From nothing to something, there is no right time.

Coming out is difficult to do, it's something I struggle with, etc. etc. etc.

I guess I should get to my story and try to maybe get some sort of personalized response of help. I've been in the closet for five years, only been really accepting of it for a little bit of time. There's all that pressure on being out of the closet, and "the right time", and that's all that, I guess.

I live in a sort of place where I'm known for my 'asexuality', my lack of wanting to be in relationships and with people and be my own independent person who'll grow up alone and die alone and be okay with that. It's who I've been for years, and there are so many people who know that story. Its a lie I've held to date for a long, long time and even just the other day. I skipped my own school prom to prove the point that I don't want to be with anyone. That might not be entirely why I skipped, but it was the public reason. And to most extent, I believe it: I am uncomfortable with sex, I'm uncomfortable with any and most relationships, cuddling and hugs are things that disturb me, being close to people and having discussions with deeper meaning beyond jokes and whatever is funny at the moment. I like that life, of chastity and independence. It's a life I get down with, and believe for the most part.

But then there is another part of me, the secret part that roams free from those boundaries. I want a relationship with some other guy, but fear the pain of falling in and out of love when things never work. Cuddling, hugs, being open and close to people are things, that would be the best. Loneliness that isn't anymore, would be nice to be had gone. But it's something I fear, something that I don't want, to be vulnerable like that. Because like that, all those awkward feelings and moments would have some meaning behind them. Those feelings I'd have with other people would actually be meaning something and that's something I wouldn't want to happen. I don't want to ruin friendships with people because I may have some sort of feeling for them, (totally not talking about just one person).

I'm mostly afraid that once I come out, I'm going to start accepting feelings I've been compressing for so long, and that I'm going to start feeling, love, or other things, and feel disappointment. I'll lose some friends that I don't entirely want to lose, and even if they weren't truly my friend, its bridges I'd hate to have burned just because of my sexuality. It's not something I chose, so why should I have to lose friends because of it, just because I decided to be open about it. It just sounds like a chore to be open.

But that's where my real problem comes in. It hurts to be compressed, held back in my words and my thoughts. I want to be in relationships, to hold hands with people and not be afraid of my thoughts to over-think. I've had chances to come out, but I've just been holding back because I keep thinking. Thinking is terrible. I'm just not sure what to do. I can understand that people are going to tell me just to stop thinking, and to come out, but how do you really do that? How do you just go about and tell people something you kept secret for so long, something that you almost died trying to keep quiet about. I promised myself at the beginning that I wouldn't tell people, I'd go out and get married and have children and move onto my own way with putting it behind, but that life is so gone now. I want to come out, but using phones and posting online seems like an uncontrolled fire. I took all my friends out to dinner the other day, and I was about to tell them, there was even the perfect set up to say something, but I didn't. It was like the weight that was going to be taken off my shoulder, was being lifted and then was dropped from ten feet up, and back onto my lungs. The crash from not saying it yesterday actually left me without breath for a moment. And here I spent time wandering what life would be like if I had just said the words.

Any advice?

 

That's a lot of my problem. I don't want to ruin my friendships if I come out because it feels like everything I've said and lied about, will come out as the lies they really are. But it hurts to be quiet, silent and its hard to be who I was once.

I wish so also, but I don't know. Maybe there isn't anything else to be said.