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I'm definitely a lesbian, but how do I tell my boyfriend?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ObliviousBlonde, May 17, 2015.

  1. ObliviousBlonde

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    I've been mulling over my sexuality for the last year and a half or so. At first, I thought I was asexual. I think I thought it convenient because I didn't want to be in a relationship. Within the last month, however, I've noticed that my ideas of romance have shifted. I started dating my current boyfriend about two months ago, before being a lesbian became a definite thing. He understandably wants to kiss me, but it doesn't feel comfortable. Yet now when I think about who I'd like to kiss and do more with, I imagine a girl. Not anyone in particular, just this mental image of an ideal partner. I still care for my boyfriend, and he's gone through a lot while I've known him, but I still feel like I should pursue what makes me happy. Any help? I feel like I'm in a tight spot and I want him to be able to pursue a love that can be reciprocated. He also could be the first person I'd be coming out to, but I'm planning on coming out to my best friend of eight years before then.
     
    #1 ObliviousBlonde, May 17, 2015
    Last edited: May 17, 2015
  2. Boudicca

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    Hey. There's really know easy way to tell him. I think you should definitely break up with him sooner rather than later. It's not really fair if you keep stringing him along. If you do, it will just hurt him more in the end. You don't even have to come out to him to break up with him, if you aren't comfortable with coming out yet.

    If you do decide to come out to him, just be honest. Tell him what you told us: that you care for him, but you just realised this about yourself, so you can't be with him like that. Hopefully he will be understanding, even if he is hurt.
     
  3. ItsFermata

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    That's a tight spot to be in, and I agree with Boudicca. You're going to have to break it off, because it isn't fair for him. Honestly I can't phrase this any better than she already has, so read the message up there ^^

    Good luck!
     
  4. ObliviousBlonde

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    Thank you. I'm definitely holding myself to tell him before the end of this week. That gives me time to come up with what I want to say.
     
  5. ObliviousBlonde

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    I've written something out. I decided I do want to come out to him because I want him to stay my friend, and I would tell a friend that close.

    "Ok, before I start, I want you to read all of this through without stopping, and then tell me what you decide after thinking it over.

    Firstly, most of this has no relation to you or anything you've done. For the last couple years, I've been questioning my sexuality. At first I thought I was asexual, but I think I just found it convenient because I didn't want to date anyone. That never really felt right, though, so I kept researching and asking questions. I knew I was straight at one point. In middle school, I asked out my first boyfriend and I know I had felt love there, but the feeling went away after we broke up, and I didn't feel it with anyone else after that. When I started dating you, I still wasn't sure, but the feeling wasn't there. I do care for you very much, and you are an important person to me. From there I turned more inward to figure out what I want, and honestly, I'm just going to say it. I'm gay. As in a Lesbian. I like girls. You in no way made me into this. If anything, you drove me to look at myself like I haven't in a very long time, as someone who can be in a relationship with another person. You brought out a part of me that I haven't seen in years. Like I said, you are still a very important person to me and I would like to remain friends if possible. There's a lot we have planned to do, and I'd hate to lose it because of this. I'll understand, however, so please think about it and do what makes you happy."
     
  6. lillirose86

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    Hey, I'm in the same situation as you cute goofy!
    It sounds good, you haven't been together all that long, be honest and open that's all you can do.

    I'm figuring out this too it's kinda new to me and I'm 28! I love my boyfriend but i can't stop thinking about women and what may have been, I'm not happy and I'm not myself. We've been together for 3 years.... Its extremely hard....

    Guess I know what I need to do just don't want to :frowning2:

    Hugs
     
  7. paris

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    Yea, he needs to hear two things: 1) I'm a lesbian. 2) It's not your fault, you did nothing wrong.
     
  8. ObliviousBlonde

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    Ok, I've sent it to him.
     
  9. ObliviousBlonde

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    Well, he's not happy, but he's not super mad. I think he really just didn't like that I sent it over a text message, but I think if I had called him, I wouldn't have been able to say everything I wanted to say.
     
  10. Kaiser

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    The good news is... it's out there. You've done that.

    The bad news is... you're going to have to, sometime, have a face-to-face conversation with him. He's deserving of that at least.

    Cool your head, relax, formulate a few things you can say. You're halfway through this, so take a moment to congratulate yourself for that.
     
  11. ObliviousBlonde

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    Ok, so he's told me that he still wants to watch the movies we planned to. (He was in the military and missed a lot of good movies, so we're catching him up) We were planning on going to an anime convention and he's not sure if he still wants to go. It's not the end of the world for me as I have another ride in our group, but I did make a costume for him and he should still get to wear it. (It's not like a huge jacket and pants are going to be any use to me anyway)
     
  12. ObliviousBlonde

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    He just sent me the best thing! He said we can talk about hot girls together and that he thinks it would be awesome having a lesbian friend. I'm so glad he understands me!
     
  13. bi2me

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    Yay! I'm glad he's coming to terms with reorienting your relationship to the friend zone.
     
  14. fxngirl

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    Omg that's awesome!! I'm so so happy for you! I'm glad he took it so well and that you guys can still be friends! :eusa_clap(!)
     
  15. Ravienclaw

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    Sorry I'm a bit late, but that's great! You both seem to have handled the situation well and I'm glad you can still be friends :slight_smile: