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Dilemma

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by SecretSavior91, May 20, 2015.

  1. SecretSavior91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Philadelphia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I am a 23 year old graduate student. I have been struggling with my sexuality for years, but especially the past year. I am trying to find the courage to come out, but I am still confused about what I want or what I should do for reasons I will explain below.

    I have been involved with a girlfriend since high school, on and off. We broke up for a period of time in college, but remained close and she initiated a relationship again with me last year during our senior year of college. I was hesitant at first, but then finally decided to give it a try last summer again. We have been together for the past year.

    I enrolled in graduate school out of state, in part to start fresh and independently I guess. That did not happen as planned because my girlfriend ended up with a job in the exact same city. Now, a year into graduate school, we have moved in together in a townhouse.

    Last year, I dated a man during my last 6 weeks of college. We broke up, but I was happy that I had explored a relationship with another man, despite the fact it was unhealthy because I suspected him of cheating and dishonesty, plus the relationship was headed nowhere fast as he was 29, out, and I was moving away and secretly closeted. I do not regret this relationship because I was single at the time, and it was a private decision that I made for myself to explore my sexuality.

    Currently, I am involved with a "friend with benefits" at home, so I only see him on breaks from graduate school. This has been ongoing since around Thanksgiving last year. I am extremely attracted to him physically, and I love being with him. Yet I feel like the relationship can never be more than what it is because of my girlfriend, the fact I do not live in the area full-time anymore, and the fact I am closeted. Furthermore, I am scared to risk putting myself out there and suffering rejection. As of now, it is easier emotionally and mentally to keep things as a casual relationship. Even that is dysfunctional though, since he does not know about my girlfriend, and I only go over to his house at night so his parents do not know we are "hooking up" (although they likely do know)- but he is 26 and out, so his parents are away he's gay.

    Here's my dilemma: I do love my girlfriend. She is my best friend and the only person I can count on. She has a promising future and is financially well-off. On paper, she is perfect, and if she were a male, I would not be in this predicament. I am unsure if I can be with her in the future, but I don't want to lose her. In short, I am extremely confused and lost.

    I want to come out, but I don't know if I can be fully honest without suffering incredible repercussions. Also, the fact we moved in together is problematic right now. I go through moments where I want to be with her, and other days where I resent having to be together and live an inauthentic life.

    If come out, I want to be fully honest because that is the only way to do it. If I lie in any way, that only leaves room for more difficult conversations in the future. I don't plan on telling her about my friend with benefits, however. That's unnecessary and I don't want to devastate her any further.

    I don't know what to do. Any and all advice is welcome. I am tired of compartmentalizing my life anymore. I also feel my ability to make friends has suffered my entire life because I can't relate to others when I am hiding my identity, and I sometimes feel as if I have no identity of my own as well.

    If anyone reads this, especially if you or a friend has been or is in a similar situation, please let me know.
     
  2. biisme

    Full Member

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    You have a lot going on, but this is the sentence that stands out to me. If you want to come out, and you want to be in a relationship with a guy, then you should tell your girlfriend now... not months or years in the future. That will just make it worse. Hopefully being honest with her now means that you can work through this and remain friends in the long run.

    I'm not sure how "fully honest" is supposed to coexist with not telling her about your FWB. I think your girlfriend deserves to know, and your FWB deserves to know you have a girlfriend. I've been FWB with someone before, but I wouldn't want to do it if they were in a relationship with someone. It's a disservice to both of them not to know.

    It sounds like you know what you want, and you even know what needs to be said, but you're afraid of what the fallout will be. It's a delicate situation, and I can see why you're worried, but the best way for you to be happy, and your girlfriend to be happy long-term, is to talk about all of this.