I know that this is a common problem that so many others have faced. I would like to give the specifics of my situation, though, as I am struggling and in real need of some advice. I am 23 years old and gay. I have very strong feelings for my best friend, who is also a man and the same age as myself. We have been best friends for many years, since we were kids in school. I have not yet come out to anyone, including him. In fact, I have only just recently fully accepted within myself that I am gay, although it’s been more of a gradual process of acceptance over the years rather than an instant change. I absolutely do not want to lose my best friend’s friendship. That is my worst case scenario, as his company and support are invaluable to me. However, it’s also becoming increasingly painful for me to consider the chance that he could feel the same way about me, and not know whether he does or not. I should mention that he is straight, although presently to the world, so am I. I realize the dangers in speculating about whether one is gay or not, but there is always the possibility that he could be in the same position as me regarding coming out. I say this especially because like myself, he has not had any real relationships, to my knowledge. I’ve come to the following conclusion on how to proceed, and would appreciate any advice on this: I’ve decided that it would be best if I just come out to him, but NOT say anything about my feelings for him. I have to come out eventually, right? And I have a much smaller chance of losing his friendship if I just come out, rather than also telling him about my feelings for him (which could freak him out). A benefit is that if, on the off chance, he is also struggling with being gay, this would make it much easier for him to come out to me. If he doesn’t come out, then I can hopefully gain some closure that he’s for sure not gay and we never had a chance anyway, and then work on finally getting over these feelings. The bad part of this plan? I wouldn’t actually be coming out to him for the reason of finally opening up to the world about this part of my life, which I think might be the only reason one is supposed to come out (though I could be mistaken on this point). I wouldn’t be ready to tell anyone else. For me personally, I would only see a point in coming out if I was in a relationship with a guy that I absolutely loved and was almost certain was “the one.” Then, it’s worth the potential ridicule and ostracization of coming out so that I don’t have to keep my relationship hidden. In this case, I would only be coming out to my best friend because of the chance that he’s feeling the same way, so as to make it easier for him to open up to me about it if he is. Once I tell him, it’s very unlikely that I would tell anyone else that I am gay for a very long time (of course, unless I find reciprocated feelings). If I don’t come out to him though, I feel like I’ll be trapped in hiding forever. I don’t know if taking this rather bold step is healthy or just rash on my part. I’m very new to this world, as it still wasn’t all that long ago that I refused to accept my sexuality. Therefore, I would appreciate any advice I can get on how to proceed. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Best, Eric
Hi. First of all, I'll deal with the coming out bit. You dont feel ready to come out but might want a relationship. Now this next bit may be dead obvious but I think it's still worth saying: if you started dating, going out with gay men, then you wouldn't have to come out to them because it wouldn't need saying. Therefore, I think that, for you, coming out to your friend to explore the possibility of a relationship is perfectly okay. After all, not everyone comes out for the same reasons; you could get into a debate over what the core reason for coming out is. Next, what if you come out to him and nothing happens of it; he is happy for you but that's it. Will you be comfortable with being out to him but nobody else? Hoping you get more advice than just mine, Connor P.S. I'll keep an eye on here so I can respond.
Hi Connor, Thank you so much for your reply. It feels good to hear another perspective on my situation. Your first part is correct. I am not ready for people to know this part of me, but I do want a relationship. Your second part gives me great relief, because I do want to come out to him for the reason of it possibly leading to a relationship, despite the fact that several factors have to work in my favour for that to happen (i.e. he must also be gay, he must feel the same way about me, AND he must be willing to tell me this). Finally, to address your question, assuming it doesn't have any negative impact on the friendship and things are normal afterward, I am confident that I would be comfortable with him knowing and no one else knowing. My single fear, although I do not think this is likely given his personality, is that it changes (or even ruins) the friendship. But then I consider the fact that I eventually have to come out - I can't live a lie forever. So it just becomes about how long to delay it. Anyway, thanks again for the reply. I really appreciate it. Best, Eric
Eric, Your story moved me because, as you already know, I'm at a similar stage in the understanding of my own sexuality. Of course, I'm new to the idea of coming out and don't have a surplus of experiences to draw off of, but it seems like you really have a solid understanding of your situation and the different directions it can go from here. That being said, I don't know what advice to give, but I want you to know that I'm eager to see where you decide to go from here and if you decide to come out to your friend. Please keep us posted. I'm rooting for you! -M
Coming out is a process and it all starts with telling one trusted person - often a close friend. So putting aside the deeper feelings you have for your friend, it makes a certain amount of sense that you should tell him first anyway. Beyond that, there are no certainties, but if he reacts well (even if he is not himself gay) you have an ally who will back you up if/when you decide to come out to more people or start dating and that can only be a positive thing.
Hey Eric, I haven't seen any updates about your situation but I want to know how everything is going or if you've tried to talk to your friend about your feelings... let me know how everything is going whenever you get a chance, and thanks for your reply on my thread earlier!
I think that you have a great plan. It sounds like he will be accepting to you. Telling him first that you are gay well be enough for him to digest. Tell him you're always going to be the friend you have been for the past however many years and that you just want to be honest with him. Based on his reaction I would then decide weather or not to address the issue of your crush on him. Good luck!
