I was going to post this sooner... but oh well. Yesterday, on Friday, I kinda came out to 2 of my friends. Basically we were at school in D.T period 5, and we were playing this game of "would you do this"? One of my friends said "Would you have sex with the same sex?" and I said yes immediately. They noticed how I was so sure of myself and basically asked me if I was gay. I kept saying I don't know. I don't want to put a label on myself. My friend said its not a label, it's who I am. I then said that I don't want to say I'm gay, then end up liking girls. She said she would be fine with that. I then basically said I was gay. She then told me she was pansexual, since I said that meant liking anyone regardless of what gender they are, you like them just for their personality. I asked her if she would date transgender/non-binary people and she said she doesn't think so, so she said she was bisexual instead. So we came out to each other. My other friend says she's straight btw, but she may end up not being straight. I know that it's just between them and me, but I really regret it now. I woke up this morning thinking about it and it has actually made me doubt me being gay more, which is ironic. In fact I feel less "gay" now. Honestly it is so confusing. Lately, I have actually been having little bits of attractions to some girls. I normally feel attracted to guys and check them out (don't judge me) and never girls but there have been a few girls which have caught my eye. Meh, any advice? I'm not really sure if this is the right forum for this, so you can move it if you want.
Well, it's great that you don't use labels. But unfortunately, some people think labels are important to understanding how other people are. But not everyone under the same label is alike, you know? You might want to consider identifying using the Kinsey scale. Otherwise, you might just be bisexual or pan (depending on you, of course) but lean more towards men. There's nothing wrong with any of that. Just tell your friends that you like both in certain quantities. Sometimes it's easier to use terms that capture the gist of it. I tell people I'm bi rather than pan or demisexual because people are more readily understanding of bi, and it captures the gist anyway. Maybe you fluctuate in attractions. That's normal too! Try not to think too hard on it. At least your friends are readily accepting!
Um, to the fact that you feel "less gay," is it possible that you mistook the feeling of being in hiding, regarding your sexuality, for the feeling of being gay? They are entirely different things. You are not as much in hiding right now, and what being out-of-the-closet really means is feeling a lot more like a normal, everyday jerk. That's it. You could be one of those "Log Cabin Republican" types, on which I will reserve my opinions, or you could be one of those ultra-cruel gay guys who are catty and nasty. On the other hand, you could just be a regular sweetheart, like Mitch off of Modern Family. In the end, being out means being able to let parts of who you are, other than your sexuality, control your life, including the crappy parts of you. You are a unique and special person, maybe not even necessarily a perfectly saintly person but worthwhile just because you are yourself. You deserve to live as someone besides something as narrow and meaningless as your sexual orientation. Being out helps give you that chance. So yes, maybe you feel "less gay" if you have mixed that up with the feeling of being "in the closet." If you feel more like a normal person, with the usual baggage and flaws that a human being has to deal with, then it's working. You usually feel LESS different, when you are out. You feel LESS like you are a Jew in Nazi Germany, less like a pariah, more like a normal, everyday guy, just a gay or bisexual one.
