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I think I'm ready to come out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Breezeblocks, May 16, 2015.

  1. Breezeblocks

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    Hi all. I'm reaching out because I feel that, for the first time in my life, I'm ready to come out to some of my really close friends.

    I'm an 18 year old college student in Texas, and until this month I had never come to terms with my sexuality. My family is an average Christian family- not overly conservative, though. I first learned about my sexuality when I was 7 or 8 years old and felt attracted to male actors in kids movies I watched (but I didn't know those feelings were deemed wrong at the time). I really struggled with my feelings during middle school where calling people "gay", "homo", or "fag" was a form of bullying and happened constantly and convinced me that I should be ashamed of the way I felt, which I most certainly did. I repressed my feelings and thought that they would change as I got older... but as I grew, so did these feelings I tried so very hard to repress and ignore. Things were better in general when I entered high school - it was a Christian school, and I still tried to ignore the feelings I had in me - and it was a time in my life that I really discovered some talents and strengths of mine. I still prayed that I could change the way I felt, hoping that I could live a straight life because I was afraid I'd never be accepted by my friends and family.

    When it came time to move off to college (a year ago), I still had never told anyone about my sexuality... I could hardly even utter the words myself. But as I branched out, made friends, and got involved in clubs and organizations, I saw openly gay people on a regular basis and realized that, at least in the college setting, people didn't treat them any differently.

    Two semesters passed and I moved back home for the summer. My secret was still a secret and I still didn't think I would ever come out. I made some really great friends my first year in college, but have an even closer group of friends here at home. I don't know why it happened, but I simply had a change of heart about myself one day. For the first time in my life I actually saw a future where I was honest with myself and accepted who I was. And since that moment, I no longer felt ashamed of myself for my sexuality. I feel liberated, like I can truly live my life and be happy with who I am. After 18 years of suppressing my homosexual feelings, I suddenly don't feel like I need to change who I am and lie to myself in order to live the life my family and (most of) society expects me to live.

    I'm ready to come out and tell someone face to face what I've tried to change for so long. It's not going to be anyone in my family - that might take more time, and I'm not sure if I should wait until I'm more established as an adult/student living on my own). The first person I want to come out to (and feel most comfortable doing so) is my best friend who is a girl. I think she's going to be accepting, I know she won't feel uncomfortable like I think some of my guy friends are going to feel when I eventually tell them, and I know for an absolute fact that I can trust her. And I can't wait for the moment I do come out, even if it's just to this one person at this point. I don't understand how I transitioned someone who dreaded anyone ever knowing my true sexuality to someone who is actually excited to confide in and tell someone that I'm gay. Even the things I've shared today on this thread have never even left my thoughts, and now I'm utterly overjoyed to begin the journey of being honest with and loving myself for who I really am.

    Please let me know any advice you have for coming out, especially to family who might not initially accept me for being gay. Fear of losing acceptance is the only thing holding me back from coming out to everyone, and I don't want anyone to try to change me. I'm also largely dependent on my family for the time being as they are paying for a chunk of my education expenses (what loans don't cover), and will be paying for half of my housing costs when I move back for my second year of college.

    Thank you all so much for reading this, and I am thrilled to hear what anyone has to offer.
     
  2. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    First, hi!
    Second, welcome to EC! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
    Third, CONGRATULATIONS on finding yourself and sharing your awesome and beauty with us! <3 :kiss:

    Really, the best advice I can give you in my experience, is just do it. It's darn hard, I know. And such a typical response doesn't do justice to your long beautifully written text.
    Some other tips I can give;
    - Don't be too surprised if they don't entirely believe you at first. Keep teeling them, 'no. I'm certain, this is who I am'.
    - Don't be surprised if some people might try to push you to 'prove it'
    - Try to have a somewhat clear picture of the person you're coming out to before coming out to them; Do you think they'll be accepting or not so much.

    .... etc. Try to be a bit prepared, but my greatest advice is just do it. Build up the courage before and just let it out, it's easier than trying to amass the courage when in a conversation.

    Hope things go okay for you, if you've questions on coming out to a particular person, ask us again!
    Good luck and see ya around <3
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    It's great that you have come so far in the last year. When we go to college or university it can open our eyes and change our way of thinking and values for the better.

    You have now crossed the biggest hurdle of all - self acceptance. It sounds like it's been quite a struggle for you, but you are there now and ready to move on with your journey.

    Telling friends and allies first is always a good idea, because you will need their support and encouragement if your family reacts in a negative way. It sounds like your girl-friend will be a good person to tell first and I really hope it goes well for you. Will you let us know afterwards? Just be prepared for a little bit of awkwardness when you first tell her, because your news will likely catch her off guard and she may struggle to find the right words/reaction. This is perfectly normal and it doesn't necessarily mean you have made a mistake. Some people are very good and don't flinch at the news, but most are a little surprised and struggle to hide it. Just be aware.

    If you are unsure of your parents reaction I would wait until you are free and financially secure before telling them - if you can. It's sometimes difficult as we can feel overwhelmed by the need to say something, but it's a risk if we depend on them for our security and stability. Hopefully, they will be respectful when it comes to telling them, but there is no point in going out on a limb if you don't need to. I would use your college years to build up a support network.

    Have a look at the coming out resources here:Empty Closets - Resources

    When it comes to telling your parents, have the contact details for PFLAG to hand. PFLAG may be able to offer support if they struggle with your news. Try not to worry about it right now, but something for the future:PFLAG National

    Good luck!
     
  4. Breezeblocks

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    Thank you both very much for your support and advice. It has been so reassuring. Patrick, I plan to tell my friend this Friday and will absolutely follow up with how it went. I'm prepared for anything between total shock/confusion to (hopefully) total acceptance. As coming out to someone for the first time is becoming more real, I'm starting to feel a huge mix of emotions but I know that it's what I want to do. Again, thank you both for your encouragement, and I will follow up as soon as I can.
     
  5. Eric255

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    Hi,

    I can't offer you advice on coming out because I am pretty much at the same stage as you, but I just had to say how much I can relate to your entire story. I wish you the best of luck on Friday and definitely follow up with how it went when you get the chance.

    Best,
    Eric
     
  6. Breezeblocks

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    Eric,

    I loved reading your comment... it's so reassuring to know that someone is going through the same thing, especially when you relate so much to my story.

    Thank you for the support
     
  7. Eric255

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    Hey Breezeblocks,

    Yes, I relate to everything from the homophobic slurs in middle school, to going to a Christian high school and rejecting my feelings, to trying to change it for so long, to the fact that you're not ready to tell your family. So similar to me. But I especially related to this:

    "I don't understand how I transitioned someone who dreaded anyone ever knowing my true sexuality to someone who is actually excited to confide in and tell someone that I'm gay. Even the things I've shared today on this thread have never even left my thoughts, and now I'm utterly overjoyed to begin the journey of being honest with and loving myself for who I really am."

    It's amazing and very reassuring to hear that. There was a time when I couldn't even think the thought "I am gay," and now I'm typing it on a forum to real people. It seems like nothing but it's such a big step, and I'm ready and excited to progress further (albeit it gradually), so I know exactly where you're coming from.

    Thanks for your post on my thread by the way, your support means a lot. I will definitely let you know how it goes with me, and I expect the same from you!

    All the best,
    Eric
     
  8. Erick

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    Hi! First of all, coming out can be extremely difficult the first time you do it face to face. The first time I ever did I was nervous and saying "I'm gay" was difficult. However once you get those words out, you feel relieved and assured of yourself. You feel extremely proud of being honest to yourself.

    Telling your friends first is a good option. But if you have an accepting sibling that may be the best option. I honestly don't know. The only advice I can give you is to do what you feel most comfortable doing and to think of what will happen if you come out to certain people.

    I hope for the best :slight_smile:
    ~~
     
  9. Yossarian

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    The keyword you mentioned in your profile is "Texas". Austin is supposed to be a fairly gay-friendly town, "for Texas", but that doesn't say how your parents would feel about you being gay if they are homophobic, or would be concerned about what homophobic people in their lives would think about them if you come out. You have to be the judge of what their reaction would be if you came out to them. If you are concerned that they might reject you and cut off your college support, then you need to be cautious about who and where and when you come out. Your friends at college are probably a better place to start, if you feel that you need their support right now. You can always keep your orientation to yourself officially, but go places where you can meet other gay men, and join gay social groups if there are any at your college. You don't have to come out in a "big" way, to be out to your friends and just the guys you want to date.