I identify as bisexual but I’ve never really been attracted to men – definitely not physically at least. I do know that I am attracted to women and on a logical level I know I’m probably a lesbian. Which is something I don’t have a problem with. The problem is that while I can say that and understand it and think that it’s true I just can’t seem to fully accept it. Some part of me still believes that at some point in my future I’ll end up with a man. Now normally I would just follow the standard advice and stop pressuring myself to find a label, but this time around there’s an issue with that. A while back at a party I met a guy. He’s funny, intelligent, attractive, great at flirting and a total nerd which are all qualities that I adore. I really like him. Immediately after we met we were talking every day and he wants to take me out on a date. I realised too late that that’s not what I want. Now I’m stuck with this unspoken contract that I will go on a date with him. I want to turn him down but to do that would involve admitting that I’m really not as bisexual as I’ve claimed to be –thus outing myself before I’m ready or fully sure. HELP!!
Hi sweetheart. Looks like there are two issues here, the first being your sexuality, the other being a date with this guy. Let's tackle the latter one first: If you have not said you would go on a date with him, then there is no contract, spoken or otherwise. Even if you had agreed to a date, you would be fully within your rights to later cancel. And you don't owe it to him to explain every reason why you don't want to go on a date with him. You could tell him you think you're a lesbian, but you certainly don't have to. You can say "I'm not looking for anything right now," or "I'm busy with X and Y, and don't have much time," or even, "I'd rather just be friends." If you don't feel comfortable saying any of that, one date is not the end of the world. If he's a cool guy, he'll hopefully understand that one date is not a promise of anything. Often, that second date never happens. So please don't worry! As for your sexuality, no one can define that but you. But if you think you're a lesbian, that's already the biggest step done. You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to -- but having someone to talk to can really help. (EC is helpful, too!)
