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I've lost myself...again

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by sleepymeadow, May 16, 2015.

  1. sleepymeadow

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    Helloooo :grin: I've been reading stuff on this forum for the past month or so and i've finally decided to register. For those who don't have the time; i bolded the important parts. Here's my story:

    First off, i'd like to say that i'm 13 (for those who may not feel comfortable dealing with teens) and i've known that i'm gay for about 9 months now. Since as long as i can remember, i've always felt different. I can recall adults asking me "Why don't you ever play with the other boys?" or "Why do you always have to be so sensitive?". Of course, this has nothing to do with being gay but just about how i felt misunderstood in general. I don't remember much of my childhood; at least on a personal level. I know from my parents and friends that i used to be considererd "gifted" (definetly not my case now lol), calm, respectful, kind... Which is really weird since i can't associate myself at all to what they say.

    More recently, when i was 10-11, i went through a really bad depression. I had just moved in to a new school and i started having continuous fights with my parents which eventually led to me contemplating suicide. After that, when i started middle school, i had completely changed. I became more sociable, friendly, compassionate but also submissive, lacking of morals,... During that time i got bullied really bad because i started to act more "feminine" and started questioning my sexuality. It's so strange that i talk about this as if it was a distant memory when it happened only a year ago. Oh well. Anyway, i was feeling emotionally stable for the past few months until now. I've completely snapped again. Not in the explosive, unpredictable way like before. But in a more slow, prudent way as if i could see the depression moving towards me like a morning fog.

    This is where the gay part comes in. Being gay has crushed a huge part of my self esteem. I've realized by now that each time i feel the slightest bit of attraction towards someone, i feel a huge black hole digging itself into my heart. Not only because my love is most likely unreceprocated but also because i don't even feel worthy of it. I lack the main qualities that are required to be accepted in the gay community (attractiveness, intelligence, extraversion,...). And i feel like a huge hypocrite because i constantly give others the impression that i don't need to fit in to be happy when deep down there's this tiny drop of lust that craves for acceptance, understanding and many other things that i'm probably unaware of.

    Anyway, congratulations if you've read this through ! So, my biggest question is: How do i gain back my self-esteem and how do i deal with my negative emotions in a healthy way :slight_smile: ?

    ---------- Post added 16th May 2015 at 12:48 PM ----------

    Oops, just realized i posted this in the wrong sub-forum :/ Guess the coming out topic will be for another time :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  2. Invidia

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    Ask yourself: "Why do I feel bad about being gay?"

    Do you have someone to talk to about your self-esteem?

    Do you have any friends you might seek support from?

    Side-note: Being extrovert is certainly not a requirement to be gay.
     
  3. sleepymeadow

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    It's not being gay that makes me feel bad (i eccept myself entirely), it's the loneliness that follows. Where i live, even though gay marriage is legal, i've never ever met an openly gay person let alone an openly gay 13 year old.

    No. Me and my dad have completely different personalities so i don't really talk with him. My mom and i are similar in many ways but she lacks the seriousness required for this kind of conversation. I don't have many friends who i entirely trust.

    Sorry about that lol. Of course not but it's just the impression that tv shows/books/movies give when they represent gay characters.

    Thank you so much for answering :slight_smile:
     
  4. Peacemaker

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    wow im sorry that you feel this way when i opened this post i was not expecting a kid this depressed but you could try therapy or talking your problems out with a friend that you trust
     
  5. sleepymeadow

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    Thanks for answering :slight_smile: Sorry if i misinterpreted myself, i didn't mean to say that i'm currently depressed; just that if i don't find away to deal with my negative feelings and my insecurities i will be soon. It's a feeling i've been getting often because i can see the "signs" that were appearant prior to my first depression (when i was 10-11). Anyway, i don't think i'll ever be able to trust a therapist/counselor because of previous experiences that didn't go well. I have very few friends and i can only trust maybe 2 of them but at the same time i don't want to burden them with my personal problems.
     
  6. Peacemaker

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    dude trust me if they were a real friend they would stick by you in your time of need and dont worry you wouldnt be a burden on your friend if you confided in them, i have that problem of thinking i would be a burden on people if i told them my problems that caused me more pain than it was worth so try to not fall into the black hole again, lol sorry if this was kinda dramatic or excessive talking i just dont want you to end up with any regret or pain for not getting any help when you could have
     
  7. sleepymeadow

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    Thanks for answering again :slight_smile: I'll think about talking to my friend. I suppose that i just have to figure out a way to calm myself down when times get difficult :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: