when their child came out?

    I know you care for her. And I think that she is doing herself a disservice to live for her parents and not for herself. But, that's something that she needs to realize. It's hard because it's a delicate balance between being supportive and trying to help her accept herself, and pushing her to do something she just isn't ready for yet.

    You sound like a great friend, and she is lucky to have you. I hope that she finds a way to reconcile her sexuality with her family / religion.